In decursul istoriei
acestei planete au fost unii oameni care au avut cate o strafulgerare de geniu
si unii care au fost pe faza sa retina aceste lucruri pentru posteritate. Mai
jos aveti citeva mostre.
Lectura placuta:
joi, 13 februarie 2014
luni, 10 februarie 2014
Bancurile de luni dimineata part XVIII/Monday morning jokes part XVIII
Atentie postare in limba romana si engleza
Warning, post in romanian and english
Doua blonde stau de vorba:
- Stii, ieri mi-am facut
testul de sarcina!
Cealalta, foarte curioasa, i
se adreseaza:
- Si au fost grele
intrebarile?
- Cat costa rochia aceea
albastra?
- 100 de lei, doamna!
- Vai! Dar cea rosie?
- Vai, vai, vai!
- Mama! Am omorat cinci muste
dintr-o singura lovitura! povesteste Bula. Doua erau masculi si trei femele.
- Cum ti-ai dat seama de
acest lucru?
- Pai doua erau pe masa si
trei pe oglinda.
Pe o alee intre blocuri,
intr-un cartier, o doamna striga :
- Madam Popescu ! La un geam
isi face aparitia o doamna.
- Da, draga, ce vrei ?
- Madam Popescu, sotul meu
este cumva la dumneata ?
- Nu, draga !
- Madam Ionescu ! striga
atunci tipa. Isi face aparitia o alta doamna.
- Ce-i draga ?
- Sotul meu este cumva la
dumneata ?
- Nu, draga ! Dar ce s-a
intamplat ?
- Pai, ne-am certat un pic si
a plecat furios. Am fugit dupa el si cand l-am intrebat unde se duce, a
raspuns: "La curve!"
Academia de politie. Examen
final. Proba de fizica. Intrebare unica: "Ce este mai mare, viteza luminii
sau viteza sunetului? Argumentati".
Primul politist:
- A sunetului.
- Fals, dar argumentati!
- Pai daca dau drumul la
televizor, mai intii se aude ceva si-apoi se vede!
Al doilea politist:
- A luminii.
- Corect. Argumentati.
- Daca dau drumul la radio,
mai intii se aprinde beculetul si apoi s-aude.
Al treilea politist, geniul
grupei, tinara speranta a politiei romane:
- A luminii.
- Corect, argumentati.
- Furtuna!
- Excelent... ziceti!
- Tunet, fulger... intii vad
fulgerul, apoi aud tunetul!
- Excelent, argumentati!
- Pai, permiteti sa raportez:
ochii e mai in fata decit urechile!
- Unde lucrezi dumneata?
intreaba politistul.
- Nicaieri. Sint somer.
- Si dumneata?
- Eu sint adjunctul
dumnealui.
La scoala, invatatoarea le
explica copiilor fenomenul deosebit ce va avea loc la prinz:
- Copii, astazi la ora 14 va
avea loc o eclipsa de soare. Sa urmariti fenomenul cu atentie... Curios, Bula
din ultima banca: - Pe ce canal?
Doi soti se opresc in statia
de taxiuri. Sotul il intreaba pe soferul de taxi :
- Pana in centru , la
Universitate , cat m-ar costa ?
- 15 RON ! - Si daca o luam
si pe nevasta mea cu noi , atunci cat m-ar costa ?
- Tot atat ! La care
barbatul, uitandu-se la nevasta sa , cu o umbra de dispret :
- Vezi ? Ti-am spus mereu ca
nu valorezi nimic !
Intr-o noapte, la spital, o
asistenta blonda il scoala pe pacientul care dormea un somn adanc si ii spune:
-Treziti-va, am uitat sa va
dau somniferul!
- Bula, de ce nu scrii?
- Eu nu are creion, doamna.
- Nu e corect sa spui
"eu nu are creion". Fii atent, se pronunta astfel: "eu nu am
creion, tu nu ai creion, el nu are creion, noi nu avem creioane..."
- Dar cine dracu' a sutit
toate creioanele?
Sotul pe patul de moarte:
- Iubito, trebuie sa stii
ceva.
- Ce, draga?
- Te-am inselat cu fata de la
magazinul de bijuterii.
- Stiu, iubitule, de-aia
te-am otravit.
La un bar, discuta doua
blonde trecute de prima tinerete:
- Vezi pe cei doi barbati de
acolo? Ei bine, cel din dreapta este sotul meu, cel din stanga este amantul
meu.
- Ce ciudat... La mine este
exact invers!
Doi politisti merg pe strada
si la un moment dat unul dintre ei observa o cascheta pe jos.
- Ia uite, mai, cascheta lui
Popescu! La care celalalt:
- Esti prost, n-ai auzit ca
si-a pierdut-o?
Un preot explica la ora de
religie:
- Dumnezeu l-a creat pe Adam,
iar cu o coasta din Adam a creat-o pe Eva.
- Parinte, zice Bulisor, dar
tata spune ca ne tragem din maimute.
- Auzi, zice preotul
plictisit, cazul familiei tale nu ma intereseaza. Eu vorbeam in general.
Sotia: Iubitule... Ce faci?
Sotul: Nimic.
Sotia: Nimic? Pai de-o ora
tot studiezi certificatul nostru de casatorie.
Sotul: Cautam data expirarii
Doua blonde cautau prin
padure un brad de Craciun.
Dupa o zi intreaga de stat in
frig, una dintre ele ii spune celeilalte:
- Auzi, n-ar fi mai bine sa
luam unul asa, fara globuri?
Bula lipseste trei zile de la
scoala si cand vine, invatatoarea il intreaba:
- Bula,de ce ai lipsit?
- Pai, a murit bunica, a
calcat-o tractorul pe deget.
- Dar, Bula, din asta nu se
moare.
- Stiu, dar il avea in nas.
Bula mai lipseste trei zile.
-Bula, de ce ai lipsit iar?
il intreaba invatatoarea.
- A murit mama, a calcat-o
tractorul.
Bula mai lipseste trei zile.
- Bula, de ce ai lipsit?
- Acum a murit tata, l-a
calcat tractorul
- Dar, tu Bula, ce faceai in
timpul asta?
- Ma plimbam cu tractorul.
Intr-un club de club de
noapte un tip invita o domnisoara la dans iar cand dansul s-a terminat, a
sarutat-o patimas. Tipa a fugit imediat la masa, si-a scos telefonul din geanta
si a inceput sa tasteze ceva foarte rapid. Tipul, surprins, o intreaba:
- Ce s-a intamplat? Ceva
urgent?
- Nu, nu, stai linistit. Imi
schimb statusul pe facebook.
Un barbat spala vasele. Fiul
sau se apropie si-l intreaba:
- Taticule, ce este acela un
„bigam”?
- Pai, dragul meu, este un
idiot care spala de doua ori mai multe vase decat mine.
Ora 23.57. Intr-o intersectie
se intalnesc doi politisti. Unul din ei aprinde o tigara, trage din ea si tace.
Al doilea dupa un timp de tacere spune catre primul:
– Ba! Tu stii care este
capitala Angliei?
– Da! Paris. De ce?
– Credeam ca nu stii!
- Bula, de ce plingi?
intreaba mama lui.
- Pentru ca vecinul nu se
joaca decat cu tine!
O doamna intra la farmacie si
ii cere farmacistului arsenic. Farmacistul intreaba:
- Doamna, la ce va trebuie
arsenicul?
- Pentru ca sa-l omor pe
sotul meu!
