Atentie postare in limba romana si engleza
Warning post in romanian and english
Pentru ca este luni dimineata si o noua zi de munca, prima pe anul acesta, nu vad nici un motiv pentru care sa incepem ziua tristi, asa ca hai sa ridem putin.
Nevasta unui detinut in audienta la directorul penitenciarului:
- Domnule director, am venit aici sa va rog sa-i dati barbatului meu o
munca mai usoara.
- Dar, doamna, barbatul dv. lipeste etichete pe sticle, deci nu vad in asta
un lucru greu.
- Nenorocitul, mie mi-a zis ca sapa un tunel...
Un tip incercand sa agate o blonda:
- Domnisoara, nu cumva ne-am vazut ieri la gradina zoologica?
- Parca da, in ce cusca erati?
Doi politai discuta:
- De ce iti tot freci miinile?
- Ca mi-e frig...
- Da' de ce nu-ti bagi miinile in buzunar?
- Acolo mi-s manusile.
Suferiti cumva de vise erotice? Intreaba doctorul un pacient.
- Nu sufar, domnule doctor. Chiar imi fac placere !
Generalul vede un soldat in post cu o umbrela deasupra capului.
- In toata viata mea nu am vazut niciodata un soldat, care s-ar teme de
ploaie.
- Nici eu nu ma tem. Am umbrela.
- Nu te mai vad cu bruneta cu care te intalneai inainte..
- S-a casatorit.
- Cu cine?
- Cu mine
Stapanul unui cal de curse nu era satisfacut de rezultatele ultimului tur.
El striga suparat catre jockey:
- Ce, nu te puteai misca mai repede?
- Puteam, dar regulile interzic sa te cobori de pe cal.
Un tip ce se intorcea de la fotbal este intrebat:
- Care e scorul?
- Doi zero.
- Pentru cine doi?
- Pentru nimeni. In dreapta - zero si in stanga - zero.
La magazin ...
- Aveti schiuri si bocanci de schiuri ??
- Ce marime?
- 56.
- Dar pentru ce va mai trebuie schiuri?
- Ioane! Cam cat ai da pentru sotia mea?
- Pentru Maria?
- Da!
- Pai... nimic...
- Ne-am inteles!
Ia-o!
Sotia:
- Iti promit ca te fac cel mai fericit barbat de pe lume.
Sotul:
- Serios? Cand pleci?
Cum se scapa de boala vacii nebune??
Prin divort.
Gheorghe si Vasalie stau pe prispa casei. Dupa deal, la orizont, apare un
deltaplan.
Vasalie ii zice lui Gheorghe:
- Iete, ba, ce pasaroi pa cer. Asta ne mananca oile.
- Lasa, zice Vasalie, il aranjez eu.
Vasalie ia pusca si trage un foc.
- Ai nimerit-o, ma?
- Nu stiu, zice Vasalie, dar vad ca la om i-a dat drumul .
Un director pleaca
cu secretara intr o delegatie. Ajunsi la hotel, pentru a scuti bani la cazare, cere o
camera cu un pat. Se cazeaza si dupa ce raman singuri in camera, ii spune
secretarei:
- Doamna, eu pentru ca sunt barbat voi dormi pe jos, dumneavoastra veti
dormi in pat.
- Vai, domnule director, se poate? Suntem oameni maturi cum se poate sa
dormiti pe jos, vom dormi in acelasi pat..
- Bine, dar nu va deranjeaza? zise directorul.
- Nu, zise secretara, dar sa stiti ca eu dorm goala.
In prima seara directorul a nadusit, a doua la fel , a treia la fel, dar nu
a facut nimic abtinandu-se din rasputeri.
Au plecat acasa fara a se intampla nimic intre ei si primul lucru pe care
l-a facut directorul cand a ajuns acasa a fost sa se duca la psiholog..
- Dl psiholog, uite ce s-a intamplat: am fost......., ii povesteste tot si
cere un tratament pentru a se linisti.
Psihologul, dupa ce l-a ascultat atent i-a spus:
- Va duceti acasa si beti 6 galeti cu apa.
- Are vreun efect dl psiholog, ma vindec?
- NU STIU, DAR CAM ATATA APA BEA UN BOU.
- Sunteti
ginecolog?
- Nu, dar pot sa
arunc o privire!
Psihiatrul
intreaba.
- Au mai existat in familia dumneavoastra cazuri cu boli mintale?
- Da, acum trei ani sora mea a refuzat sa se casatoreasca cu un american
miliardar...
Vechi proverb tibetan: Daca femeia ar fi buna, si
Dumnezeu ar avea una.
In tren, un pasager isi scoate piciorul din pantof, spunand:
- Mi-a amortit piciorul...
Alt pasager:
- Dupa cum miroase, a si murit demult...
Ciobanul Ion o cere de soție pe
Maria, Maria îi răspunde:
-Ioane, nu mă pot însura cu tine numai dacă ai scula de 30 de cm și 1000 de oi.
-Apoi dacă îi asa Marie să știi că
eu din sculă nu-mi tai și nici oi nu vând.
