Bancurile de luni dimineata part XX/Monday morning jokes part XX

Atentie, postare in romana si engleza

Warning, post in romanian and english

Doua prietene se intalnesc :

- Vai , draga, ce haina frumoasa ai ! De la ce animal ?

- De la sotul meu !

Trei blonde intra intr-un bar. Sunt fericite, danseaza si canta. Tot comanda fiecare cate ceva de baut. Barmanul pana la urma, le intreaba ce sarbatoresc. Una dintre ele ii explica:

- Tocmai am terminat un puzzle si ne-a luat numai 3 luni sa terminam.

- Si ? Intreba barmanul.

- Pe cutie scria 2-4 ani !

Sotia isi suna sotul:

- Dragul meu, ai o problema…

- Ce s-a intamplat?

- Am intrat cu masina intr-un Maybach, i-am propus proprietarului sa-i achit "in natura" si el a fost de acord.

- Si care e problema mea?

- Proprietarul este gay!

Doi politisti merg pe strada si la un moment dat unul dintre ei observa o cascheta pe jos.

- Ia uite, mai, cascheta lui Popescu! La care celalalt:

- Esti prost, n-ai auzit ca si-a pierdut-o?

La ora de gramatica.

- Bula, cind cinti tu, spui "eu cint". Cind cinta fratele tau, cum spui?

- Taci dracului odata!

Doua domnisoare, la discoteca. Se apropie un tip aratos si o cere pe una dintre ele la dans. In timp ce danseaza, fata intreaba:

- Esti cam palid. De ce nu mergi mai des la soare?

- Acum am iesit de la inchisoare.

- Si de ce ai fost acolo?

- Mi-am omorat nevasta, i-am taiat capul si l-am aruncat intr-un rau. Dupa dans, fata se intoarce la prietena sa:

- Inchipuie-ti, draga, nu e insurat...

Un barbat se plimba pe o plaja din California cind se impiedica de o lampa. O ridica si o scutura de praf cind apare un duh. Duhul spuse:

- Bine, bine, m-ai eliberat din lampa. E a patra oara luna asta si m-am saturat, asa ca poti sa uiti de trei dorinte. O sa-ti indeplinesc numai una. Barbatul zise:

- Totdeauna am vrut sa merg in Hawaii, dar am rau de mare si imi e frica de avion. Imi construiesti un pod pina acolo, ca sa pot merge cu masina? Duhul incepe sa rida:

- Asta e imposibil. Gindeste-te la logistica necesara! Cum pui piloni pe fundul Pacificului? Gindeste-te cit ciment, cit otel! In nici un caz. Pune-ti alta dorinta!

Omul se gindeste un timp sa gaseasca o dorinta buna:

- Stii, am fost insurat de patru ori. Sotiile mele toate au spus ca sint un nesimtit si un insensibil. As vrea sa inteleg femeile... sa stiu ce simt ele cind nu vor sa-mi vorbeasca, sa stiu ce vor cu adevarat cind nu vor sa spuna, sa stiu ce le-ar putea face fericite...

- Vrei podul ala cu doua benzi sau cu patru?

Doua blonde:

-Auzi draga, aseara am fost cu sotul meu la o licitatie!

-Da!? Si cat ai luat pe el?...

Doua femei stau de vorba pe o banca in parc:

- Sotul meu, spune una, e un inger!

- Al meu inca mai traieste! ofteaza cealalta..

O blonda superba se duce la manastire si cere insistent sa vorbeasca cu maica stareta.

- Ce e, fata mea?

- Maica stareta, trebuie sa ma ajuti. Am pacatuit foarte tare si vreau ca Dumnezeu sa-mi ierte pacatele. Ce sa fac?

- Dar ce s-a intamplat, fata mea?

- Maica sterata, m-au violat 40 de barbati trei zile in sir. Ce sa fac ca sa-mi ierte Dumnezeu pacatele?

- Fata mea, du-te acasa si bea zeama de la 40 de lamai 3 zile si apoi intoarce-te la mine.

- Bine, maica stareta. Iti multumesc foarte mult!

Pleaca blonda, bea zeama de la 40 de lamai 3 zile consecutiv si se intoarce la manastire.

- Maica stareta, am facut ce mi-ai spus. Mi-a iertat Dumnezeu pacatele?

- Pacatele nu stiu daca ti le-a iertat, dar macar ti-a disparut ranjetul de satisfactie!

Politistul se intalneste cu zana buna care îi spune:

- Iti voi implini doua dorinte!

- As dori o halba de bere din care berea sa nu se termine niciodata!-zise politistul

Politistul primeste halba si dupa ce o bea vede ca nu se mai termina.

Bucuros isi spune a doua dorinta:

- As mai dori sa-mi dai inca o halba ca asta!

Cineva suna la usa, iar barbatul deschide. Moartea in fata lui ii spune:

- Am venit dupa viata ta! Barbatul se intoarce si-o striga pe nevasta-sa:

- Viata mea! Pe tine te cauta!

Bula in armata.

- Bula, ce este patria?