- Doamna, nu pot sa va vand
arsenic pentru acest motiv, imi pare rau, spune farmacistul. Atunci doamna
scotoceste in poseta si scoate o fotografie cu sotul ei care facea dragoste cu
sotia farmacistului. Acesta se uita la fotografie si spune:
- Ah, scuzati-ma, n-am stiut
ca aveti reteta.
Un barbat suna la pompieri si
zice speriat:
- Domnule, soacra mea vrea sa
se arunce de la etaj!!
- Si care e problema?
- Nu se deschide fereastra!
Doi politisti discuta:
- De ce iti pui copilul sa
doarma pe dulap?
- Data trecuta a cazut din
pat si n-am auzit.
La teatru, unde se joaca o
piesa politista, o spectatoare sare in sus, strigind:
- Unde este ucigasul? La care
o voce din spatele ei ii da replica:
- In spatele dumitale, daca
nu te asezi imediat!
ENGLISH
Two blondes are talking :
- Yesterday I took a
pregnancy test !
The other , very curious and
addresses :
- And And the questions were
hard?
- How much is that blue
dress ?
- 100 euro , lady !
- Auch! The red one?
- Auch!!Auch!!Auch!!!!
- Mom! I killed five flies in
one shot ! says John . Two were males and three females .
- How do you figure this?
- Well two were on the table
and three on the mirror .
In an alley between buildings
, in a neighborhood , a lady is crying
- Madam Smith ! A window is
opening and lady appear.
- Yes , dear , what do you
want?
- Madam Smith, my husband is
with you?
- No, darling !
- Madam Black ! scream then
the same lady again . Another lady made an appearance .
- What is it dear ?
- My husband is with you?
- No, darling ! But what
happened ?
- Well, we argued a bit and
went mad. I ran after him and when I asked him where he was going , replied,
" To the whores ! "
Police Academy . Final exam .
Physical class - single question : " Witch speed is bigger, the speed of
light or the speed of sound ? Explain " .
First cop :
- The speed of sound.
- False, but let s hear the
explication !
- Well if I turn on the TV ,
I first hear the sound and after that the immage!
The second officer :
- The speed of light.
- Right. Explain.
- When you turn on the radio,
at first the indicator light comes turns green and then I heard the sound .
The third officer , group
genius:
- The speed of light.
- Right, explaint.
- Storm !
- Excellent ... continue !
- Thunder , Lightning ...
first you see the lightning and then you hear the thunder !
- Excellent , explain !
- Well , eyes are before the
ears !
- Where are you working ?
asks the cop .
- Nowhere. I am unemployed .
- And you?
- I am a gentleman assistant
.
At school , the teacher
explained to them the solar eclipse that will take place at lunch :
- Children , today at 14 will
be a solar eclipse . This rare phenomenon has to be watch carefully ...
Curiously, John, in the last bank asks :
- On what channel ?
The husbant stops a taxi on
the road .He asks the taxi driver :
- From here to downtown at
the university , how much would it cost ?
- 15 Euro ! - And if we take
my wife with us then how much would it cost
- The same! At this point the
man looks at his wife with a shade of contempt :
- See ? I've always said that
are not worth anything!
One night at the hospital , a
blonde nurse woke up a patient deep sleeping and says :
- Wake up , I forgot to give
you your sleeping pill !
- John , why are you not
writing ?
- Me don t have any pencil , ma'am.
- It's not right to say
" I do not have pencil " . Be careful, the corect form is " I do
not have a pencil, you do not have a
pencil, they don t have a pencil."
- But who the hell
stoled all the pencils ?
Husband on his deathbed :
- Baby , you should know
something.
- What, dear ?
- I cheated with the girl at
the jewelry store .
- I know, dear , that's why I
poisoned you .
At one bar, two blondes well
past over their first youth talk:
- See those two men there?
Well, at the right is my husband , and on the left is my lover .
- How strange ... To me it is
exactly the opposite !
Two policemen walk down the
street and at one point one of them notice a helmet on the ground.
- Look , John, Smith's helmet
! On the other:
- How could you be so stupid,
didn t you hear that he lost it?
A priest explains at religion
:
- God created Adam and
from a coast of Adam created Eve .
- Father , says John , but my
dad says that we evolved from apes .
- Listen, says priest bored,
I don t care about your family, I was talking in general.
Wife: Honey ... What are you
doing ?
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: Nothing? Well for the
last hour you study our marriage certificate.
Husband: I am looking for the
expiration date!!
Two blondes were looking in a
forest for a Christmas tree .
After a full day, tired and
cold , one of them says to the other :
- Hey , I think we should
take one with out the decoration ?
John is missing three days of
school and when comes the teacher asks :
- John why did you missed school?
- Well, my grandma died , a
tractor run over her finger.
- But, John , you can t die
from something like this .
- I know, but her finger was
in the nose.
Few days later John is
missing again three days.
- John , why did you missed school this time? asks the teacher
.
- My mothe died she was
crashed by the tractor.
Few days later John is
missing again three days
- John why did you missed school this time? asks the teacher
- Now my dad died, a tractor
hit him.
- But, John , what were you
doing in that time ?
- I was driving the tractor .
In a club nightclub one guy
invites a girl to dance and when the dance was over, he kissed her passionately
. The girl immediately ran to the table, he pulled the phone out of the bag and
began to type something quickly. The guy , surprised, asks :
- What happened ? Something
urgent?
- No, no, do not worry . I
change my status on Facebook .
A man washes the dishes. Son
approaches him and asks:
- Daddy, what is a "
bigamist " ?
- Well, my dear , is an idiot
who is washing twice more dishes than me.
Time 23.57 . In an
intersection two policemen meet . One of them lights a cigarette , pull out of
it and shut up . After a time of silence the first says :
- Do you know which is the
capital of England?
- Yes ! Paris. Why?
- I though you didn t know !
- Bula , why are you weeping
? asks his mother.
- Because the neighbor is not
playing than you!
A lady entering the pharmacy
and asks the pharmacist for arsenic. The pharmacist asks:
- Madam, what do you need
arsenic for ?
- Because I want to kill my
husband !
- Lady , I can not sell you
arsenic for this reason , I'm sorry , says pharmacist . The lady pull out a
photo from her bag in witch her husband was making love to pharmacist wife and
show s it to him He looked at the photo and says:
- Ah , excuse me , I didn t
know that you have a prescription.
A man calls the fire
department and says scared :
- Sir, my mother wants to
jump from her flatt located at the 12 floor !
- And what's the problem ?
- The window is not oppening
!
Two policemen talks :
- Why did you put your baby to sleep on the closet?
- Last time he fell out of
bed and I did n heard him.
At the theater, actors plays
a mistery play. At one moment a spectator jumps up , shouting :
- Where is the killer ? A
voice behind him says :
- Right behind you, if you
don t sit down right now !
luni, 3 februarie 2014
Bancurile de luni dimineata part XVII/Monday morning jokes part XVII
Atentie postare in limba romana si engleza
Warning, post in romanian and english
La o sectie de politie este adusa o femeie care a trecut pe rosu.
Politistul de serviciu incepe sa o interogeze:
-Numele?
-Adela P.
-Virsta?
-28 de ani.
-Ocupatia?
-Invatatoare.
