Vorbe de intelepciune

In decursul istoriei acestei planete au fost unii oameni care au avut cate o strafulgerare de geniu si unii care au fost pe faza sa retina aceste lucruri pentru posteritate. Mai jos aveti citeva mostre.

Lectura placuta:

 

Bancurile de luni dimineata part XVIII/Monday morning jokes part XVIII

Atentie postare in limba romana si engleza

Warning, post in romanian and english

Doua blonde stau de vorba:

- Stii, ieri mi-am facut testul de sarcina!

Cealalta, foarte curioasa, i se adreseaza:

- Si au fost grele intrebarile?

- Cat costa rochia aceea albastra?

- 100 de lei, doamna!

- Vai! Dar cea rosie?

- Vai, vai, vai!

- Mama! Am omorat cinci muste dintr-o singura lovitura! povesteste Bula. Doua erau masculi si trei femele.

- Cum ti-ai dat seama de acest lucru?

- Pai doua erau pe masa si trei pe oglinda.

Pe o alee intre blocuri, intr-un cartier, o doamna striga :

- Madam Popescu ! La un geam isi face aparitia o doamna.

- Da, draga, ce vrei ?

- Madam Popescu, sotul meu este cumva la dumneata ?

- Nu, draga !

- Madam Ionescu ! striga atunci tipa. Isi face aparitia o alta doamna.

- Ce-i draga ?

- Sotul meu este cumva la dumneata ?

- Nu, draga ! Dar ce s-a intamplat ?

- Pai, ne-am certat un pic si a plecat furios. Am fugit dupa el si cand l-am intrebat unde se duce, a raspuns: "La curve!"

Academia de politie. Examen final. Proba de fizica. Intrebare unica: "Ce este mai mare, viteza luminii sau viteza sunetului? Argumentati".

Primul politist:

- A sunetului.

- Fals, dar argumentati!

- Pai daca dau drumul la televizor, mai intii se aude ceva si-apoi se vede!

Al doilea politist:

- A luminii.

- Corect. Argumentati.

- Daca dau drumul la radio, mai intii se aprinde beculetul si apoi s-aude.

Al treilea politist, geniul grupei, tinara speranta a politiei romane:

- A luminii.

- Corect, argumentati.

- Furtuna!

- Excelent... ziceti!

- Tunet, fulger... intii vad fulgerul, apoi aud tunetul!

- Excelent, argumentati!

- Pai, permiteti sa raportez: ochii e mai in fata decit urechile!

- Unde lucrezi dumneata? intreaba politistul.

- Nicaieri. Sint somer.

- Si dumneata?

- Eu sint adjunctul dumnealui.

La scoala, invatatoarea le explica copiilor fenomenul deosebit ce va avea loc la prinz:

- Copii, astazi la ora 14 va avea loc o eclipsa de soare. Sa urmariti fenomenul cu atentie... Curios, Bula din ultima banca: - Pe ce canal?

Doi soti se opresc in statia de taxiuri. Sotul il intreaba pe soferul de taxi :

- Pana in centru , la Universitate , cat m-ar costa ?

- 15 RON ! - Si daca o luam si pe nevasta mea cu noi , atunci cat m-ar costa ?

- Tot atat ! La care barbatul, uitandu-se la nevasta sa , cu o umbra de dispret :

- Vezi ? Ti-am spus mereu ca nu valorezi nimic !

Intr-o noapte, la spital, o asistenta blonda il scoala pe pacientul care dormea un somn adanc si ii spune:

-Treziti-va, am uitat sa va dau somniferul!

- Bula, de ce nu scrii?

- Eu nu are creion, doamna.

- Nu e corect sa spui "eu nu are creion". Fii atent, se pronunta astfel: "eu nu am creion, tu nu ai creion, el nu are creion, noi nu avem creioane..."

- Dar cine dracu' a sutit toate creioanele?

Sotul pe patul de moarte:

- Iubito, trebuie sa stii ceva.

- Ce, draga?

- Te-am inselat cu fata de la magazinul de bijuterii.

- Stiu, iubitule, de-aia te-am otravit.

La un bar, discuta doua blonde trecute de prima tinerete:

- Vezi pe cei doi barbati de acolo? Ei bine, cel din dreapta este sotul meu, cel din stanga este amantul meu.