Care-i diferenta
intre o nunta ruseasca si o inmormantare ruseasca?
La inmormantare se imbata cu unul mai putin...
Un tip este arestat si dus la sectie deoarece vindea oamenilor elixirul
nemuririi.
La sectie, politistii afla ca individul nu numai ca pacaleste oamenii,
dar este si recidivist, fiind arestat pentru aceeasi cauza in 1794,
1856, 1928 si 2002
- Marie, tu crezi in reincarnare?
- Da, Ioane.
- Adica... eu dupa ce mor m-as putea reincarna intr-un bou?
- Nu, Ioane...nu se poate de doua ori la rand...
Obama e primul negru care a intrat la Casa Alba fara mop.
Ca sa vinzi un lucru greu vandabil , spune-i unei femei ca e un chilipir si
unui barbat ca e deductibil...
Dovada că există civilizaţii extratereste inteligente e faptul că nu ne-au
contactat!
Azi-dimineata, nevasta-mea a inceput sa urle la mine:
-E numai vina ta!
-Dar ce am facut?
-Lasa-ma un minut sa ma gandesc, ...............abia m-am trezit!
Un smecher de Dorobanti cu ultimul racnet de Lamborghini este oprit de
politia rutiera. Bineinteles acesta se foloseste de tupeul specific si incepe
conversatia cu un ton amenintator :
- Ce faci frate ? Pe mine te-ai gasit sa ma opresti ? Tu stii cine-i
taica-meu ?
Politistul, in timp ce completeaza procesul verbal:
- De ce ? Ma-ta nu ti-a spus ?!?
Înainte, când intrai într-un restarant și nimeni nu vorbea înseamna că e mâncarea bună.
Acum înseamnă că au wifi !
- O tânără femeie născu în
liftul unui spital şi se simţea foarte jenată din cauza asta.
Ca s-o consoleze, una dintre surori îi spuse :
- N-ai de ce să te jenezi. Cu doi ani în urmă, o femeie a născut chiar în
curtea maternităţii.
Auzind asta, tânăra mamă izbucni în lacrimi :
- Ştiu, tot eu
eram...
Soacra îşi sună
ginerele, panicată:
- Mihăiţă dragă, nu ştiu ce să fac, a căzut curentul şi din bucătărie vine
un miros puternic de gaz!
- Calmează-te, ar trebui să verifici, aprinde o lumânare şi intră în
bucătărie. Hai, că stau la telefon.
Doamna McFoole, nervoasa, ii spune sotului:
- John, mezinul suge de doua zile aceeasi bomboana!
- Ei, si ce-i rau in asta?
- De acord, nimic.
. Dar macar scoate-i invelitoarea
ENGLISH
Because it is monday morning
and a new day of work, the first one this year,
I see no reason to start the day sad, so
let's laugh a little.
A prisoner wife went to the prison director in audience :
- Mr. Director , I came here to askyou to give my husband an easier job.
- But , ma'am, your husband stick labels on the bottles , I don t see how this is a difficult thing .
- The son of a bitch , he said to me that he is diging a tunnel ...
A guy trying to pick up a blonde :
- Miss, didn t I saw you yesterday at the zoo ?
- Maybe in what cage were you?
Two cops discuss :
- Why do you keep rubbing your hands ?
- I'm cold ...
- Put your hands in your pocket?
- Can t do that, there are my gloves .
Do you suffer from erotic dreams ? Ask the doctor a patient.
- I do not suffer, Doc . I really enjoy doing !
A general sees a soldier in post with an umbrella overhead.
- In my entire life I have never seen a soldier who is afraid of rain.
- I 'm not afraid . I have an umbrella.
- I do not see you with that brunette like before ..
- She got married .
- With whom ?
- Me
A owner of a racing horse was not very satisfied with the results of the last race.
He cried angry at the jockey :
- Why, couldn t you move faster ?
- I could , but the rules forbid you get off the horse.
A guy who was returning from a football match is asked :
- What's the score ?
- Two zero.
- For whom?
- No one. On the right zero - and on the left zero.
In a general store ...
- Do you have skis and ski boots ?
- What size ?
- 56 .
- Why do you need skis?
- John ! How much would you give for my wife ?
- For Mary ?
- Yes !
- Well ... nothing ...
- We got an understanding ! Get her!
The wife:
- I promise you I ll make you the happiest man in the world.
The husband:
- Really ? When are you leaving?
How can you get rid of mad cow disease ?
By divorce.
John and Michael ae sitting on front porch . After the hill, on the horizon , there is a hang glider .
Them Michael says to John :
- Look man, what weird bird on the sky. This one is eating our sheeps.
- Nevermind , says John , I ll fix it .
John take s the gun and fire a shot .
- You got it , man?
- I an not sure , says John , but I at least it let the man go.
- Are you a gynecologist ?
- No, but I can take a look !
The psychiatrist asks .
- Has anyone in your family suffered from head disease?
- Yes , three years ago my sister refused to marry an American billionaire ...