Politistul se ridica de la masa, zambeste fericit si ii spune:
-Minunat! Am asteptat aceasta ocazie o viata intreaga. Acum va asezati pe scaunul acesta si scrieti de 2.000 de ori, cu o caligrafie perfecta :
"Daca semaforul este rosu, trecerea este interzisa!"
-Numele?
-Adela P.
-Virsta?
-28 de ani.
-Ocupatia?
-Invatatoare.
Politistul se ridica de la masa, zambeste fericit si ii spune:
-Minunat! Am asteptat aceasta ocazie o viata intreaga. Acum va asezati pe scaunul acesta si scrieti de 2.000 de ori, cu o caligrafie perfecta :
"Daca semaforul este rosu, trecerea este interzisa!"
Merg trei politai cu elicopterul.La un moment dat unul il intreaba pe celalalt:
- Auzi ba, de la ce e elicea aia de deasupra?
- Cred ca de la ventilatie ba, ca de cand s-a oprit uite ce transpira pilotu`!!!
- Auzi ba, de la ce e elicea aia de deasupra?
- Cred ca de la ventilatie ba, ca de cand s-a oprit uite ce transpira pilotu`!!!
Bula merge sa dea la facultatea de drept.
El merge imbracat frumos, la palarie si costum nou, iar acolo politistul ii spune ca ptr.a deveni politist trebuie sa aiba curaj, si dintr-o data scoate pistolul si-l impusca in palarie. Bula sta neclintit la care politistul il felicita ptr. curajul lui:
- Bravo, Bula, asa trebe sa fie un politist adevarat. Poftim niste bani ptr. palarie.
-Da, domn' politist, ptr. panataloni nu-mi dati?
El merge imbracat frumos, la palarie si costum nou, iar acolo politistul ii spune ca ptr.a deveni politist trebuie sa aiba curaj, si dintr-o data scoate pistolul si-l impusca in palarie. Bula sta neclintit la care politistul il felicita ptr. curajul lui:
- Bravo, Bula, asa trebe sa fie un politist adevarat. Poftim niste bani ptr. palarie.
-Da, domn' politist, ptr. panataloni nu-mi dati?
Un englez, un francez, un roman si un ungur se aflau intr-o barca ce urma
sa se scufunde.
Cei 4 decid sa traga la sorti care sa se arunce in apa si sa ii scape pe ceilalti.
Ghinionu cazu asupra englezului.
Acesta zise "Long live the king" si se arunca in apa.
Cei ramas observara ca barca tot se scufunda.
Veni randul francezului sa se arunce.Acesta zise "Vive la France" si se arunca.
Barca se tot scufunda!
Ghinionul cazu pe roman.Acesta zise "Traiasca Romania Mare" si ii facu branci ungurului!
Cei 4 decid sa traga la sorti care sa se arunce in apa si sa ii scape pe ceilalti.
Ghinionu cazu asupra englezului.
Acesta zise "Long live the king" si se arunca in apa.
Cei ramas observara ca barca tot se scufunda.
Veni randul francezului sa se arunce.Acesta zise "Vive la France" si se arunca.
Barca se tot scufunda!
Ghinionul cazu pe roman.Acesta zise "Traiasca Romania Mare" si ii facu branci ungurului!
Intr-un autobuz suprapus plecau mai multi politisti intr-o aplicatie.
S-au asezat ofiterii jos, iar subofiterii sus. Pe drum ofiterii se distrau: bancuri, bauturi... La subofiteri liniste mare.
Dupa vreo ora de mers un ofiter urca sa vada ce fac subofiterii de e asa liniste.
- Ce aveti ma de nu scoateti o vorba?
- Da, voua va convine sa va distrati ca aveti sofer, dar noi...
S-au asezat ofiterii jos, iar subofiterii sus. Pe drum ofiterii se distrau: bancuri, bauturi... La subofiteri liniste mare.
Dupa vreo ora de mers un ofiter urca sa vada ce fac subofiterii de e asa liniste.
- Ce aveti ma de nu scoateti o vorba?
- Da, voua va convine sa va distrati ca aveti sofer, dar noi...
Un politai inalt ( ca bradu' ) , cu mustacioara , vorbeste cu un pusti:
- Mai tancule iti place mustata mea?
- Da nene.
- Mai tincule , da' tie iti place cascheta mea?
- Da nene.
- Pai vad ca tie ti-ar place sa fii politai , nu-i asa ?
- Da , nene , dar e prea tarziu.
- Cum asa , mai ai atata timp...
- Nu , nene , e prea tarziu , am trecut deja clasa a cincea...
- Mai tancule iti place mustata mea?
- Da nene.
- Mai tincule , da' tie iti place cascheta mea?
- Da nene.
- Pai vad ca tie ti-ar place sa fii politai , nu-i asa ?
- Da , nene , dar e prea tarziu.
- Cum asa , mai ai atata timp...
- Nu , nene , e prea tarziu , am trecut deja clasa a cincea...
Q: Cum determini dintr-un grup de politai pe cel mai idiot ?
A: Iei unul la intamplare ...
A: Iei unul la intamplare ...
La gabori, alt concurs de promovare. Vine in sala primul candidat.
Exminatorul il intreaba:
- Cat face 5*5?
- 24!
- Ba esti sigur ba?
- 26!
- Ba, mai gandeste-te!
- 27!
Examinatorul noteaza in fisa: "Nu stie dar nu se da batut". Urmatorul:
- Cat face 6*6?
- 30!
- Esti sigur?
- Da, 30!
- Chiar esti sigur?
- Da dom'le, 30!
Examinatorul noteaza: "Nu stie, dar este un om cu principii". Ultimul:
- Cat face 9*9?
- 81!
- Cum ai stiut?
- De la scoala!
- Cum ma, de la scoala? Pai si ceilalti au fost la scoala!
- Da, de la scoala!
Examinatorul noteaza in fisa: "Stie dar nu vrea sa spuna de unde"!
Exminatorul il intreaba:
- Cat face 5*5?
- 24!
- Ba esti sigur ba?
- 26!
- Ba, mai gandeste-te!
- 27!
Examinatorul noteaza in fisa: "Nu stie dar nu se da batut". Urmatorul:
- Cat face 6*6?
- 30!
- Esti sigur?
- Da, 30!
- Chiar esti sigur?
- Da dom'le, 30!
Examinatorul noteaza: "Nu stie, dar este un om cu principii". Ultimul:
- Cat face 9*9?
- 81!
- Cum ai stiut?
- De la scoala!
- Cum ma, de la scoala? Pai si ceilalti au fost la scoala!
- Da, de la scoala!
Examinatorul noteaza in fisa: "Stie dar nu vrea sa spuna de unde"!
- Poate o femeie sa-l faca pe un barbat milionar?
- Da, daca el e miliardar.
- Da, daca el e miliardar.
DE CE STAU TIGANII CU GEMUL INCHIS LA MASINA?
EI CRED CA MIROSUL VINE DE AFARA.
EI CRED CA MIROSUL VINE DE AFARA.
Stii ce a zis elefantul cand a vazut
un barbat in pielea goala?
-Cum naiba va manca cu trompa asta?
un barbat in pielea goala?
-Cum naiba va manca cu trompa asta?
I: Ce-i mai bun la laptele de mama?
R: Ambalajul !
R: Ambalajul !
Ce spune gaina cand fuge
cocosul dupa ea ?
-Oare nu fug prea repede ?
-Oare nu fug prea repede ?
Q:Care este cel mai asemanator lucru cu ciclul unei femei ?