- Ce ciudat... La mine este exact invers!

Doi politisti merg pe strada si la un moment dat unul dintre ei observa o cascheta pe jos.

- Ia uite, mai, cascheta lui Popescu! La care celalalt:

- Esti prost, n-ai auzit ca si-a pierdut-o?

Un preot explica la ora de religie:

- Dumnezeu l-a creat pe Adam, iar cu o coasta din Adam a creat-o pe Eva.

- Parinte, zice Bulisor, dar tata spune ca ne tragem din maimute.

- Auzi, zice preotul plictisit, cazul familiei tale nu ma intereseaza. Eu vorbeam in general.

Sotia: Iubitule... Ce faci?

Sotul: Nimic.

Sotia: Nimic? Pai de-o ora tot studiezi certificatul nostru de casatorie.

Sotul: Cautam data expirarii

Doua blonde cautau prin padure un brad de Craciun.

Dupa o zi intreaga de stat in frig, una dintre ele ii spune celeilalte:

- Auzi, n-ar fi mai bine sa luam unul asa, fara globuri?

Bula lipseste trei zile de la scoala si cand vine, invatatoarea il intreaba:

- Bula,de ce ai lipsit?

- Pai, a murit bunica, a calcat-o tractorul pe deget.

- Dar, Bula, din asta nu se moare.

- Stiu, dar il avea in nas.

Bula mai lipseste trei zile.

-Bula, de ce ai lipsit iar? il intreaba invatatoarea.

- A murit mama, a calcat-o tractorul.

Bula mai lipseste trei zile.

- Bula, de ce ai lipsit?

- Acum a murit tata, l-a calcat tractorul

- Dar, tu Bula, ce faceai in timpul asta?

- Ma plimbam cu tractorul.

Intr-un club de club de noapte un tip invita o domnisoara la dans iar cand dansul s-a terminat, a sarutat-o patimas. Tipa a fugit imediat la masa, si-a scos telefonul din geanta si a inceput sa tasteze ceva foarte rapid. Tipul, surprins, o intreaba:

- Ce s-a intamplat? Ceva urgent?

- Nu, nu, stai linistit. Imi schimb statusul pe facebook.

Un barbat spala vasele. Fiul sau se apropie si-l intreaba:

- Taticule, ce este acela un „bigam”?

- Pai, dragul meu, este un idiot care spala de doua ori mai multe vase decat mine.

Ora 23.57. Intr-o intersectie se intalnesc doi politisti. Unul din ei aprinde o tigara, trage din ea si tace. Al doilea dupa un timp de tacere spune catre primul:

– Ba! Tu stii care este capitala Angliei?

– Da! Paris. De ce?

– Credeam ca nu stii!

- Bula, de ce plingi? intreaba mama lui.

- Pentru ca vecinul nu se joaca decat cu tine!

O doamna intra la farmacie si ii cere farmacistului arsenic. Farmacistul intreaba:

- Doamna, la ce va trebuie arsenicul?

- Pentru ca sa-l omor pe sotul meu!

- Doamna, nu pot sa va vand arsenic pentru acest motiv, imi pare rau, spune farmacistul. Atunci doamna scotoceste in poseta si scoate o fotografie cu sotul ei care facea dragoste cu sotia farmacistului. Acesta se uita la fotografie si spune:

- Ah, scuzati-ma, n-am stiut ca aveti reteta.

Un barbat suna la pompieri si zice speriat:

- Domnule, soacra mea vrea sa se arunce de la etaj!!

- Si care e problema?

- Nu se deschide fereastra!

Doi politisti discuta:

- De ce iti pui copilul sa doarma pe dulap?

- Data trecuta a cazut din pat si n-am auzit.

La teatru, unde se joaca o piesa politista, o spectatoare sare in sus, strigind:

- Unde este ucigasul? La care o voce din spatele ei ii da replica:

- In spatele dumitale, daca nu te asezi imediat!

ENGLISH

Two blondes are talking :

- Yesterday I took a pregnancy test !

The other , very curious and addresses :

- And And the questions were hard?

- How much is that blue dress  ?

- 100 euro , lady !

- Auch! The red one?

- Auch!!Auch!!Auch!!!!

