La Multi Ani - Un An Nou Fericit/Happy New Year

Craciun Fericit/Merry Christmas

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YfGHvWA5JhA

Bancurile de luni dimineata part. XII/Monday morning jokes part. XII

Atentie, postare in romana si engleza

Warning, post in romanian and english

Intr-o intersectie opreste un conducator auto strain. Nestiind cum sa ajunga unde avea nevoie, intreaba un politist in mai multe limbi, insa fara succes. Vazind ca nu scoate nimic de la politist, pleaca mai departe. Dupa aia un politist si ii alt politist si ii spune:

- Ai vazut, maica, omu' ala stia atitea limbi straine! La care politistul:

- Si la ce i-a folosit?

- Domnule doctor, va rog, spuneti-mi drept, nu ma menajati, stiti, eu sunt un barbat puternic desi poate nu par… sotia meu,dupa entorsa asta groaznica la mana, va mai putea sa spele vasele?

O tanara blonda la ginecolog, doctorul isi spala mainile, fiind cu spatele la pacienta:

- Culcati-va.

- Cum sa ma culc?

- Asa cum stati, cand faceti sex.

Stergandu-si mainile, doctorul se intoarce:

- O Doamne, unde oare ati putea face sex in asa pozitie?

- In „Tico”.

Bula intorcandu-se de la scoala:

- Hei tata...

- Cum a fost ora de chimie?

- Bine, am facut niste explozibil...

- Si maine ce o sa faceti la scoala?

- Care scoala...?!?

La o maternitate din Paris cativa barbati ii privesc pe bebelusi printr-un geam despartitor. Printre tati se afla si un seic. Curios, unul dintre barbati il intreaba:

- Care este al dumneavoastra?

- Cele doua randuri din dreapta…

Doua blonde la telefon:

– Draga, ai fost aseara in club?

– Nu fata, am avut 39 cu 1 si m-a durut capul!

- Cum fata, ca si si eu am avut 69 cu 2 si n-am avut nici pe dracu!

Un politist se duce la magazin si intreaba vanzatorul:

- Domnule aveti televizoare color?

- Da avem!

- Atunci dati-mi si mie unul verde!

Doi politisti:

- Ba, Vasile, ce tremuri asa, ba, ce ai patit?

- Am stat putin in frigider.

- De ce, ba?

- Pai, Sefu', nu ne-ati zis ca politaii trebuie sa aiba singe rece?

Invatatoarea scrie pe tabla: 2 : 2=

- Bula, spune tu care e rezultatul.

- Meci nul, doamna!

Trei blonde intra intr-un bar. Sunt fericite, danseaza si canta. Tot comanda fiecare cate ceva de baut. Barmanul pana la urma, le intreaba ce sarbatoresc. Una dintre ele ii explica:

- Tocmai am terminat un puzzle si ne-a luat numai 3 luni sa terminam.

- Si ? Intreba barmanul.

- Pe cutie scria 2-4 ani !

Trei politisti stateau de vorba:

- Asa de proasta este nevasta-mea, zice primul, ca inchiriaza videocasete si noi nici macar nu avem video.

- A mea, zice al doilea, e si mai proasta, a cumparat detergent de spalat vase si noi nici nu avem masina de spalat vase...

- Ale voastre nu sint nimic, zice al treilea, eu am fost cu nevasta-mea la supermarket sa faca cumparaturi si ea si-a luat 20 de prezervative pentru vacanta... Va dati seama ce proasta, ca eu nici nu ma duc cu ea…

Mama lui Bula primeste un bilet de la profesoara lui: “Bulisor e un copil cuminte, invata bine, doar ca se gandeste prea mult la fete si la sex.” Mama citeste biletul si ii raspunde: “Daca gasiti solutie la problema – anuntati-ma! Taica-su are aceeasi problema!”

- M-am saturat de mania asta a vitezei. E pentru a treia oara cind era ci pe ce sa ma omori! se rasteste sotul infuriat la culme.

