Atentie postare in limba romana si engleza
Warning, post in romanian and english
Doua blonde stau de vorba:
- Stii, ieri mi-am facut
testul de sarcina!
Cealalta, foarte curioasa, i
se adreseaza:
- Si au fost grele
intrebarile?
- Cat costa rochia aceea
albastra?
- 100 de lei, doamna!
- Vai! Dar cea rosie?
- Vai, vai, vai!
- Mama! Am omorat cinci muste
dintr-o singura lovitura! povesteste Bula. Doua erau masculi si trei femele.
- Cum ti-ai dat seama de
acest lucru?
- Pai doua erau pe masa si
trei pe oglinda.
Pe o alee intre blocuri,
intr-un cartier, o doamna striga :
- Madam Popescu ! La un geam
isi face aparitia o doamna.
- Da, draga, ce vrei ?
- Madam Popescu, sotul meu
este cumva la dumneata ?
- Nu, draga !
- Madam Ionescu ! striga
atunci tipa. Isi face aparitia o alta doamna.
- Ce-i draga ?
- Sotul meu este cumva la
dumneata ?
- Nu, draga ! Dar ce s-a
intamplat ?
- Pai, ne-am certat un pic si
a plecat furios. Am fugit dupa el si cand l-am intrebat unde se duce, a
raspuns: "La curve!"
Academia de politie. Examen
final. Proba de fizica. Intrebare unica: "Ce este mai mare, viteza luminii
sau viteza sunetului? Argumentati".
Primul politist:
- A sunetului.
- Fals, dar argumentati!
- Pai daca dau drumul la
televizor, mai intii se aude ceva si-apoi se vede!
Al doilea politist:
- A luminii.
- Corect. Argumentati.
- Daca dau drumul la radio,
mai intii se aprinde beculetul si apoi s-aude.
Al treilea politist, geniul
grupei, tinara speranta a politiei romane:
- A luminii.
- Corect, argumentati.
- Furtuna!
- Excelent... ziceti!
- Tunet, fulger... intii vad
fulgerul, apoi aud tunetul!
- Excelent, argumentati!
- Pai, permiteti sa raportez:
ochii e mai in fata decit urechile!
- Unde lucrezi dumneata?
intreaba politistul.
- Nicaieri. Sint somer.
- Si dumneata?
- Eu sint adjunctul
dumnealui.
La scoala, invatatoarea le
explica copiilor fenomenul deosebit ce va avea loc la prinz:
- Copii, astazi la ora 14 va
avea loc o eclipsa de soare. Sa urmariti fenomenul cu atentie... Curios, Bula
din ultima banca: - Pe ce canal?
Doi soti se opresc in statia
de taxiuri. Sotul il intreaba pe soferul de taxi :
- Pana in centru , la
Universitate , cat m-ar costa ?
- 15 RON ! - Si daca o luam
si pe nevasta mea cu noi , atunci cat m-ar costa ?
- Tot atat ! La care
barbatul, uitandu-se la nevasta sa , cu o umbra de dispret :
- Vezi ? Ti-am spus mereu ca
nu valorezi nimic !
Intr-o noapte, la spital, o
asistenta blonda il scoala pe pacientul care dormea un somn adanc si ii spune:
-Treziti-va, am uitat sa va
dau somniferul!
- Bula, de ce nu scrii?
- Eu nu are creion, doamna.
- Nu e corect sa spui
"eu nu are creion". Fii atent, se pronunta astfel: "eu nu am
creion, tu nu ai creion, el nu are creion, noi nu avem creioane..."
- Dar cine dracu' a sutit
toate creioanele?
Sotul pe patul de moarte:
- Iubito, trebuie sa stii
ceva.
- Ce, draga?
- Te-am inselat cu fata de la
magazinul de bijuterii.
- Stiu, iubitule, de-aia
te-am otravit.
La un bar, discuta doua
blonde trecute de prima tinerete:
- Vezi pe cei doi barbati de
acolo? Ei bine, cel din dreapta este sotul meu, cel din stanga este amantul
meu.
- Ce ciudat... La mine este
exact invers!
Doi politisti merg pe strada
si la un moment dat unul dintre ei observa o cascheta pe jos.
- Ia uite, mai, cascheta lui
Popescu! La care celalalt:
- Esti prost, n-ai auzit ca
si-a pierdut-o?
Un preot explica la ora de
religie:
- Dumnezeu l-a creat pe Adam,
iar cu o coasta din Adam a creat-o pe Eva.
- Parinte, zice Bulisor, dar
tata spune ca ne tragem din maimute.
- Auzi, zice preotul
plictisit, cazul familiei tale nu ma intereseaza. Eu vorbeam in general.