- Mom! I killed five flies in one shot ! says John . Two were males and three females .

- How do you figure this?

- Well two were on the table and three on the mirror .

In an alley between buildings , in a neighborhood , a lady is crying

- Madam Smith ! A window is opening and lady appear.

- Yes , dear , what do you want?

- Madam Smith, my husband is with you?

- No, darling !

- Madam Black ! scream then the same lady again . Another lady made an appearance .

- What is it dear ?

- My husband is with you?

- No, darling ! But what happened ?

- Well, we argued a bit and went mad. I ran after him and when I asked him where he was going , replied, " To the whores ! "

Police Academy . Final exam . Physical class - single question : " Witch speed is bigger, the speed of light or the speed of sound ? Explain " .

First cop :

- The speed of sound.

- False, but let s hear the explication !

- Well if I turn on the TV , I first hear the sound and after that the immage!

The second officer :

- The speed of  light.

- Right. Explain.

- When you turn on the radio, at first the indicator light comes turns green and then I heard the sound .

The third officer , group genius:

- The speed of light.

- Right, explaint.

- Storm !

- Excellent ... continue !

- Thunder , Lightning ... first you see the lightning and then you hear the thunder !

- Excellent , explain !

- Well , eyes are before the ears  !

- Where are you working ? asks the cop .

- Nowhere. I am unemployed .

- And you?

- I am a gentleman assistant .

At school , the teacher explained to them the solar eclipse that will take place at lunch :

- Children , today at 14 will be a solar eclipse . This rare phenomenon has to be watch carefully ... Curiously, John, in the last bank asks :

- On what channel ?

The husbant stops a taxi on the road .He asks the taxi driver :

- From here to downtown at the university , how much would it cost ?

- 15 Euro ! - And if we take my wife with us then how much would it cost

- The same! At this point the man looks at his wife with a shade of contempt :

- See ? I've always said that are not worth anything!

One night at the hospital , a blonde nurse woke up a patient deep sleeping and says :

- Wake up , I forgot to give you your sleeping pill !

- John , why are you not writing ?

- Me don t  have any pencil , ma'am.

- It's not right to say " I do not have pencil " . Be careful, the corect form is " I do not have a pencil,  you do not have a pencil, they don t have a pencil."

- But who the hell stoled  all the pencils ?

Husband on his deathbed :

- Baby , you should know something.

- What, dear ?

- I cheated with the girl at the jewelry store .

- I know, dear , that's why I poisoned you .

At one bar, two blondes well past over their first youth talk:

- See those two men there? Well, at the right is my husband , and on the left is my lover .

- How strange ... To me it is exactly the opposite !

Two policemen walk down the street and at one point one of them notice a helmet on the ground.

- Look , John, Smith's helmet ! On the other:

- How could you be so stupid, didn t you hear that he lost it?

A priest explains at religion :

- God created Adam and from  a coast of Adam created Eve .

- Father , says John , but my dad says that we evolved from apes .

- Listen, says priest bored, I don t care about your family, I was talking in general.

Wife: Honey ... What are you doing ?

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: Nothing? Well for the last hour you study our marriage certificate.

Husband: I am looking for the expiration date!!

Two blondes were looking in a forest  for a Christmas tree .

After a full day, tired and cold , one of them says to the other :

- Hey , I think we should take one with out the decoration ?

John is missing three days of school and when comes the teacher asks :

- John why did  you missed school?

- Well, my grandma died , a tractor run over her finger.

- But, John , you can t die from something like this .

- I know, but her finger was in the nose.

Few days later John is missing again three days.

- John , why did  you missed school this time? asks the teacher .

- My mothe died she was crashed by the tractor.

Few days later John is missing again three days

- John why did  you missed school this time? asks the teacher

- Now my dad died, a tractor hit him.

- But, John , what were you doing in that time ?

- I was driving the tractor .

In a club nightclub one guy invites a girl to dance and when the dance was over, he kissed her passionately . The girl immediately ran to the table, he pulled the phone out of the bag and began to type something quickly. The guy , surprised, asks :

- What happened ? Something urgent?

- No, no, do not worry . I change my status on Facebook .

A man washes the dishes. Son approaches him and asks:

- Daddy, what is a " bigamist " ?