- Iubitule, te rog, mai da-mi o sansa!

Un barbat innebunit de furie intra la asistenta de la maternitate:

- Copilul sotiei e negru, cred ca s-a intimplat o schimbare!

- Foarte probabil, dar cred ca schimbarea s-a petrecut cu noua luni in urma.

Q: Cum faci o blonda sa rida simbata?

A: Ii spui o gluma miercuri.

Un tractorist a rasturnat remorca cu lemne chiar in mijlocul strazii. Un politist care era in preajma ii zice:

- Ce-ai facut, esti terminat, sa vezi ce-o sa-ti faca seful...

- Pai stie...

- De unde stie?

- Pai... este sub lemne…

Bula:

- Tata, tata, nu mai merg la scoala!

- De ce, Bula?

- Pai, doamna invatatoare asta nu stie nimic!

- Cum asa, Bulisor?

- Pai, ieri m-a intrebat pe mine cat fac 2+3!

Sotul vine inopinat acasa si-si gaseste sotia goala in pat. In scrumiera arde un trabuc.

- Ce-i cu asta?

- Nu stiu, se balbaie femeia, speriata.

- Daca nu-mi explici imediat, nu stiu ce-ti fac. Spune-mi, de unde a aparut tigara asta?

Atunci se aude din sifonier o voce infundata:

-         Din Havana, domnule.

Doi amici, intr-o vara torida, in barca, la pescuit, beau bere, cu lansetele in apa, fumeaza niste trabucuri ... cand, deodata, unul din ei zice, din senin:

- Auzi, ma? Cred ca divortez de nevasta-mea! Nu mi-a mai vorbit de o saptamana!

- Ba, io zic sa te mai gandesti. Femeie buna ca asta e mai greu de gasit ...

Doua blonde povestesc:

- Draga, ieri mi-am gasit abecedarul in pod.

- Dar l-ai citit?

- Desigur! Stai un pic... Tu nu l-ai citit?!

- Nu! Eu astept sa apara filmul!

Cumpara Bula o sticla de suc si nu poate sa o deschida. Se duce la politist si ii spune:

- Domnule politist, deschideti-mi si mie sticla.

Politistul o ia, se uita la ea, o cauta pe la dop si apoi bate de trei ori in ea zicand:

-         Cioc, cioc, cioc… Deschide, politia!

Examen la drept:

- Care este pedeapsa pentru bigamie?

- Doua soacre...

Un tip se duce la o vrajitoare vestita pentru puterea sa de a dezlega blesteme. Cind il vede asa amarit, vrajitoarea ii spune:

- Ei, acum, ca sa te pot dezlega de blestem, trebuie sa-mi spui exact cuvintele care te-au legat.

- "Va declar sot si sotie."

Trei tipe stau de vorba. Prima spune:

-Sa vedeti ce am gasit in buzunarele sotului meu aseara! Fotografii porno!!!

- Si ce ai facut cu ele?

- Nici nu am stat sa ma gandesc, le-am aruncat pe foc direct!

A doua spune si ea:

- Asta nu-i nimic, eu am gasit in buzunarele sotului meu prezervative!

- Si ce ai facut? Le-ai aruncat?

- Nici vorba de asa ceva! Le-am gaurit si le-am pus la loc.

Cea de a treia tipa lesina...

O blonda intra tremmurand din toate incheieturile intr-un sex-shop. Dupa o jumatate de ora de stat la coada :

-D D D D oaaamna a a a veve ti vi vibratoare?

-Da.

-Si... si cum se o... o... opresc?

Un proaspat politist, de-abia iesit de pe bancile Academiei de Politie, a fost insarcinat sa ancheteze o spargere. S-a inapoiat la sectie si a raportat:

- Domnule capitan, de la magazinul spart s-au furat doua cartuse de Kent si trei kilograme de morcovi.

- Si ai vreun suspect?

- Nu, dar va trebui sa caut un iepure care tuseste.