A:Salariul barbatului:vine o data pe luna, tine 3-4 zile si daca nu vine, esti terminat !!
A:Salariul barbatului:vine o data pe luna, tine 3-4 zile si daca nu vine, esti terminat !!
TREI COPII LA MATERNITATE, DOUA FETITE SI UN BAIAT
BAIATUL: VOI SUNTETI FETITE EU SUNT BAIAT, STITI CE FAC BAIETII CU FETITELE?
FETITELE: NU NOI NU STIM SUNTEM PREA MICI, DAR TU DE UNDE STII CA ESTI BAIAT?
BAIETELUL ISI RIDICA PATURICA SI SPUNE: "TATAM, TATAM, AM CIORAPEII ALBASTRI ! "
BAIATUL: VOI SUNTETI FETITE EU SUNT BAIAT, STITI CE FAC BAIETII CU FETITELE?
FETITELE: NU NOI NU STIM SUNTEM PREA MICI, DAR TU DE UNDE STII CA ESTI BAIAT?
BAIETELUL ISI RIDICA PATURICA SI SPUNE: "TATAM, TATAM, AM CIORAPEII ALBASTRI ! "
Ion se intalneste cu un matematician, un economist si un contabil si-i
intreaba:
- Cat fac unu si cu unu?
Matematicianul ii raspunde:
- Exact doi.
Economistul raspunde
- Poate doi.
Contabilul se uita in stanga si in dreapta si spune in soapta:
- Cat vrei sa faca?
- Cat fac unu si cu unu?
Matematicianul ii raspunde:
- Exact doi.
Economistul raspunde
- Poate doi.
Contabilul se uita in stanga si in dreapta si spune in soapta:
- Cat vrei sa faca?
Cum s-a numit soacra lui
Aadam ?
- Adam nu a avut soacra. El traia in Paradis.
- Adam nu a avut soacra. El traia in Paradis.
- STITI DE CE BARBATII NU AU
INCREDERE IN FEMEI?
- CUM SA AI INCREDERE IN CINEVA CARE SANGEREAZA TIMP
de 5 ZILE LUNAR SI TOTUSI NU MOARE...
- CUM SA AI INCREDERE IN CINEVA CARE SANGEREAZA TIMP
de 5 ZILE LUNAR SI TOTUSI NU MOARE...
- Ce este un barbat frumos, inteligent si sentimental?
- Un zvon!
- Un zvon!
Daca inotul ajuta la slabit, atunci unde gresesc balenele?
I:Daca atunci cand mergi cu masina iti apar in fata o baba si un porc,ce
calci mai intai?
R:Frana.
R:Frana.
-Parca v-am mai vazut pe undeva???
-Aveti dreptate, trec foarte des pe acolo.
-Aveti dreptate, trec foarte des pe acolo.
- De ce uraganele poarta nume de femeie?
- Pentru ca, asemeni femeilor, la inceput sunt calde si umede si dup-aia iti iau casa si masina!
- Pentru ca, asemeni femeilor, la inceput sunt calde si umede si dup-aia iti iau casa si masina!
- Stiti care este cea mai mare pedeapsa pentru un BIGAM ?
- Sa aiba 2 SOACRE !!!
- Sa aiba 2 SOACRE !!!
Intrebare: Ce e rosu si vine regulat?
Indiciu: Vine daca esti cuminte!
Raspuns: Mos Craciun!!!
Indiciu: Vine daca esti cuminte!
Raspuns: Mos Craciun!!!
ENGLISH
At a police station is brought a woman who ran a red light . The officer
begins to question service :
- Name
- Adela P.
- Age ?
-28 Years.
- Occupation ?
- Teacher .
Policeman stands at the table , happy smiles and says :
Wonderful ! I waited a lifetime for this occasion . Now sit on this chair and write 2,000 times , with perfect penmanship :
" If the traffic light is red , the transition is forbidden ! "
Three police fly with a helicopter.At one time one asks the other:
- Hey dude, what is that propeller above us ?
- I think is the ventilation system , ever since it stopped the pilot is sweating ' big time !
John going to take an exam to enter at law school .
He goes all dressed up, with hat and suit again, there a cop tells him that in order to become a cop he must have courage, and suddenly pulls out his gun and shoots him in the hat . John stand firm and then police for congratulates. his courage :
- Bravo , John , you have what it takes to be a real cop . Here's some money for your hat.
- Yes , Sir ' but can you give me some money for my pants too???
An englishman , a frenchmen , a romanian and a hungarian were in a boat that was to sink.
The four decide to draw straws to dive and to save others.
First time the bad luck fell upon the Englishman .
He said "Long live the queen " and jumps in the water.
The remaining observ that the boat is still sinking.
The second time the bad luck fell upon the Frenchman 's. He sais " Vive la France " and jumps in to the watter .
The boat is still sinking !
Misfortune fell on romanina at This one screms " Viva Romania Mare" and push the hungarian in the water !
In a 2 level bus a bunch policeman are traveling .
On the lower level sat down the officers and the new recruit upstairs. On the way officers had fun : jokes , drinks ... but upstairns great calm .
After some time an officer walked up to see why are the new recruit so quiet.
- What happened that your are soo quiet?
- Well sir is fine four you downstairs because you have a driver but we don t
A very tall policeman is talking to a kid :
- Tell litle boy do you like my mustache ?
- Yes sir .
- Do You like my helmet ?
- Yes sir .
- Well I see that You'd like to be a cop , right ?
- Yes , sir , but it's too late for me.
- How so , you have so much time ...
- No, sir , it's too late , I already passed in the fifth grade ...
Q : How do you determine who is the idiot in a group of cops?
A: You take one at random ...
At policeman at promotional contest . In the room enters the first candidate .
Exminatorul asks :
- How much is 5X5 ?
- 24!
- You 're sure ba ?
- 26 !
- Oh , think again !
- 27!
The examiner notes in the text : "He doesen t know but he doesen t give up ." Next :
- How much is 6X6 ?
- 30 !
- Are you sure ?
- Yes , 30 !
- Are you really sure?
- Yes sir, 30 !
Examiner writes : "He doesen t know , but is a man of principle ." latest:
- How much is 9X9 ?
- 81 !
- How did you know?
- From school!
- How come from school? Well the others were at school!
- Yes , at school !
The examiner notes in the text : " He knows but he does not want to say where " !
- Can a woman make a man a millionaire ?
- Yes , if he's a billionaire first!!
Why gypsies drive with the window closed in a car ?
They believe that the smell comes from outside.
You know what the elephant said when he saw
a naked man for the first time?
How the hell would you eat with such a small proboscis ?
Q: What's the best thing about mother 's milk ?
R : Wrapping !
What does a chicken thinks when is chased by the rouster ?
- Am I running too fast?
Q : What is the most similar thing to a woman's cycle ?
A : The man salary : comes once a month , lasts for 3-4 days and if is not coming you're finished !
Three children, maternity , two girls and a boy
Boy : I am boy you are girls , Do you know what boys do with little girls?
Girls : No we do not know, we are too small, but how do you know that you are boy ?
Boy lifted his blanket and says " I got blue stocking!!
- Name
- Adela P.
- Age ?
-28 Years.
- Occupation ?
- Teacher .
Policeman stands at the table , happy smiles and says :
Wonderful ! I waited a lifetime for this occasion . Now sit on this chair and write 2,000 times , with perfect penmanship :
" If the traffic light is red , the transition is forbidden ! "
Three police fly with a helicopter.At one time one asks the other:
- Hey dude, what is that propeller above us ?