- Well, my dear , is an idiot who is washing twice more dishes than me.

Time 23.57 . In an intersection two policemen meet . One of them lights a cigarette , pull out of it and shut up . After a time of silence the first says :

- Do you know which is the capital of England?

- Yes ! Paris. Why?

- I though you didn t know !

- Bula , why are you weeping ? asks his mother.

- Because the neighbor is not playing than you!

A lady entering the pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for arsenic. The pharmacist asks:

- Madam, what do you need arsenic for ?

- Because I want to kill my husband !

- Lady , I can not sell you arsenic for this reason , I'm sorry , says pharmacist . The lady pull out a photo from her bag in witch her husband was making love to pharmacist wife and show s it to him He looked at the photo and says:

- Ah , excuse me , I didn t know that you have a prescription.

A man calls the fire department and says scared :

- Sir, my mother wants to jump from her flatt located at the 12 floor !

- And what's the problem ?

- The window is not oppening !

Two policemen talks :

- Why did you  put your baby to sleep on the closet?

- Last time he fell out of bed and I did n heard him.

At the theater, actors plays a mistery play. At one moment a spectator jumps up , shouting :

- Where is the killer ? A voice behind him says :

- Right behind you, if you don t sit down right now !

Bancurile de luni dimineata part XVII/Monday morning jokes part XVII

Atentie postare in limba romana si engleza

Warning, post in romanian and english

La o sectie de politie este adusa o femeie care a trecut pe rosu. Politistul de serviciu incepe sa o interogeze:
-Numele?
-Adela P.
-Virsta?
-28 de ani.
-Ocupatia?
-Invatatoare.
Politistul se ridica de la masa, zambeste fericit si ii spune:
-Minunat! Am asteptat aceasta ocazie o viata intreaga. Acum va asezati pe scaunul acesta si scrieti de 2.000 de ori, cu o caligrafie perfecta :
"Daca semaforul este rosu, trecerea este interzisa!"

Merg trei politai cu elicopterul.La un moment dat unul il intreaba pe celalalt:
- Auzi ba, de la ce e elicea aia de deasupra?
- Cred ca de la ventilatie ba, ca de cand s-a oprit uite ce transpira pilotu`!!!

Bula merge sa dea la facultatea de drept.
El merge imbracat frumos, la palarie si costum nou, iar acolo politistul ii spune ca ptr.a deveni politist trebuie sa aiba curaj, si dintr-o data scoate pistolul si-l impusca in palarie. Bula sta neclintit la care politistul il felicita ptr. curajul lui:
- Bravo, Bula, asa trebe sa fie un politist adevarat. Poftim niste bani ptr. palarie.
-Da, domn' politist, ptr. panataloni nu-mi dati?

Un englez, un francez, un roman si un ungur se aflau intr-o barca ce urma sa se scufunde.
Cei 4 decid sa traga la sorti care sa se arunce in apa si sa ii scape pe ceilalti.
Ghinionu cazu asupra englezului.
Acesta zise "Long live the king" si se arunca in apa.
Cei ramas observara ca barca tot se scufunda.
Veni randul francezului sa se arunce.Acesta zise "Vive la France" si se arunca.
Barca se tot scufunda!
Ghinionul cazu pe roman.Acesta zise "Traiasca Romania Mare" si ii facu branci ungurului!

Intr-un autobuz suprapus plecau mai multi politisti intr-o aplicatie.
S-au asezat ofiterii jos, iar subofiterii sus. Pe drum ofiterii se distrau: bancuri, bauturi... La subofiteri liniste mare.
Dupa vreo ora de mers un ofiter urca sa vada ce fac subofiterii de e asa liniste.
- Ce aveti ma de nu scoateti o vorba?
- Da, voua va convine sa va distrati ca aveti sofer, dar noi...

Un politai inalt ( ca bradu' ) , cu mustacioara , vorbeste cu un pusti:
- Mai tancule iti place mustata mea?
- Da nene.
- Mai tincule , da' tie iti place cascheta mea?
- Da nene.
- Pai vad ca tie ti-ar place sa fii politai , nu-i asa ?
- Da , nene , dar e prea tarziu.
- Cum asa , mai ai atata timp...
- Nu , nene , e prea tarziu , am trecut deja clasa a cincea...