Dupa ce viziteaza mai multe magazine de pompe funebre, voind sa cumpere un sicriu, la ultimul dintre ele i se cere un pret exorbitant.

- De ce atit de scump? Am gasit si de sase ori mai ieftin.

- Se poate, dar aceea era marfa? E de ajuns sa dai de doua ori din coate si te trezesti afara!

Bula se insoara si, dupa ceva timp, se intilneste cu vechii lui prieteni, care il intreaba:

- Bai Bula, cum e nevasta-ta?

- Cum sa fie, este marfa, doar ca este cam somnoroasa. De cite ori iesim pe strada, cind vede un barbat bine, ea mereu spune: "Mama, ce m-as culca cu asta".

Ma voi intoarce.

ENGLISH

At a crossroad stops a foreign driver . Not knowing how to get where he needed , ask a policeman in several languages ​​, but without success. Seeing that from  the police is not get anything , he leaves . After that comes another cop and says :
- Did you see , the man knew so many languages ​​!:
- And it was verry useful for him ?

- Doctor , please , tell me the truth , don t speare me , you know , I am a strong man although I look so frail ... after this terrible sprained hand my wife, will be able to wash the dishes again?

A young blonde went to the gynecologist. The  doctor washes his hands being with his bach at his patient :
- Please lay on the bed .
- How?
- As you sit , when you have sex .
Wiping his hands , the doctor returns :
- O God, where could you could have sex in that  position?
- In a " Ford Ka " .

Bula returning to school :
- Hey Daddy ...
- How was the chemistry ?
- Okay, I made ​​some explosive ...
- And tomorrow what would you do at school?
- What school ... ! ?

At a maternity hospital in Paris a few men watched the baby through a glass window . Among fathers there was a arab sheik . Curiously, one of the men asks :
- Whitch one  is yours ?
- The two rows on the right ...

Two blondes on the phone :
- Honey, were you in the club last night ?
- No , I had 39 with 1 and my head hurts prreety bad!
- How come, as I had 69 with 2 and I had no head pain!

A cop goes to the store and ask the seller :
- Sir do you sell color TVs ?
- Yes we do!
- Then give me a green one !

Two policemen :
- John, what happened to you? You are shaking so bad,?
- I was a bit in the fridge.
- What for?
- Well, the Chief, said that the cops should be cold blooded ?

The teacher writes on the board : 2 : 2 =
- John , tell me the result.
- A tie , lady !

Three blonde walks into a bar. They are happy , dancing and singing . They order a big drink . The bartender,  ask them what they are celebrating. One of them explains :
- We just finished a puzzle and it took only three months to finish .
- And ? Asked the bartender .
- On the box was written 2-4 years !

Three policemen were talking :
- My wife is so stupid , says first , she rent videocassettes and we do not even have video player. .
- Mine , says the second is even worse , bought dishwasher detergent and we do not have a dishwasher ...
- Yours are nothing , says the third , I was with my wife to the supermarket to shop and she took 20 condoms for holiday ... Do you realize how stupid is she ,because  I am not going with her this year.

John 's mother receives a note from his teacher : " John is a good kid , learn well ,but he  just thinks too much about girls and sex. "

Mother read the note and responds, " If you find a solution to this the problem please let me know! His father has the same problem ! "

- I'm tired of this speed mania . It's the third time this month when you almost killed me ! says husband mad.
- Honey , please , give me another chance !

A crazy man storms into a maternity and shouts :
- My wife 's baby is black , I think someone changed him!
- Very likely , but I think the change happened nine months ago.

Q : How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday ?
A: You tell her a joke on Wednesday.

A tractor trailer loaded with wood overturned in the middle of the street. A policeman who was around it says to the driver:
- What have you done ?, you will see what your boss will do to you after this..
- Well he already knowns ...
- How does he know ?
- Well ... he is under the wood ...

John :
- Dad , Dad , I am not going to school anymore!
- Why ?
- Well, the teacher knows nothing !
- How so ,?
- Well, yesterday he asked my what is the result of 2 +3 !

