Bancurile de luni dimineata part XVII/Monday morning jokes part XVII

Atentie postare in limba romana si engleza

Warning, post in romanian and english

La o sectie de politie este adusa o femeie care a trecut pe rosu. Politistul de serviciu incepe sa o interogeze:
-Numele?
-Adela P.
-Virsta?
-28 de ani.
-Ocupatia?
-Invatatoare.
Politistul se ridica de la masa, zambeste fericit si ii spune:
-Minunat! Am asteptat aceasta ocazie o viata intreaga. Acum va asezati pe scaunul acesta si scrieti de 2.000 de ori, cu o caligrafie perfecta :
"Daca semaforul este rosu, trecerea este interzisa!"

Merg trei politai cu elicopterul.La un moment dat unul il intreaba pe celalalt:
- Auzi ba, de la ce e elicea aia de deasupra?
- Cred ca de la ventilatie ba, ca de cand s-a oprit uite ce transpira pilotu`!!!

Bula merge sa dea la facultatea de drept.
El merge imbracat frumos, la palarie si costum nou, iar acolo politistul ii spune ca ptr.a deveni politist trebuie sa aiba curaj, si dintr-o data scoate pistolul si-l impusca in palarie. Bula sta neclintit la care politistul il felicita ptr. curajul lui:
- Bravo, Bula, asa trebe sa fie un politist adevarat. Poftim niste bani ptr. palarie.
-Da, domn' politist, ptr. panataloni nu-mi dati?

Un englez, un francez, un roman si un ungur se aflau intr-o barca ce urma sa se scufunde.
Cei 4 decid sa traga la sorti care sa se arunce in apa si sa ii scape pe ceilalti.
Ghinionu cazu asupra englezului.
Acesta zise "Long live the king" si se arunca in apa.
Cei ramas observara ca barca tot se scufunda.
Veni randul francezului sa se arunce.Acesta zise "Vive la France" si se arunca.
Barca se tot scufunda!
Ghinionul cazu pe roman.Acesta zise "Traiasca Romania Mare" si ii facu branci ungurului!

Intr-un autobuz suprapus plecau mai multi politisti intr-o aplicatie.
S-au asezat ofiterii jos, iar subofiterii sus. Pe drum ofiterii se distrau: bancuri, bauturi... La subofiteri liniste mare.
Dupa vreo ora de mers un ofiter urca sa vada ce fac subofiterii de e asa liniste.
- Ce aveti ma de nu scoateti o vorba?
- Da, voua va convine sa va distrati ca aveti sofer, dar noi...

Un politai inalt ( ca bradu' ) , cu mustacioara , vorbeste cu un pusti:
- Mai tancule iti place mustata mea?
- Da nene.
- Mai tincule , da' tie iti place cascheta mea?
- Da nene.
- Pai vad ca tie ti-ar place sa fii politai , nu-i asa ?
- Da , nene , dar e prea tarziu.
- Cum asa , mai ai atata timp...
- Nu , nene , e prea tarziu , am trecut deja clasa a cincea...

Q: Cum determini dintr-un grup de politai pe cel mai idiot ?
A: Iei unul la intamplare ...

La gabori, alt concurs de promovare. Vine in sala primul candidat.
Exminatorul il intreaba:
- Cat face 5*5?
- 24!
- Ba esti sigur ba?
- 26!
- Ba, mai gandeste-te!
- 27!
Examinatorul noteaza in fisa: "Nu stie dar nu se da batut". Urmatorul:
- Cat face 6*6?
- 30!
- Esti sigur?
- Da, 30!
- Chiar esti sigur?
- Da dom'le, 30!
Examinatorul noteaza: "Nu stie, dar este un om cu principii". Ultimul:
- Cat face 9*9?
- 81!
- Cum ai stiut?
- De la scoala!
- Cum ma, de la scoala? Pai si ceilalti au fost la scoala!
- Da, de la scoala!
Examinatorul noteaza in fisa: "Stie dar nu vrea sa spuna de unde"!

- Poate o femeie sa-l faca pe un barbat milionar?
- Da, daca el e miliardar.

DE CE STAU TIGANII CU GEMUL INCHIS LA MASINA?
EI CRED CA MIROSUL VINE DE AFARA.

Stii ce a zis elefantul cand a vazut
un barbat in pielea goala?
-Cum naiba va manca cu trompa asta?

I: Ce-i mai bun la laptele de mama?
R: Ambalajul !

Ce spune gaina cand fuge cocosul dupa ea ?
-Oare nu fug prea repede ?

Q:Care este cel mai asemanator lucru cu ciclul unei femei ?
A:Salariul barbatului:vine o data pe luna, tine 3-4 zile si daca nu vine, esti terminat !!

TREI COPII LA MATERNITATE, DOUA FETITE SI UN BAIAT
BAIATUL: VOI SUNTETI FETITE EU SUNT BAIAT, STITI CE FAC BAIETII CU FETITELE?
FETITELE: NU NOI NU STIM SUNTEM PREA MICI, DAR TU DE UNDE STII CA ESTI BAIAT?
BAIETELUL ISI RIDICA PATURICA SI SPUNE: "TATAM, TATAM, AM CIORAPEII ALBASTRI ! "

Ion se intalneste cu un matematician, un economist si un contabil si-i intreaba:
- Cat fac unu si cu unu?
Matematicianul ii raspunde:
- Exact doi.
Economistul raspunde
- Poate doi.
Contabilul se uita in stanga si in dreapta si spune in soapta:
- Cat vrei sa faca?

Cum s-a numit soacra lui Aadam ?
- Adam nu a avut soacra. El traia in Paradis.