Q: Cum determini dintr-un grup de politai pe cel mai idiot ?
A: Iei unul la intamplare ...

La gabori, alt concurs de promovare. Vine in sala primul candidat.
Exminatorul il intreaba:
- Cat face 5*5?
- 24!
- Ba esti sigur ba?
- 26!
- Ba, mai gandeste-te!
- 27!
Examinatorul noteaza in fisa: "Nu stie dar nu se da batut". Urmatorul:
- Cat face 6*6?
- 30!
- Esti sigur?
- Da, 30!
- Chiar esti sigur?
- Da dom'le, 30!
Examinatorul noteaza: "Nu stie, dar este un om cu principii". Ultimul:
- Cat face 9*9?
- 81!
- Cum ai stiut?
- De la scoala!
- Cum ma, de la scoala? Pai si ceilalti au fost la scoala!
- Da, de la scoala!
Examinatorul noteaza in fisa: "Stie dar nu vrea sa spuna de unde"!

- Poate o femeie sa-l faca pe un barbat milionar?
- Da, daca el e miliardar.

DE CE STAU TIGANII CU GEMUL INCHIS LA MASINA?
EI CRED CA MIROSUL VINE DE AFARA.

Stii ce a zis elefantul cand a vazut
un barbat in pielea goala?
-Cum naiba va manca cu trompa asta?

I: Ce-i mai bun la laptele de mama?
R: Ambalajul !

Ce spune gaina cand fuge cocosul dupa ea ?
-Oare nu fug prea repede ?

Q:Care este cel mai asemanator lucru cu ciclul unei femei ?
A:Salariul barbatului:vine o data pe luna, tine 3-4 zile si daca nu vine, esti terminat !!

TREI COPII LA MATERNITATE, DOUA FETITE SI UN BAIAT
BAIATUL: VOI SUNTETI FETITE EU SUNT BAIAT, STITI CE FAC BAIETII CU FETITELE?
FETITELE: NU NOI NU STIM SUNTEM PREA MICI, DAR TU DE UNDE STII CA ESTI BAIAT?
BAIETELUL ISI RIDICA PATURICA SI SPUNE: "TATAM, TATAM, AM CIORAPEII ALBASTRI ! "

Ion se intalneste cu un matematician, un economist si un contabil si-i intreaba:
- Cat fac unu si cu unu?
Matematicianul ii raspunde:
- Exact doi.
Economistul raspunde
- Poate doi.
Contabilul se uita in stanga si in dreapta si spune in soapta:
- Cat vrei sa faca?

Cum s-a numit soacra lui Aadam ?
- Adam nu a avut soacra. El traia in Paradis.

- STITI DE CE BARBATII NU AU INCREDERE IN FEMEI?
- CUM SA AI INCREDERE IN CINEVA CARE SANGEREAZA TIMP
de 5 ZILE LUNAR SI TOTUSI NU MOARE...

- Ce este un barbat frumos, inteligent si sentimental?
- Un zvon!

Daca inotul ajuta la slabit, atunci unde gresesc balenele?

I:Daca atunci cand mergi cu masina iti apar in fata o baba si un porc,ce calci mai intai?
R:Frana.

-Parca v-am mai vazut pe undeva???
-Aveti dreptate, trec foarte des pe acolo.

- De ce uraganele poarta nume de femeie?
- Pentru ca, asemeni femeilor, la inceput sunt calde si umede si dup-aia iti iau casa si masina!

- Stiti care este cea mai mare pedeapsa pentru un BIGAM ?
- Sa aiba 2 SOACRE !!!

Intrebare: Ce e rosu si vine regulat?
Indiciu: Vine daca esti cuminte!
Raspuns: Mos Craciun!!!

ENGLISH

At a police station is brought a woman who ran a red light . The officer begins to question service :
- Name
- Adela P.
- Age ?
-28 Years.
- Occupation ?
- Teacher .
Policeman stands at the table , happy smiles and says :
Wonderful ! I waited a lifetime for this occasion . Now sit on this chair and write 2,000 times , with perfect penmanship :
" If the traffic light is red , the transition is forbidden ! "

Three police fly with a  helicopter.At one time one asks the other:
- Hey dude,  what is that propeller above us ?
- I think is the ventilation system , ever since it stopped the pilot is sweating ' big time !