A husband comes home unexpectedly and finds his wife in bed naked and a burning cigar in the ashtray.
- What's this?
- I do not know , says the woman scared.
- If you do not explain to me immediately , I do not know whatI ll do to you.  Tell me, where did this cigarette comme from?
Then a voice is heard from the closet :
- From Havana, sir.

Two friends, a hot summer , boat , fishing, drinking beer with rods in water, smoke some cigars ... when , suddenly , one of them says , out of the blue :
- I think of divorceing my wife ! She hasen t speak to me in over a week !
- Please reconsider your point of view . Good woman like that are hard to find .this day..

Two blondes stories :
- Honey, yesterday I found my old spelling book  in the attic.
- But did you read it?
- Of course ! Wait a minute ... You didn t read it?
- No! I waiting for the movie to come out!

A boy buys a bottle of bubble juice and couldn t open it . He goes to the police and says :
- Officer , could you  open this bottle to me .
The top takes the bottle , looked at her, looking at the cork and then beat it three times saying
- Knock, knock, knock ... Open up, police!

Exam at the law school :
- What is the punishment for bigamy ?
- Two mothers in law ...

A guy goes to a famous witch for her power to unravel curses . When she sees him so bitter, the witch asks :
- Well, now for me to unravel the curse , you must tell me the exact words that you were cursed.
- " Now I pronounce you husbant and wife. "

Three girls are talking. The first says:
- What do you think I found last night in the pockets of my husband pants! Porn photos !
- What did you do with them?
- With out thinking , I threw them on the fire, directly !
The second says it:
- That 's nothing , I found condoms in my husband's pockets !
- What did you do ? Have you thrown them?
- Something else ! I punctured them with a needle and put them back in.
The third girl passes out ...

Blonde all shaking up enters in a sex-shop. After half an hour of waiting in line :
-M mm mmaa mmmam  do you sell vibrators here ?
- Yes .
- And ... how do you stop it?


A fresh cop just graduated off the banks of the Police Academy , he was assigned to investigate a burglary . Was returned to the precint and reported :
- Captain, from the broken store were taken two cartridges of Kent and three pounds of carrots.
- And do you have a suspect?
- No, but we burglar must be a rabbit with a nasty cough .

John is getting married and, after some time, he meets with one of his old friends , who asks :
- How is your wife ?
- How could she be, verry beautiful, but verry sleepy . Whenever I go out on the street when he sees a good looking guy , she always says, "What wouldn t I give to sleep with that dude"

  

I ll be back!!!

Femeia/Woman

Femeia/Woman

Atentie postare in limba romana si engleza

Warning post in romanian and english

Scurta descriere a elementului:FEMEIA

Elementul chimic: FEMEIA

Descoperitor: Adam

Masa atomica: acceptat 53.6 kg, dar variind intre 40 si 200kg.Se gaseste in cantitati mari in toate zonele urbane.
Proprietati fizice: Fierbe sau ingheata fara motive aparente.Se topeste daca este tratat special.Amar,daca nu este folosit cum trebuie.  Suprafata este de obicei pictata cu farduri, rujuri, si alte tipuri de vopsele. Variaza de la materiale virgine (rare) la materiale comune.

Proprietati chimice: Afinitate deosebita pentru aur,argint si alte pietre pretioase.Absoarbe cantitati mari de substante scumpe. Poate exploda spontan fara nici un motiv aparent.Cel mai puternic agent de volatilizare a banilor cunoscut de catre barbat.

Utilitate practica: Foarte ornamental, in special in masini sport.Foarte eficient agent de curatare.

Teste: Specimenul pur se inroseste cand este descoperit in starea lui originala.Se inverzeste cand este pus langa un specimen superior pentru test.

Pericole: Foarte periculos in maini neavizate.

Ilegala posesie a mai multe de unul,desi mai multe pot fi detinute in locatii separate daca specimenele nu intra in contact direct unele cu altele.