Old Tibetan saying : If a woman would be any good , then God would have one .
In the train, a passenger removes his foot in the shoe , saying :
- My legs are numb ...
Another passenger:
- By the smell of them , they died recently ...
John the shepherd asks Mary to become his wife , Mary replies:
- John, I can not marry you unless you have at least 30 cm of dyck and 1,000 sheep.
- Well, in this case, I am not cutting any part of my dyck and I woun t sell any of my sheeps.
- Mr. Director , I came here to askyou to give my husband an easier job.
- But , ma'am, your husband stick labels on the bottles , I don t see how this is a difficult thing .
- The son of a bitch , he said to me that he is diging a tunnel ...
A guy trying to pick up a blonde :
- Miss, didn t I saw you yesterday at the zoo ?
- Maybe in what cage were you?
Two cops discuss :
- Why do you keep rubbing your hands ?
- I'm cold ...
- Put your hands in your pocket?
- Can t do that, there are my gloves .
Do you suffer from erotic dreams ? Ask the doctor a patient.
- I do not suffer, Doc . I really enjoy doing !
A general sees a soldier in post with an umbrella overhead.
- In my entire life I have never seen a soldier who is afraid of rain.
- I 'm not afraid . I have an umbrella.
- I do not see you with that brunette like before ..
- She got married .
- With whom ?
- Me
A owner of a racing horse was not very satisfied with the results of the last race.
He cried angry at the jockey :
- Why, couldn t you move faster ?
- I could , but the rules forbid you get off the horse.
A guy who was returning from a football match is asked :
- What's the score ?
- Two zero.
- For whom?
- No one. On the right zero - and on the left zero.
In a general store ...
- Do you have skis and ski boots ?
- What size ?
- 56 .
- Why do you need skis?
- John ! How much would you give for my wife ?
- For Mary ?
- Yes !
- Well ... nothing ...
- We got an understanding ! Get her!
The wife:
- I promise you I ll make you the happiest man in the world.
The husband:
- Really ? When are you leaving?
How can you get rid of mad cow disease ?
By divorce.
John and Michael ae sitting on front porch . After the hill, on the horizon , there is a hang glider .
Them Michael says to John :
- Look man, what weird bird on the sky. This one is eating our sheeps.
- Nevermind , says John , I ll fix it .
John take s the gun and fire a shot .
- You got it , man?
- I an not sure , says John , but I at least it let the man go.
- Are you a gynecologist ?
- No, but I can take a look !
The psychiatrist asks .
- Has anyone in your family suffered from head disease?
- Yes , three years ago my sister refused to marry an American billionaire ...
Old Tibetan saying : If a woman would be any good , then God would have one .
In the train, a passenger removes his foot in the shoe , saying :
- My legs are numb ...
Another passenger:
- By the smell of them , they died recently ...
John the shepherd asks Mary to become his wife , Mary replies:
- John, I can not marry you unless you have at least 30 cm of dyck and 1,000 sheep.
- Well, in this case, I am not cutting any part of my dyck and I woun t sell any of my sheeps.
What's the difference between a wedding and a funeral in Russia ?
At the funeral you got one less drunk individual ...
A guy is arrested and taken to the police station because he is selling to the people the elixir for immortality.
At the station , the police find that the individual not only fools people
but it is also a repeat offender , he was arrested for the same cause in 1794 ,
1856 , 1928 and 2002.
- Mary , do you believe in reincarnation ?
- Yes , John.
- I mean ... after I die I could reincarnate in an ox ?
- No, not you ... You can t do this twice in a row ...
Obama is the first one that came to the White House without a mop.
To sell a thing that is not wanted you have to tell the womens that is a bargain and to a man that is deductible ...
The best proof that there is intelligent extraterrestrial civilizations is they didn t contacted us!
This morning , my wife started screaming at me:
It's your fault!
But what I did?
- Give me a minute to think, ...............I just woke up !
A wise guy with the latest type of Lamborghini is stopped in traffic by the police . This wise guy uses his nerve and start the conversation in a threatening tone :
- What s up brother? Why did you stop me ? Do you know who my father is?
The officer , while complete minutes :
- Why ? Your mother didn t told you ! ?
Before , when you entered in a restaurant and no one spoke, it means that the food was excellent.
Now they must have wifi !
- A young woman gave birth in a hospital lift and felt very embarrassed because of it.
For comfort her , one of his sisters said :
- It 's nothing to be embarrassed about . Two years ago , a woman gave birth in the court of hospital.
Hearing this , the young mother burst into tears :
- I know, it was me ...
Mother-in -law calls her s son in lay in panic :
- John dear, I do not know what to do, the power went down and from the kitchen comes a strong smell of gas !
- Calm down, you should check , light a candle and went into the kitchen. I am waiting by the phone.
Mrs. McFoole nervously tells her husband :
- John , junior sucks two days from the same candy !
- Well , what 's wrong with that?
- Agreed , nothing. . But at least you could remove the wraping
- Well , what 's wrong with that?
- Agreed , nothing. . But at least you could remove the wraping