Sotia: Iubitule... Ce faci?
Sotul: Nimic.
Sotia: Nimic? Pai de-o ora
tot studiezi certificatul nostru de casatorie.
Sotul: Cautam data expirarii
Doua blonde cautau prin
padure un brad de Craciun.
Dupa o zi intreaga de stat in
frig, una dintre ele ii spune celeilalte:
- Auzi, n-ar fi mai bine sa
luam unul asa, fara globuri?
Bula lipseste trei zile de la
scoala si cand vine, invatatoarea il intreaba:
- Bula,de ce ai lipsit?
- Pai, a murit bunica, a
calcat-o tractorul pe deget.
- Dar, Bula, din asta nu se
moare.
- Stiu, dar il avea in nas.
Bula mai lipseste trei zile.
-Bula, de ce ai lipsit iar?
il intreaba invatatoarea.
- A murit mama, a calcat-o
tractorul.
Bula mai lipseste trei zile.
- Bula, de ce ai lipsit?
- Acum a murit tata, l-a
calcat tractorul
- Dar, tu Bula, ce faceai in
timpul asta?
- Ma plimbam cu tractorul.
Intr-un club de club de
noapte un tip invita o domnisoara la dans iar cand dansul s-a terminat, a
sarutat-o patimas. Tipa a fugit imediat la masa, si-a scos telefonul din geanta
si a inceput sa tasteze ceva foarte rapid. Tipul, surprins, o intreaba:
- Ce s-a intamplat? Ceva
urgent?
- Nu, nu, stai linistit. Imi
schimb statusul pe facebook.
Un barbat spala vasele. Fiul
sau se apropie si-l intreaba:
- Taticule, ce este acela un
„bigam”?
- Pai, dragul meu, este un
idiot care spala de doua ori mai multe vase decat mine.
Ora 23.57. Intr-o intersectie
se intalnesc doi politisti. Unul din ei aprinde o tigara, trage din ea si tace.
Al doilea dupa un timp de tacere spune catre primul:
– Ba! Tu stii care este
capitala Angliei?
– Da! Paris. De ce?
– Credeam ca nu stii!
- Bula, de ce plingi?
intreaba mama lui.
- Pentru ca vecinul nu se
joaca decat cu tine!
O doamna intra la farmacie si
ii cere farmacistului arsenic. Farmacistul intreaba:
- Doamna, la ce va trebuie
arsenicul?
- Pentru ca sa-l omor pe
sotul meu!
- Doamna, nu pot sa va vand
arsenic pentru acest motiv, imi pare rau, spune farmacistul. Atunci doamna
scotoceste in poseta si scoate o fotografie cu sotul ei care facea dragoste cu
sotia farmacistului. Acesta se uita la fotografie si spune:
- Ah, scuzati-ma, n-am stiut
ca aveti reteta.
Un barbat suna la pompieri si
zice speriat:
- Domnule, soacra mea vrea sa
se arunce de la etaj!!
- Si care e problema?
- Nu se deschide fereastra!
Doi politisti discuta:
- De ce iti pui copilul sa
doarma pe dulap?
- Data trecuta a cazut din
pat si n-am auzit.
La teatru, unde se joaca o
piesa politista, o spectatoare sare in sus, strigind:
- Unde este ucigasul? La care
o voce din spatele ei ii da replica:
- In spatele dumitale, daca
nu te asezi imediat!
ENGLISH
Two blondes are talking :
- Yesterday I took a
pregnancy test !
The other , very curious and
addresses :
- And And the questions were
hard?
- How much is that blue
dress ?
- 100 euro , lady !
- Auch! The red one?
- Auch!!Auch!!Auch!!!!
- Mom! I killed five flies in
one shot ! says John . Two were males and three females .
- How do you figure this?
- Well two were on the table
and three on the mirror .
In an alley between buildings
, in a neighborhood , a lady is crying
- Madam Smith ! A window is
opening and lady appear.
- Yes , dear , what do you
want?
- Madam Smith, my husband is
with you?
- No, darling !
- Madam Black ! scream then
the same lady again . Another lady made an appearance .
- What is it dear ?
- My husband is with you?
- No, darling ! But what
happened ?
- Well, we argued a bit and
went mad. I ran after him and when I asked him where he was going , replied,
" To the whores ! "
Police Academy . Final exam .
Physical class - single question : " Witch speed is bigger, the speed of
light or the speed of sound ? Explain " .
First cop :
- The speed of sound.
- False, but let s hear the
explication !
- Well if I turn on the TV ,
I first hear the sound and after that the immage!
The second officer :
- The speed of light.
- Right. Explain.
- When you turn on the radio,
at first the indicator light comes turns green and then I heard the sound .