- I think is the ventilation system , ever since it stopped the pilot is sweating ' big time !
John going to take an exam to enter at law school .
He goes all dressed up, with hat and suit again, there a cop tells him that in order to become a cop he must have courage, and suddenly pulls out his gun and shoots him in the hat . John stand firm and then police for congratulates. his courage :
- Bravo , John , you have what it takes to be a real cop . Here's some money for your hat.
- Yes , Sir ' but can you give me some money for my pants too???
An englishman , a frenchmen , a romanian and a hungarian were in a boat that was to sink.
The four decide to draw straws to dive and to save others.
First time the bad luck fell upon the Englishman .
He said "Long live the queen " and jumps in the water.
The remaining observ that the boat is still sinking.
The second time the bad luck fell upon the Frenchman 's. He sais " Vive la France " and jumps in to the watter .
The boat is still sinking !
Misfortune fell on romanina at This one screms " Viva Romania Mare" and push the hungarian in the water !
In a 2 level bus a bunch policeman are traveling .
On the lower level sat down the officers and the new recruit upstairs. On the way officers had fun : jokes , drinks ... but upstairns great calm .
After some time an officer walked up to see why are the new recruit so quiet.
- What happened that your are soo quiet?
- Well sir is fine four you downstairs because you have a driver but we don t
A very tall policeman is talking to a kid :
- Tell litle boy do you like my mustache ?
- Yes sir .
- Do You like my helmet ?
- Yes sir .
- Well I see that You'd like to be a cop , right ?
- Yes , sir , but it's too late for me.
- How so , you have so much time ...
- No, sir , it's too late , I already passed in the fifth grade ...
Q : How do you determine who is the idiot in a group of cops?
A: You take one at random ...
At policeman at promotional contest . In the room enters the first candidate .
Exminatorul asks :
- How much is 5X5 ?
- 24!
- You 're sure ba ?
- 26 !
- Oh , think again !
- 27!
The examiner notes in the text : "He doesen t know but he doesen t give up ." Next :
- How much is 6X6 ?
- 30 !
- Are you sure ?
- Yes , 30 !
- Are you really sure?
- Yes sir, 30 !
Examiner writes : "He doesen t know , but is a man of principle ." latest:
- How much is 9X9 ?
- 81 !
- How did you know?
- From school!
- How come from school? Well the others were at school!
- Yes , at school !
The examiner notes in the text : " He knows but he does not want to say where " !
- Can a woman make a man a millionaire ?
- Yes , if he's a billionaire first!!
Why gypsies drive with the window closed in a car ?
They believe that the smell comes from outside.
You know what the elephant said when he saw
a naked man for the first time?
How the hell would you eat with such a small proboscis ?
Q: What's the best thing about mother 's milk ?
R : Wrapping !
What does a chicken thinks when is chased by the rouster ?
- Am I running too fast?
Q : What is the most similar thing to a woman's cycle ?
A : The man salary : comes once a month , lasts for 3-4 days and if is not coming you're finished !
Three children, maternity , two girls and a boy
Boy : I am boy you are girls , Do you know what boys do with little girls?
Girls : No we do not know, we are too small, but how do you know that you are boy ?
Boy lifted his blanket and says " I got blue stocking!!
John meets a mathematician , an economist and an accountant and ask them :
- What is the result of 2X2??
The mathematician responds,
- Exactly two .
The economist reply
- Maybe two .
Accountant looked left and right and says in a whisper :
- How much do you want to do?
What was Aadam 's mother in law named ?
- Adam had no mother in law . He lived in Paradise.
- Do you know why men do not trust women?
- How can you trust someone who is bleeding
5 days month and doesen t die ...
- What is a man who is handsome , intelligent and sentimental?
- A rumor !
If swimming helps weight loss , then where whales go wrong ?
Q: If you are driving with the car when and in front of you appear an old woman and a pig what do you hit first ?
R : The breakes.
- I thought I seen you somewhere ? ?
- You are right , I go there often .
- Why hurricanes wear woman's name ?
- Because , like women , are warm and wet at first and then they are taking you home and car !
- Do you know what is the biggest punishment for bigamy ?
- To have 2 in-law !
Q: What's red and comes regularly?
Hint: if you're good !
Re: Santa Claus !
joi, 30 ianuarie 2014
Iarna in Bucuresti-Herastrau/Winter in Bucharest-Herastrau Park
Atentie postare in limba romana si engleza
Warning, post in romanian and english
Iarna in Herastrau
Dupa cum spouneam si aici: http://blog-deroman.blogspot.ro/2013/11/iarnawinter.html iarna este anotimpul meu preferat. Imi
place tot la el, frigul, vintul dar mai ales zapada. Chiar daca din acest sezon
s-a dus mai mult de jumatate din el pina sa avem parte de ceva zapada, uite ca
in sfirsit avem parte si de ea, dar in cantitati suficiente cit sa deregleze
multe lucruri. Bineinteles ca nu postez aici pentru a ma plinge de drumuri
blocate, localitati inzapezite sau alte lipsuri. Las aceste aspecte in seama
unor oameni mult mai talentati decit mine a in a zugravi aceste lucruri.
Cum
in aceasta perioada nimic nu depaseste in frumusete un mers la munte prin
zapada si cum momentan aceasta oportunitate pentru mine este scoasa din calcul,
astazi vreau sa impartasesc cu voi citeva impresii de iarna din Parcul
Herastrau. Marti seara dupa ce am iesit de la serviciu mi-am luat aparatul foto
si m-am oprit in Herasrau pentru a admira capodoperele Generalului Iarna.
Am vazut ca aleile parcului erau
curatate dar totusi parcul era pustiu. Pacat, iarna a facut din el o imensitate
alba care abia asteapta sa fie vizitata. Copacii isi poarta cu mindrie hainele
de omat care le dau un aspect imperial. Aleile se intind printre copaci
lasindu-ti impresia ca esti printro padure si in curind incepi urcusul catre un
varf de munte de unde sa vezi un oceam imaculat de zapada. Lacul inghetat da
impresia unui patinoar in aer liber in asteptarea patinatorilor dar care pina
la sosirea acestora isi trage un pic sufletul. Vintul adia usor printre
crengile copacilor lasind impresia unei mici ninsori si totul in jur dadea
impresia de calm si serenitate facindu-te sa uiti ca esti in mijlocul unei
capitale.
Cam atit pentru acum, astazi dupa
ce scap de la serviciu ma duc sa mai fac o tura de parc, poate ne vedem acolo.
In final citeva poze, sper sa va placa.
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Winter in Herastrau Park
As I said here: http://blog-deroman.blogspot.ro/2013/11/iarnawinter.html , winter is my
favorite season . I like everything about it, the cold, the wind and especially
the now. Even though more than half of this season has pass until we get some
snow, finally we have some of it, but in enough quantities to disturb a lot of
things. Of course I am not posting here to complain of blocked roads , snowy
places or other shortcomings . I leave these issues for the people more gifted those
matters.
Because in this moment nothing
surpasses the beauty of going to a mountain in the snow and how this opportunity
for me currently is ruled out, today I want to share with you some impressions about
Herastrau Park in the winter . Tuesday night after
I came home from work I took my camera and I turn off the Herastrau Park
to admire the masterpieces of General Winter .