- Nu stiu.

- Esti prost. Vasile ce este patria?

- Patria este mama mea.

- Corect. Bula ce este patria?

- Patria este mam lui Vasile.

- Idiotule, patria este si mama ta, ai inteles?

- Inteles.

- Ce ai inteles?

- Ca sunt frate cu Vasile

Vine sotul acasa, iar nevasta il cerceteaza atent.

- Culmea, nu ai niciun fir de par strain pe haine! Deci mai nou ma-nseli cu o cheala!

Se apropie si il adulmeca.

- Aha, dupa ce ca e cheala, nu se da nici cu parfum!

O tipa care se plimba prin parc avea la gat un medalion din aur in forma de avion. Stand pe o banca, vede ca un tip se uita insistent la medalion, asa ca intreaba zambind:

-Va place atat de mult avionul de la gatul meu?

-Aaaaa, nu, eu ma uitam la turnurile de control de pe aeroport!

Bula intr-o zi ii spune mamei sale:

-Mama, ieri, dupa ce ai plecat, a venit o blonda buna acasa si tata a dus-o in camera si...

-Sa spui asta cand e taica-tu de fata. Trece ceva vreme si vine tatal sau acasa:

-Bula, nu ai ceva sa ii zici lu mama?

-Mama, ieri, dupa ce ai plecat, a venit o blonda buna acasa si tata a dus-o in camera si a trantit-o jos cum te-a trantit pe tine postasul!

- Vai, mă scuzaţi, am înlăturat un dinte sănătos. Acum va trebui să-l scot şi pe cel bolnav.
- Nu e nimic. Bine că nu sunteţi oftalmolog!

Întorcîndu-se de la coasă, badea Gheorghe îl vede pe Ion, cu un cercel în ureche, plimbîndu-se pe uliţă.
- Da' bine, mă, Ioane, mă, tu porţi cercel, mă?
- No, d'apăi...
- Da' bine, mă, Ioane, mă, te credeam om serios...
- No...
- Da' bine, mă, Ioane, de cînd ţi-oi pus tu cercel, mă?
- D-apăi, de cînd l-o găsit Maria în patul nostru...

La Vaslui a fost demarat programul guvernamental de acomodare la violenta domestica, destinat tinerilor casatoriti. Programul se numeste Prima Palmă..)))

Un ventriloc face o vizita la o stana, unde ciobanul e tocmai cu oile la pascut.
- Ce faci, bace?
- Uite, aice cu turma...
- Pot sa vorbesc cu cainele tau?
- Cainele nu vorbeste !
Ventrilocul se apleaca la caine:
- Ce mai faci, Azor?
- Multzam, fain. (ciobanul ramane cu gura cascata)
- Ciobanul te ingrijeste bine?
- Nu ma plang. Imi da mancare buna, nu ma bate si din cand in cand ne mai si jucam. Ciobanul sta stupefiat.
- Bace! Pot sa vorbesc cu magarul tau?
- Magarul nu vorbeste...
Ventrilocul se apropie de magar:
- Ce mai faci, magare?
- Nu ma plang. (ciobanul intra in stare de soc)
- Ciobanul se comporta bine cu tine?
- Da. Imi da fan, iar daca e vreme rea, ma baga in sura...
Ciobanul cade pe spate.
- Bace! Pot sa vorbesc cu oaia aia de langa tine?
- Apai bagaboanta aia minte de ingheatza apele!!!

Oaspetii sunt intampinati de sf. Petru, la poarta raiului:
- Bine ati venit in rai, locul fara de griji: aici nu exista servici, scoala, spitale, bani...
- HSBP ... am ajuns in Romania !

O doamnă se urcă în taxi şi îi spune taximetristului:
- Vă rog să fiţi atent că sunt mama a opt copii.
Taximetristul se întoarce şi răspunde doamnei:
- Eu să fiu atent?

ENGLISH

Two girl friends meet :
- Oh, dear , what beautiful clothes you have ! From what animal?
- From my husband !

Three blonde walks into a bar. They are happy , dancing and singing . They each order a drink . The bartender eventually , ask them what is the reason from their happines. One of them explains:
- We just finished a puzzle and it took only three months to finish .
- How come ? Asked the bartender .
- On the box was printed that is for 2-4 years !

The wife calls her husband :
- My dear , you have a problem ...
- What happened ?
- I ran with my car in a Maybach, and  I proposed to the ownerto pay for reppairs" in nature " and he agreed.
- And that 's my problem because?
- The owner is gay!

Two policemen walk down the street and at one point one of them notice a helmet on the ground.
- Look,  Smith's helmet ! Then the other:
- Are you stupid, did you hear that he lost it?

At grammar class .
- John , when you sing , you say " I sing " . When your brother sing s, you say ?
- Shut the fuck up !

Two girls at the disco . A good-looking guy is approaching and ask one of them to dance. While dancing , the girl asks:
- You look pale . Why arent you going to the sea to have a sun bath?
- I just got out of jail .
- Why were you there?
- I killed my wife and I cut off his head and threw it into a river . After the dance , the girl returns to her friend :
- Imagine , dear , he is not married ...