John going to take an exam to enter at law school .
He goes all dressed up, with hat and suit again, there a cop tells him that in order to become a cop he must have courage, and suddenly pulls out his gun and shoots him in the hat . John stand firm and then police for congratulates. his courage :
- Bravo , John , you have what it takes to be a  real cop . Here's some money for your hat.
- Yes , Sir ' but can you give me some money for my pants too???

An englishman , a frenchmen , a romanian and a hungarian were in a boat that was to sink.
The four decide to draw straws to dive and to save others.
First time the bad luck fell upon the Englishman .
He said "Long live the queen " and jumps in the water.
The remaining observ that the boat is still sinking.
The second  time the bad luck fell upon the Frenchman 's. He sais " Vive la France " and jumps in to the watter .
The boat is still sinking !
Misfortune fell on romanina at  This one screms " Viva Romania Mare" and push the hungarian in the water !

In a 2 level bus a bunch policeman are traveling .
On the lower level  sat down the  officers and the new recruit upstairs. On the way officers had fun : jokes , drinks ... but upstairns great calm .
After some time an officer walked up to see why are the new recruit so quiet.
- What happened that  your are soo quiet?
- Well sir is fine four you downstairs because you have a driver but we don t

A very tall policeman is talking to a kid :
- Tell litle boy do you like my mustache ?
- Yes sir .
- Do You like my helmet ?
- Yes sir .
- Well I see that You'd like to be a cop , right ?
- Yes , sir , but it's too late for me.
- How so , you have so much time ...
- No, sir , it's too late , I already passed in the fifth grade ...

Q : How do you determine who is the idiot in  a group of cops?
A: You take one at random ...

At policeman at promotional contest . In the room enters the first candidate .
Exminatorul asks :
- How much is 5X5 ?
- 24!
- You 're sure ba ?
- 26 !
- Oh , think again !
- 27!
The examiner notes in the text : "He doesen t know but he doesen t  give up ." Next :
- How much is 6X6 ?
- 30 !
- Are you sure ?
- Yes , 30 !
- Are you really sure?
- Yes sir, 30 !
Examiner writes : "He doesen t  know , but is a man of principle ." latest:
- How much is 9X9 ?
- 81 !
- How did you know?
- From school!
- How come from school? Well the others were at school!
- Yes , at school !
The examiner notes in the text : " He knows but he does not want to say where " !

- Can a woman make a man a millionaire ?
- Yes , if he's a billionaire first!!

Why gypsies drive with the window closed in a car ?
They believe that the smell comes from outside.

You know what the elephant  said when he saw
a naked man for the first time?
How the hell would you eat with such a small proboscis ?

Q: What's the best thing about mother 's milk ?
R : Wrapping !

What does a chicken thinks when is chased by the  rouster ?
- Am I running too fast?

Q : What is the most similar thing to a woman's cycle ?
A : The man salary : comes once a month , lasts for 3-4 days and if is not coming you're finished !

Three children, maternity , two girls and a boy
Boy : I am boy you are girls , Do you know what boys do with little girls?
Girls : No we do not know, we are too small, but how do you know that you are boy ?
Boy lifted his blanket and says " I got blue stocking!!

John meets a mathematician , an economist and an accountant and ask them :
- What is the result of 2X2??
The mathematician responds,
- Exactly two .
The economist reply
- Maybe two .
Accountant looked left and right and says in a whisper :
- How much do you want to do?

What was Aadam 's mother in law named ?
- Adam had no mother in law . He lived in Paradise.

- Do you know why men do not trust women?
- How can you trust someone who is bleeding
5 days month and doesen t die ...

- What is a man who is  handsome , intelligent and sentimental?
- A rumor !

If swimming helps weight loss , then where whales go wrong ?

Q: If you are driving with the car when and in front of you appear an old woman and a pig what do you hit first ?
R : The breakes.

- I thought I seen you somewhere ? ?
- You are right , I go there often .

- Why hurricanes wear woman's name ?
- Because , like women , are warm and wet at first and then they are taking you home and car !

- Do you know what is the biggest punishment for bigamy ?
- To have 2 in-law !

Q: What's red and comes regularly?
Hint: if you're good !
Re: Santa Claus !