          Chiar daca am inceput postarea de astazi cu o gluma, va asigur ca sunt cit se poate de serios, si asa cum probabil intiuiti subiectul de azi il reprezinta femeia, in toata “splendoarea ” ei. Acum sa ne intelegem un lucru, nu am pretentia ca am descoperit apa calda sau ceea ce mii de barbati din intreaga lume cauta sa inteleaga de milenii si nu le iese. Departe de mine acest gind. Prin aceste rinduri o sa fiu cit se poate de misogin cu putinta, in limitele educatiei si felului meu de a fi.

          Am pierdut destul timp cu introducerea, asa ca sa trec la obiect. Si eu ca si multi altii ca mine nascuti in secolul trecut am invatat, sau am fost invatati, sa respectam si sa apreciem femeia, sa-I intelegem doleantele/cererile si de fiecare data cind auzeam ca un exemplar biped al speciei humane ca folosea violenta la adresa unei femei ne scandalizam, il blamam public pentru lipsa barbatie de care dadea dovada si de incapacitatea de a rezolva problemele ivite in “cuplu” pe calea diplomatiei/vorbelor normale si renunta la violenta – ultimul refugiu al incompetentei.

          Intre timp anii au trecut, vre-o 20+/- la numar, si, dupa ce am inceput sa am de-a face la modul concret cu tot felul de exemplare feminine, am inceput sa-mi schimb optica, si nu in bine. In acesti ani am avut de-a face cu femei care se credeau centrul universului, se credeau varianta feminine a lui Einstein, dar in fapt nu stiau nimic, ajungind in posturile pe care le ocupa in virtutea tipului care le trecea prin pat sau pentru ca trebuiau si ele sa aiba o ocupatie si sponsorul le mai punea niste bani la dispozitie pentru un “bussines”. De asemenea am intilnit si varianta familista, femeia din relatie care sta cu cineva de dragul de a sta cu el. Nu ii place de el, nu tine la el, ba l-ar arunca bucuroasa in groapa cu lei, dar ea este o “sfanta” si le condamna pe cele care au puterea sa-si ia viata in propriile miini.

          Am intilnit si tipul de femeie iremediabil atrase de genul de barbat violent, sau cu tendinte abuzive, dar care se pling mereu ca nu au noroc in dragoste de un baiat de treaba, si dau numai peste jigodii. Dar ce omit sa spuna ca i-au trimis la plimbare pe toti tipii de treaba care le-au facut curte pentru nu stiu ce motive inventate.

          O alta tipologie este tipa singura, vesnic singura, pe linga care trece viata, care isi alege tinte de la sute/mii kilometrii distanta, dar ce sa vezi distractie ca ala este acolo, ea este aici, si timpul trece si nu se intimpla nimic. Tipa isi da seama ca a fost dusa cu vorba, dar este prea mindra, vanitoasa sa recunoasca, sau sa vada ca in imediata apropiere exista cineva, care poate ca nu lasa impresia ca e la fel de bun ca “Ulyse” dar are o serie de calitati si cel mai important, este present. Dar nu-I asa ca nu conteaza?inventam scuze pentru a-l respinge.

          In alta ordine dragele mele, puteti sa va suparati pe mine cit vreti, dar:

-         daca vre-un baiat va arunca vorbe urite sau va ia la misto, o meritati. De ce? Ginditi-va de citi baieti v-ati batut voi joc si pe urma sa vorbiti;

-         daca vre-un tip va duce cu vorba, va amageste, nu-I problema, o meritati si pe asta, doar ginditi-va la cei peste care a-ti trecut si i-ati lasat cu ochii in soare;

-         daca sunteti in relatie cu un barbat care isi bate joc de voi, o meritati pentru ca a fost doar alegerea voastra si nu v-a obligat nimeni sa ramineti in aceasta relatie;

Asta este tot pentru acum, aaa si daca va ginditi sa comentati, tine-ti minte ca astazi este ziua mea, asa ca am voie sa zic fix ce vreau eu.

Seara frumoasa si noapte buna.!!