A man walks on a beach in California when he sees a lamp. He picks it up and dust off when a spirit appear. The spirit said :
- Okay, okay , you released from the lamp. This is the fourth time this month and I'm tired , so you can forget about three wishes . I'll give you only one . The man said :
- I always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I get seasick and I 'm afraid the plane. Can you  build a bridge to there, so I can go by car ? Spirit begins to laugh :
- That's impossible. Think of the logistics required ! How do you put pillars on the bottom of the Pacific ? Think how much cement, steel and all the other things ! In any case . Put another wish !
The man thinks for a while to find a good desire :
- You know , I was married four times. All my wives said that I am a jerk and insensitive . I want to understand women ... know how they feel when they will not talk to me , you know what they really will not say when , you know what might make you happy ...
- You want that bridge with two lanes or four ?

Two blondes :
- Hey baby, last night I was with my husband at an auction !
Yes ! ? And how much did you get for him? ...

Two women standing talking on a park bench :
- My husband says one is an angel !
- Mine 's still alive ! sighs other ..

A gorgeous blonde goes to the monastery and urges to talk to Mother Superior .
- What is it, my girl?
- Mother Superior , I need your help . I have sinned greatly and I want God to forgive my sins . What to do?
- What happened to my girl ?
- Mother I was raped by 40 men three days in a row . What should I to so God will forgive my sins ?
- My daughter , go home and drink juice from 40 lemons 3 days and then come back to me.
- Well , Mother Superior . Thank you very much !
The blonde goes home and for the next 3 days he was drinking juice from 40 lemons. After that she return to the monastery .
- Mother Superior , I did what you told me . did you know if God forgave my sins ?
- I do not know if your sins were forgiven , but at least you satisfaction grin disappeared !

One cop meets good fairy who tells him :
- I will fulfill you two wishes !
- I want a mug of beer with beer tat never end ! says the Policeman
Cop gets his mug after seeing that the beer never ends .
Happy tells his second wish :
- I would like to have another mug like that!

Someone call the door and open man . Death in his face says :
- I've come for your life! The man turns and a scream at his wife:
- My Life ! She is looking for you !

John army.
- John , what is the motherland ?
- I do not know .
- You are stupid. Smith what is homeland ?
- My homeland is my mother .
- Right. John what is your country?
- My country is the mother of Smith.
- Idiot , your homeland is your mother, did you understand ?
- Got it.
- What did you understand ?
- Smith is my brother .

Husband comes home and his wife is carefully researching it .
- Ironically , there's no foreign hair on your clothes ! So you newest mistress is bald  one!
Approaching and sniffing it .
- Aha , after she's bald , she does not wear any perfume !

A girl who walks through the park have a gold locket shaped plane around the neck. Sitting on a bench, a guy stare at the medallion, so she ask him smiling :
- Do you like my airplane on my locket ?
- Well, no , I'm watching the airport control tower !

One day John tells his mother
- Mom,  yesterday after you left, came a gorgeous blonde at home and my father took her into the room and ...
- Tell this when dad comes home. After some time and his father comes home :
- John, don t you have something to say to your mother?
- Mom, yesterday after you left , came a gorgeous blonde at home and my father took her into the room and slammed it down as you do with the postman !

- Oh, excuse me , I removed a healthy tooth . Now I have to get out and the sick one .
- It's nothing. Well than God you are not a eyedoctor !

Coming home from his daily activities John sees Smith wearing an earring in his ear , walking along the street he says.
- But Smith since when do you wear a earrings?
- Well…. ...
- Smith I thought you were a serious man ...
- No …... ..
- Since when did you start wearing an earring?
- Ever since Mary found it in our bed ...

At Vaslui government was started a program to accommodate domestic violence for young married couples. The program is called First Slap .. )))

A ventriloquist make a visit to a sheepfold , where exactly when the shepherd was with his sheep .
- How do you do ?
- Here , with my flock ...
- Can I talk to your dog?
- The dog does not talk !
Ventriloquist bows to dog :
- How are you, Rex ?
- Verry good , thank you. ( shepherd has stunned )
- Is the shepherd taking good care of you ?
- I am not complain . It gives me good food, doesen t beat me and from time to time and we play. The shepherd was sitting dumbfounded .
- Can I talk to your donkey ?
- Donkey doesen't talks ...
Ventriloquist approaching donkey :
- How are you , Donkey ?
- I am not complain . ( shepherd get shocked )
- Shepherd behave s well with you?
- Yes . She gives me grass and if the weather is bad he put s me in the barn ...
Shepherd falls back .
- Can I talk to the sheep that next to you ?
- That slut, she is lying all the time !

Guests are welcomed by Sf . Peter at the gate of heaven :
- Welcome to heaven , carefree place : here there is no work, school , hospitals , money ...
- We have arrived in Romania !

A lady got into the taxi and tells the taxi driver :
- Please be aware that I am the mother of eight children.
The cabbie turns around and look s at her :
- I should be the one who is careful?