I saw the park alleys were
cleaned but still the park was deserted . Too bad, the winter made of it an
immense white just waiting to be visited . Trees proudly wears there clothes of
snow that give them a imperial look . Paths stretch through the trees made you
think you're letting through a forest and soon you will start to climb to a
peak from where you could see a ocean of
immaculate snow . The frozen lake gives the impression of an outdoor rink
skating awaiting for the arrival of skaters and until then is catching it
breath . The wind was blowing gently through the tree branches, easily leaving
the impression of a little snow and everything else gave the impression of calm
and serenity making you forget that you are in the middle of an city capital .
This is it for now, today after I
finish work I'm going to do another tour of the park, maybe I'll see you there
. Finally some pictures , hope you enjoy .
luni, 27 ianuarie 2014
Bancurile de luni dimineata part XVI/Monday morning jokes part. XVI
Atentie, postare in limba romana si engleza
Warning, post in romanian and english
Trei betivani stateau intr-un
bar dintr-o gara.Trenul suna de plecare.Unul din ei zice:
-Mai avem timp de un rind.
Mai comanda ei un rind si pina sa-si dea seama, trenul porneste.Cei trei fug dupa el.Primul se agata,il ajuta si pe al doilea sa se urce.Al treilea se opreste,isi trage rasuflarea si incepe sa rida in hohote.Un om care trecea pe acolo il intreaba:
-De ce rizi omule!Urmatorul tren e abia la 4.
La care omul raspunde:
-De fapt cei doi au venit sa ma conduca la gara!
-Mai avem timp de un rind.
Mai comanda ei un rind si pina sa-si dea seama, trenul porneste.Cei trei fug dupa el.Primul se agata,il ajuta si pe al doilea sa se urce.Al treilea se opreste,isi trage rasuflarea si incepe sa rida in hohote.Un om care trecea pe acolo il intreaba:
-De ce rizi omule!Urmatorul tren e abia la 4.
La care omul raspunde:
-De fapt cei doi au venit sa ma conduca la gara!
Un om trece pe langa un betiv
si il intreaba:
-De ce bei mai, omule?
-Ca sa-mi inec amarul.
-Si,l-ai inecat?
-Nu, ca al dracului stie sa inoate!!
-De ce bei mai, omule?
-Ca sa-mi inec amarul.
-Si,l-ai inecat?
-Nu, ca al dracului stie sa inoate!!
Un betiv intr-un bar.......
-Doua beri...va rog !!!! La care barmanu .........:
-DA vad ca sunteti singur ............de ce doua?
-Pai una o beau pt mine si una pt prietenul meu din USA
A doua zi iarasi betivul.......
-Doua beri...va rog !!
I se aduc berile........Le bea
A treia zis betivul comanada:
-O bere va rog.........!!
-Pai nu mai beti doua ......ca de obicei?
-NU .....Beau numai pt prietenul meu din USA ca eu m-am lasat de baut......
-Doua beri...va rog !!!! La care barmanu .........:
-DA vad ca sunteti singur ............de ce doua?
-Pai una o beau pt mine si una pt prietenul meu din USA
A doua zi iarasi betivul.......
-Doua beri...va rog !!
I se aduc berile........Le bea
A treia zis betivul comanada:
-O bere va rog.........!!
-Pai nu mai beti doua ......ca de obicei?
-NU .....Beau numai pt prietenul meu din USA ca eu m-am lasat de baut......
- Nu po's'nteleg d'e ce am
fost adus la pol .. politie ! exclama un betiv , plin de indignare !
- Pentru bautura ! ii raspunde ofiterul de serviciu.
- Pai, de ce nu zici asa ? Adu-mi un coniac !
- Pentru bautura ! ii raspunde ofiterul de serviciu.
- Pai, de ce nu zici asa ? Adu-mi un coniac !
O femeie mergea pe strada si
observa un batranel care statea pe un scaun in fata casei.
-Ma scuzati, nu am putut sa nu observ ce fericit aratati, care este secretul dv. pentru o viata lunga si fericita?
-Fumez trei pachete de tigari pe zi, beau sase sticle de whiskey pe saptamana, mananc numai mancaruri cu multa grasime si nu fac niciodata sport.
-Nemaipomenit, dar cati ani aveti?
-Douazeci si sase.
-Ma scuzati, nu am putut sa nu observ ce fericit aratati, care este secretul dv. pentru o viata lunga si fericita?
-Fumez trei pachete de tigari pe zi, beau sase sticle de whiskey pe saptamana, mananc numai mancaruri cu multa grasime si nu fac niciodata sport.
-Nemaipomenit, dar cati ani aveti?
-Douazeci si sase.
Cica erau trei tipi rupti de
beti la o masa,povesteau ei.
-Ba, io-s trimisul lui Dumnezeu pe pamint!!!
La care altul:
-Taci ma, ca io-s trimisul lui Dumnezeu pe pamint!
La care cel de-al treilea zice:
-TACETI BA CA N-AM TRIMIS PE NIMENI!!!
-Ba, io-s trimisul lui Dumnezeu pe pamint!!!
La care altul:
-Taci ma, ca io-s trimisul lui Dumnezeu pe pamint!
La care cel de-al treilea zice:
-TACETI BA CA N-AM TRIMIS PE NIMENI!!!
Un betiv merge pe strada. Se
intalneste cu o doamna cu un carucior:
-O, Doamne, iar vad dublu.
-Nu, domnule, sunt gemeni.
-Toti patru?
-O, Doamne, iar vad dublu.
-Nu, domnule, sunt gemeni.
-Toti patru?
O tipa rupta de beata intra
intr-un bar, se duce la o masa si ii spune chelnerului
-Celnar,ada-mi un visichi ca ma arde ceptul!
Chelnerul o ignora si isi cauta de lucru la alta masa. Indignata, tipa repeta comanda:
-Celnar, ada-mi un visichi ca ma arde ceptul!
Chelnerul o ignora din nou, tipa repeta comanda, cand, super nervos,un alt client o apostrofeaza:
-Cucoana, in primul rand nu se spune "celnar", ci chelner, in al doilea rand nu se spune "visichi", ci whisky, si in al treilea rand scoate-ti tata din scrumiera ca de aia te arde "ceptul"!
-Celnar,ada-mi un visichi ca ma arde ceptul!
Chelnerul o ignora si isi cauta de lucru la alta masa. Indignata, tipa repeta comanda:
-Celnar, ada-mi un visichi ca ma arde ceptul!
Chelnerul o ignora din nou, tipa repeta comanda, cand, super nervos,un alt client o apostrofeaza:
-Cucoana, in primul rand nu se spune "celnar", ci chelner, in al doilea rand nu se spune "visichi", ci whisky, si in al treilea rand scoate-ti tata din scrumiera ca de aia te arde "ceptul"!
Doi betivi plinbandu-se pe
marginea unui lac vad un om innecat.
-Vezi ba daca a baut apa?
-Vezi ba daca a baut apa?
Un individ vine dimineata pe
la 5 acasa. Intra tiptil in camera unde dormea sotia si da sa-si scoata
pantalonii.
- Betivule, iar vii la ora asta acasa?
- Nu draga, zice omu' tragandu-si pantalonii la loc, acuma plec.
- Betivule, iar vii la ora asta acasa?
- Nu draga, zice omu' tragandu-si pantalonii la loc, acuma plec.
Un betiv la un bar comanda
primul pahar.Apoi al doilea, al treilea...la al cinspelea se hotareste sa se
opreasca. Cand se ridica de pe scaun sa plece cade pe jos.