- STITI DE CE BARBATII NU AU INCREDERE IN FEMEI?
- CUM SA AI INCREDERE IN CINEVA CARE SANGEREAZA TIMP
de 5 ZILE LUNAR SI TOTUSI NU MOARE...

- Ce este un barbat frumos, inteligent si sentimental?
- Un zvon!

Daca inotul ajuta la slabit, atunci unde gresesc balenele?

I:Daca atunci cand mergi cu masina iti apar in fata o baba si un porc,ce calci mai intai?
R:Frana.

-Parca v-am mai vazut pe undeva???
-Aveti dreptate, trec foarte des pe acolo.

- De ce uraganele poarta nume de femeie?
- Pentru ca, asemeni femeilor, la inceput sunt calde si umede si dup-aia iti iau casa si masina!

- Stiti care este cea mai mare pedeapsa pentru un BIGAM ?
- Sa aiba 2 SOACRE !!!

Intrebare: Ce e rosu si vine regulat?
Indiciu: Vine daca esti cuminte!
Raspuns: Mos Craciun!!!

ENGLISH

At a police station is brought a woman who ran a red light . The officer begins to question service :
- Name
- Adela P.
- Age ?
-28 Years.
- Occupation ?
- Teacher .
Policeman stands at the table , happy smiles and says :
Wonderful ! I waited a lifetime for this occasion . Now sit on this chair and write 2,000 times , with perfect penmanship :
" If the traffic light is red , the transition is forbidden ! "

Three police fly with a  helicopter.At one time one asks the other:
- Hey dude,  what is that propeller above us ?
- I think is the ventilation system , ever since it stopped the pilot is sweating ' big time !

John going to take an exam to enter at law school .
He goes all dressed up, with hat and suit again, there a cop tells him that in order to become a cop he must have courage, and suddenly pulls out his gun and shoots him in the hat . John stand firm and then police for congratulates. his courage :
- Bravo , John , you have what it takes to be a  real cop . Here's some money for your hat.
- Yes , Sir ' but can you give me some money for my pants too???

An englishman , a frenchmen , a romanian and a hungarian were in a boat that was to sink.
The four decide to draw straws to dive and to save others.
First time the bad luck fell upon the Englishman .
He said "Long live the queen " and jumps in the water.
The remaining observ that the boat is still sinking.
The second  time the bad luck fell upon the Frenchman 's. He sais " Vive la France " and jumps in to the watter .
The boat is still sinking !
Misfortune fell on romanina at  This one screms " Viva Romania Mare" and push the hungarian in the water !

In a 2 level bus a bunch policeman are traveling .
On the lower level  sat down the  officers and the new recruit upstairs. On the way officers had fun : jokes , drinks ... but upstairns great calm .
After some time an officer walked up to see why are the new recruit so quiet.
- What happened that  your are soo quiet?
- Well sir is fine four you downstairs because you have a driver but we don t

A very tall policeman is talking to a kid :
- Tell litle boy do you like my mustache ?
- Yes sir .
- Do You like my helmet ?
- Yes sir .
- Well I see that You'd like to be a cop , right ?
- Yes , sir , but it's too late for me.
- How so , you have so much time ...
- No, sir , it's too late , I already passed in the fifth grade ...

Q : How do you determine who is the idiot in  a group of cops?
A: You take one at random ...

At policeman at promotional contest . In the room enters the first candidate .
Exminatorul asks :
- How much is 5X5 ?
- 24!
- You 're sure ba ?
- 26 !
- Oh , think again !
- 27!
The examiner notes in the text : "He doesen t know but he doesen t  give up ." Next :
- How much is 6X6 ?
- 30 !
- Are you sure ?
- Yes , 30 !
- Are you really sure?
- Yes sir, 30 !
Examiner writes : "He doesen t  know , but is a man of principle ." latest:
- How much is 9X9 ?
- 81 !
- How did you know?
- From school!
- How come from school? Well the others were at school!
- Yes , at school !
The examiner notes in the text : " He knows but he does not want to say where " !

- Can a woman make a man a millionaire ?
- Yes , if he's a billionaire first!!

Why gypsies drive with the window closed in a car ?
They believe that the smell comes from outside.

You know what the elephant  said when he saw
a naked man for the first time?
How the hell would you eat with such a small proboscis ?

Q: What's the best thing about mother 's milk ?
R : Wrapping !

What does a chicken thinks when is chased by the  rouster ?
- Am I running too fast?

Q : What is the most similar thing to a woman's cycle ?
A : The man salary : comes once a month , lasts for 3-4 days and if is not coming you're finished !

Three children, maternity , two girls and a boy
Boy : I am boy you are girls , Do you know what boys do with little girls?
Girls : No we do not know, we are too small, but how do you know that you are boy ?
Boy lifted his blanket and says " I got blue stocking!!

John meets a mathematician , an economist and an accountant and ask them :
- What is the result of 2X2??
The mathematician responds,
- Exactly two .
The economist reply
- Maybe two .
Accountant looked left and right and says in a whisper :
- How much do you want to do?

What was Aadam 's mother in law named ?
- Adam had no mother in law . He lived in Paradise.

- Do you know why men do not trust women?
- How can you trust someone who is bleeding
5 days month and doesen t die ...

- What is a man who is  handsome , intelligent and sentimental?
- A rumor !

If swimming helps weight loss , then where whales go wrong ?

Q: If you are driving with the car when and in front of you appear an old woman and a pig what do you hit first ?
R : The breakes.

- I thought I seen you somewhere ? ?
- You are right , I go there often .

- Why hurricanes wear woman's name ?
- Because , like women , are warm and wet at first and then they are taking you home and car !

- Do you know what is the biggest punishment for bigamy ?
- To have 2 in-law !

Q: What's red and comes regularly?
Hint: if you're good !
Re: Santa Claus !