The third officer , group
genius:
- The speed of light.
- Right, explaint.
- Storm !
- Excellent ... continue !
- Thunder , Lightning ...
first you see the lightning and then you hear the thunder !
- Excellent , explain !
- Well , eyes are before the
ears !
- Where are you working ?
asks the cop .
- Nowhere. I am unemployed .
- And you?
- I am a gentleman assistant
.
At school , the teacher
explained to them the solar eclipse that will take place at lunch :
- Children , today at 14 will
be a solar eclipse . This rare phenomenon has to be watch carefully ...
Curiously, John, in the last bank asks :
- On what channel ?
The husbant stops a taxi on
the road .He asks the taxi driver :
- From here to downtown at
the university , how much would it cost ?
- 15 Euro ! - And if we take
my wife with us then how much would it cost
- The same! At this point the
man looks at his wife with a shade of contempt :
- See ? I've always said that
are not worth anything!
One night at the hospital , a
blonde nurse woke up a patient deep sleeping and says :
- Wake up , I forgot to give
you your sleeping pill !
- John , why are you not
writing ?
- Me don t have any pencil , ma'am.
- It's not right to say
" I do not have pencil " . Be careful, the corect form is " I do
not have a pencil, you do not have a
pencil, they don t have a pencil."
- But who the hell
stoled all the pencils ?
Husband on his deathbed :
- Baby , you should know
something.
- What, dear ?
- I cheated with the girl at
the jewelry store .
- I know, dear , that's why I
poisoned you .
At one bar, two blondes well
past over their first youth talk:
- See those two men there?
Well, at the right is my husband , and on the left is my lover .
- How strange ... To me it is
exactly the opposite !
Two policemen walk down the
street and at one point one of them notice a helmet on the ground.
- Look , John, Smith's helmet
! On the other:
- How could you be so stupid,
didn t you hear that he lost it?
A priest explains at religion
:
- God created Adam and
from a coast of Adam created Eve .
- Father , says John , but my
dad says that we evolved from apes .
- Listen, says priest bored,
I don t care about your family, I was talking in general.
Wife: Honey ... What are you
doing ?
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: Nothing? Well for the
last hour you study our marriage certificate.
Husband: I am looking for the
expiration date!!
Two blondes were looking in a
forest for a Christmas tree .
After a full day, tired and
cold , one of them says to the other :
- Hey , I think we should
take one with out the decoration ?
John is missing three days of
school and when comes the teacher asks :
- John why did you missed school?
- Well, my grandma died , a
tractor run over her finger.
- But, John , you can t die
from something like this .
- I know, but her finger was
in the nose.
Few days later John is
missing again three days.
- John , why did you missed school this time? asks the teacher
.
- My mothe died she was
crashed by the tractor.
Few days later John is
missing again three days
- John why did you missed school this time? asks the teacher
- Now my dad died, a tractor
hit him.
- But, John , what were you
doing in that time ?
- I was driving the tractor .
In a club nightclub one guy
invites a girl to dance and when the dance was over, he kissed her passionately
. The girl immediately ran to the table, he pulled the phone out of the bag and
began to type something quickly. The guy , surprised, asks :
- What happened ? Something
urgent?
- No, no, do not worry . I
change my status on Facebook .
A man washes the dishes. Son
approaches him and asks:
- Daddy, what is a "
bigamist " ?
- Well, my dear , is an idiot
who is washing twice more dishes than me.
Time 23.57 . In an
intersection two policemen meet . One of them lights a cigarette , pull out of
it and shut up . After a time of silence the first says :
- Do you know which is the
capital of England?
- Yes ! Paris. Why?
- I though you didn t know !
- Bula , why are you weeping
? asks his mother.
- Because the neighbor is not
playing than you!
A lady entering the pharmacy
and asks the pharmacist for arsenic. The pharmacist asks:
- Madam, what do you need
arsenic for ?
- Because I want to kill my
husband !
- Lady , I can not sell you
arsenic for this reason , I'm sorry , says pharmacist . The lady pull out a
photo from her bag in witch her husband was making love to pharmacist wife and
show s it to him He looked at the photo and says:
- Ah , excuse me , I didn t
know that you have a prescription.
A man calls the fire
department and says scared :
- Sir, my mother wants to
jump from her flatt located at the 12 floor !
- And what's the problem ?
- The window is not oppening
!
Two policemen talks :
- Why did you put your baby to sleep on the closet?
- Last time he fell out of
bed and I did n heard him.
At the theater, actors plays
a mistery play. At one moment a spectator jumps up , shouting :
- Where is the killer ? A
voice behind him says :
- Right behind you, if you
don t sit down right now !
Niciun comentariu:
Trimiteți un comentariu