-Drace, ce m-am imbatat! Ma tarasc pana in strada, dupa care ma ridic si ..
Ajunge la usa, vrea sa se ridice si iar cade.
-Ptiu, hai ca ma tarasc pana acasa, acolo ma ridic si intru in pat. Ajunge la usa vrea sa se ridice si cade. Nervos se taraste in pat, se pune langa nevasta-sa si se bucura ca aceasta nu-l auzise.
A doua zi scandal monstru.
- Betivule, te-ai imbatat de ai uitat de tine!!!
-De unde stii?
-M-au sunat cei de la bar si mi-au spus ca ti-ai uitat iar scaunul cu rotile.
-Drace, ce m-am imbatat! Ma tarasc pana in strada, dupa care ma ridic si ..
Ajunge la usa, vrea sa se ridice si iar cade.
-Ptiu, hai ca ma tarasc pana acasa, acolo ma ridic si intru in pat. Ajunge la usa vrea sa se ridice si cade. Nervos se taraste in pat, se pune langa nevasta-sa si se bucura ca aceasta nu-l auzise.
A doua zi scandal monstru.
- Betivule, te-ai imbatat de ai uitat de tine!!!
-De unde stii?
-M-au sunat cei de la bar si mi-au spus ca ti-ai uitat iar scaunul cu rotile.
Un infractor este interogat
la politie:
-Spune domn'e, ce-ai facut!
-Păi, am furat o cisternă cu vin...
-Si...
-Jumătate-am băut-o..
-Si cu cealaltă jumătate ce-ai făcut?
-Păi, am vandut-o!..
-Si ce-ai făcut cu banii?
-I-am băut!
-Spune domn'e, ce-ai facut!
-Păi, am furat o cisternă cu vin...
-Si...
-Jumătate-am băut-o..
-Si cu cealaltă jumătate ce-ai făcut?
-Păi, am vandut-o!..
-Si ce-ai făcut cu banii?
-I-am băut!
Leul iese dimineata nervos
din casa si da cu ochii de vulpe:
- Cine e regele animalelor?
- Tu, tu, tu esti, maria- ta, zice vulpea infricosata.
Mai merge si da peste lup:
- Ia zi, cine e regele animalelor?
- Maria-ta, zice lupul galben de frica.
Mai merge el si intr-o poiana da peste elefant, care manca linistit niste iarba:
- Ia zi, ma, umflatule, cine e regele animalelor?
Elefantul il prinde cu trompa dupa cap, il izbeste de vreo 3 copaci si-l lasa lat in mijlocul drumului.
Dupa vreo jumatate de ora, leul se ridica anevoie de jos:
- Ei, daca nu stii, nu stii si gata, nu trebuie sa devii violent!
- Cine e regele animalelor?
- Tu, tu, tu esti, maria- ta, zice vulpea infricosata.
Mai merge si da peste lup:
- Ia zi, cine e regele animalelor?
- Maria-ta, zice lupul galben de frica.
Mai merge el si intr-o poiana da peste elefant, care manca linistit niste iarba:
- Ia zi, ma, umflatule, cine e regele animalelor?
Elefantul il prinde cu trompa dupa cap, il izbeste de vreo 3 copaci si-l lasa lat in mijlocul drumului.
Dupa vreo jumatate de ora, leul se ridica anevoie de jos:
- Ei, daca nu stii, nu stii si gata, nu trebuie sa devii violent!
Frizerul il intreaba pe
client :
- Cum sa va tund ca sa fiti multumit ?
- Gratis !
- Cum sa va tund ca sa fiti multumit ?
- Gratis !
Un tip merge la incorporare
in marina. In timp ce i se completau actele, este intrebat:
- Stiti sa inotati?
- Da ce, nu aveti vapoare?
- Stiti sa inotati?
- Da ce, nu aveti vapoare?
Un angajat intra in biroul
sefului, smulge cablul telefonic din perete, ii arunca hartiile pe jos, ii
toarna cafeaua pe cap si da sa-l bata. Colegii din birou striga:
- Opreste-te, Fanele, noi am glumit, nu ai castigat la loto
- Opreste-te, Fanele, noi am glumit, nu ai castigat la loto
- De ce cotcodaceste gaina
cand se oua?
- E bucuroasă ca nu a ramas insarcinata.
- E bucuroasă ca nu a ramas insarcinata.
O baba merge pe calea ferata.
Din spate vine un tren 'fluierand'. Ce credeti ca zice baba?
- Fetele cuminti nu intorc capul dupa vagabonzi?'
- Fetele cuminti nu intorc capul dupa vagabonzi?'
I:Ce are 1000 de picioare si
IQ=10?
R:O coloana de blonde.
R:O coloana de blonde.
Unui tip, dupa ce este
analizat de doctor, i se spune ca nu mai are mult de trait. Fara nici o
speranta, il intreaba pe doctor
cat mai are de trait.
- 10, spune doctorul.
- Zece ce ? intreaba pacientul. Zece ani, luni, zile ?
- 9, 8, 7... continua doctorul.
cat mai are de trait.
- 10, spune doctorul.
- Zece ce ? intreaba pacientul. Zece ani, luni, zile ?
- 9, 8, 7... continua doctorul.
- Domnule doctor, va rog sa
ma ajutati in legatura cu sotul meu...
- Dar ce anume il supara ?
- Nu-l supara nimic deosebit, dar ii plac ciorapii de dama...
- Bine, doamna, dar asta nu e ceva deosebit... sint multi carora le plac...
- Da, dar lui ii plac ciorapii de dama...
- V-am mai spus, doamna, ca nu e nimic... Si mie imi plac...
- Simpli sau cu mustar ?
- Dar ce anume il supara ?
- Nu-l supara nimic deosebit, dar ii plac ciorapii de dama...
- Bine, doamna, dar asta nu e ceva deosebit... sint multi carora le plac...
- Da, dar lui ii plac ciorapii de dama...
- V-am mai spus, doamna, ca nu e nimic... Si mie imi plac...
- Simpli sau cu mustar ?
- Domne de ce costa un
kilogram de creier de savant 120.000 lei si unul de creier de politist 320.000
lei ?
- Dumneata ai idee cati politisti a trebuit sa taiem ca sa strangem un kilogram de creier ?
- Dumneata ai idee cati politisti a trebuit sa taiem ca sa strangem un kilogram de creier ?
ENGLISH
Three drunkards were sitting in a bar in a train station. The train whistle
for leaving . One of them says :
- We got time for one turn.
They order another row and they realize the train is leaving .The three run after it. The first one catch it and climb aboard, also he helps the second one to climb. The third one stops , draws its breath and began to laugh out loud . A man passing by asks :
Why are you laughing man, the next train is in about 4 hours .
To man replies:
- In fact the two have come to drive me to the station !
A man walks near a drunk and asks him :
Why do you drink so much?
- To drown my sorrows .
- And you drowned ?
-No, meanwhile they learned to swim !
A drunk in a bar .......
- Two beers ... please ! ! The bartender ......... :
- But I see you are alone ............ why two ?
- Well one drink for me and one for my friend who is in USA
The next day same storry.......
- Two beers ... please !
He gets the beers and drink them ........
Third day the drunk ordered :
A beer please ......... !
- But you usual get two?
- Today I drink only for in the U.S. because I've stopped drinking ......
- I can t understand why was I brought to the pole .. Police station! exclaimed a drunk , full of indignation !
- For drinking ! responds, the officer in charge .
- Well , why didn t you say so ? Bring me the brandy !
A woman was walking down the street and see an old man sitting on a chair in front of the house .
Excuse me , I could not help noticing how happy you look , which is your secret to a long and happy life ?
- I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day , drink six bottles of whiskey a week, eat only foods with fat and never do sport.
- Awesome , but how old are you ?
- Twenty-six .
Once there were three drunk guys in a bar at a table:.
- First one: I am the Messenger of God on earth !
The second one:
-Shut up, I am the messenger of God on earth !
To which the third says :
- Shut up you fools I haven t send anyone !
A drunk walking down the street . He meets a lady with a go-cart :
- O Lord, now I see double .
- No, sir, they are twins.
- All four of them?
Two drunk walking near a lake see a man drowned .
- See what happens if you drinking water?
A man comes home around 5 am . Login tiptoed into the room where his wife slept and trys to remove his pants .
- At this hour you come home, you asshole?
- Not dear , 'says the man pulling his pants back on, now I am leaving.
A drunk man in a bar ordering is firs drink, then , the second, the third ... up to the 15th and he decides to stop. When he rose from his chair to leave falls down .
- Damn, I am drunk ! I crawl up in the street, then get up and ..
Reach the door and wants to rise and fall down again.
- Damn , come home to crawl up there get up and go to bed. Reach the door wants to rise and falls. Nervous crawls into bed , next to his wife and he is happy that she didn t hear him .
The next day scandal .
- You asshole you were to the barr last night and get drunk !
How do you know ?
- I got a call from the bar and told me that you forgot your wheelchair there.
- We got time for one turn.
They order another row and they realize the train is leaving .The three run after it. The first one catch it and climb aboard, also he helps the second one to climb. The third one stops , draws its breath and began to laugh out loud . A man passing by asks :
Why are you laughing man, the next train is in about 4 hours .
To man replies:
- In fact the two have come to drive me to the station !
A man walks near a drunk and asks him :
Why do you drink so much?
- To drown my sorrows .
- And you drowned ?
-No, meanwhile they learned to swim !
A drunk in a bar .......
- Two beers ... please ! ! The bartender ......... :
- But I see you are alone ............ why two ?
- Well one drink for me and one for my friend who is in USA
The next day same storry.......
- Two beers ... please !
He gets the beers and drink them ........
Third day the drunk ordered :
A beer please ......... !
- But you usual get two?
- Today I drink only for in the U.S. because I've stopped drinking ......
- I can t understand why was I brought to the pole .. Police station! exclaimed a drunk , full of indignation !
- For drinking ! responds, the officer in charge .
- Well , why didn t you say so ? Bring me the brandy !
A woman was walking down the street and see an old man sitting on a chair in front of the house .
Excuse me , I could not help noticing how happy you look , which is your secret to a long and happy life ?
- I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day , drink six bottles of whiskey a week, eat only foods with fat and never do sport.
- Awesome , but how old are you ?
- Twenty-six .
Once there were three drunk guys in a bar at a table:.
- First one: I am the Messenger of God on earth !
The second one:
-Shut up, I am the messenger of God on earth !
To which the third says :
- Shut up you fools I haven t send anyone !
A drunk walking down the street . He meets a lady with a go-cart :
- O Lord, now I see double .
- No, sir, they are twins.
- All four of them?
Two drunk walking near a lake see a man drowned .
- See what happens if you drinking water?
A man comes home around 5 am . Login tiptoed into the room where his wife slept and trys to remove his pants .
- At this hour you come home, you asshole?
- Not dear , 'says the man pulling his pants back on, now I am leaving.
A drunk man in a bar ordering is firs drink, then , the second, the third ... up to the 15th and he decides to stop. When he rose from his chair to leave falls down .
- Damn, I am drunk ! I crawl up in the street, then get up and ..
Reach the door and wants to rise and fall down again.
- Damn , come home to crawl up there get up and go to bed. Reach the door wants to rise and falls. Nervous crawls into bed , next to his wife and he is happy that she didn t hear him .
The next day scandal .
- You asshole you were to the barr last night and get drunk !
How do you know ?
- I got a call from the bar and told me that you forgot your wheelchair there.
An offender is questioned at the police :
Tell me , what you did you do!
- Well , I stole a tank of wine ...
- And ...
- I drank half ..
- And what you did you do with the other half ?
- Well, I sold it ! ..
- And what did you do with the money?
- I drank !
The lion get s out from his house very nervous in the morning and meets thge fox :
- Who is the king of beasts ?
- You, you , you're , your haines , says the fox frightened .
He continues his walk and meets the wolf:
- Tell me, who's the king of beasts ?
- You, you , you're , your haines , says the wolf frightened.
He keeps walking and in a meadow come across elephant who was eating some grass
- Tell me, fat boy , who is the king of beasts ?
Elephant trunk catches him by the head, slams him for about three trees and leaves him wide in the middle of the road .
After about half an hour, the lion stood grievous below:
- Well, if you do not know , and you do not know about , you should not become violent!
The barber asks the client :
- How to mow to be satisfied ?
- Free!
A guy goes to the incorporation in the navy. While paperwork he is asked :
- Can you swim ?
- Why, you don t have ships ?
An employee enters the office boss , rip the phone cord out of the wall , throwing papers on the floor, poured coffee on his head and starts beating him. His colleagues in office shouting
- Stop, John , we joked , you didn t won the lottery
An old woman goes by rail . From behind comes a train ' whistling ' .
- What do you think the old lady says ?
- Well mannered girls don t turn their heads on people whistle after them ? "
Q: What has 1000 legs and IQ = 10 ?
A: A blonde column .
A guy , after being examined by a doctor is said that he doesen t have match time to lie. Without hope , he asks the doctor how much?.
- 10 says the doctor.
- Ten what? asks the patient . Ten years, months, days ?
- 9, 8 , 7 ... continued the doctor.
- Doctor , please help me with my husband ...
- But what is upseting him ?
- Nothing much, but he likes women socks ...
- Well , ma'am, but there's nothing out of the ordinary ... there are many people who like that...
- Yes, but he likes women's stockings ...
- As I said , ma'am, there's nothing out of the ordinary... I like them too...
- Simple or with mustard ?
- sir, please tell me why a pound of brain scientist cost £ 120,000 and a pound of brain from a policeman cost £ 320,000?
- 'Do you have any idea how many policeman we have to cut to get a pound of brain?
- Well mannered girls don t turn their heads on people whistle after them ? "
Q: What has 1000 legs and IQ = 10 ?
A: A blonde column .
A guy , after being examined by a doctor is said that he doesen t have match time to lie. Without hope , he asks the doctor how much?.
- 10 says the doctor.
- Ten what? asks the patient . Ten years, months, days ?
- 9, 8 , 7 ... continued the doctor.
- Doctor , please help me with my husband ...
- But what is upseting him ?
- Nothing much, but he likes women socks ...
- Well , ma'am, but there's nothing out of the ordinary ... there are many people who like that...
- Yes, but he likes women's stockings ...
- As I said , ma'am, there's nothing out of the ordinary... I like them too...
- Simple or with mustard ?
- sir, please tell me why a pound of brain scientist cost £ 120,000 and a pound of brain from a policeman cost £ 320,000?
- 'Do you have any idea how many policeman we have to cut to get a pound of brain?
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