ENGLISH

Short description of the item : Female

Chemical element : Female

Discoverer : Adam

Atomic Mass: 53.6 kg accepted , but ranging between 40 and 200kg.

Found in large quantities in all urban areas .

Physical : Boil or freezes without apparently reason.

Melts if treated special. Bitter if not used properly . The surface is usually painted with makeup , lipsticks , and other types of paints. Ranging from virgin materials ( rare ) to common materials .

Chemical Properties : great affinity for gold, silver and other gems. Suks large amounts of expensive substances. She can spontaneously explode without apparently reason. The strongest money reducing agent known to man .

Practical use: very ornamental , especially in sports cars. Also a very effective cleaning agent .

Tests: Pure specimen turns red when it is found in his original state. Turns green when is placed next to a superior specimen for testing.

Threats : Very dangerous in unskilled hands .

Possession of more than one is illegal, although several can be held in separate locations if the specimens do not come into direct contact with each other .

Even if I started today posting with a joke, I assure you all that I am very seriously, and as you probably guess topic today is the woman in the whole " beauty " of it. Now, let s get one thing straight , I am not claiming that I discovered hot water or what thousands of men around the world seek to understand for a long time . Far from me this thought . Through these lines I wanna be  as misogynist as possible, within education and my way of being allows me.

I've wasted enough time with the introduction , so let's get to the point. Me, like many others like me born in the last century we have learned , or have been taught , to respect and appreciate the woman to understand her wishes / demands. Every time I heard that a male uses violence against  a woman, I was blaming him for the lack of manhood and the inability to solve problems on the path of diplomacy / normal words and renounce violence - the last refuge of the incompetent .

In the meantime years passed, about 20 + / - in number, and after I started dealing concretely with all sorts of female specimens , I started to change my optics, and not well . In these years I have had to do with women who believed they were the center of the universe , the feminine version of Einstein's thought , but in fact they knew nothing, reaching the positions they occupy in virtue of which male passed through their bed,  or because they have to have an occupation and sponsor them put up some money for the woman to runs her own "business " . I also met and alternative family man woman relationship that stays with someone for the sake of staying with him. She hate s him, she doesen t care s for  him , he would gladelly throw him in the lions' den , but she is a " saint " and condemn those who have the power to take their lives into their own hands.

I also met and the type of woman hopelessly attracted to that kind of man, violent or with abusive tendencies, but always complain they do not have luck in love for a good guy , and only meets assholes . But why do they  fail to say that they have sent away all the guys that they have courted them for some made ​​up reason.

Another type is the lone girl, always alone, that life passes by who  chooses targets from hundreds / thousands miles away, but what is happening, that guy is out there having fun, she is down here, waiting and  time passes and nothing happens. The female realizes that she was fooled, but is too proud, vain to recognize , or to see that there is someone nearby her who maybe can t give the impression that it's not as good as " Ulysses " but has a number qualities and most important, is beside her. But does it  matter? No, she invents excuses to reject him.

In other news my dear , you can get mad at me all you want , but :
- If any boy will talk ugly to you, you deserve it. Why? Think of all the guys you've mock, then you can  speak ;

- If a guy takes you for a fool, deceive s you   well no problem , you deserve it and just think of those who liked you and you left them high and dry ;
- If you are in relationship with a man who mocks you, you deserve it because is just your choice to remains in that relationship, no one forced you  to remain in it.

That's all for now, aaah and if you intend to comment, keep in mind that today is my birthday, so I'm allowed to say just what ever I want.

Have a nice evening and good night.!!

 

Bancurile de luni dimineata, part XI/Monday morning jokes part XI

Atentie, postare in limba romana si engleza

Warning, post in romanian and english

Bula ajunge la hotel si intreaba cat este camera. Receptionerul ii transmite:

- Este 100 Euro camera cu vedere la mare si 50 de euro fara fereastra dar mai avem decat camere cu vedere la mare.

- Poftim 50 de euro, ma jur ca nu arunc o privire spre mare.

Doua femei pe patul spitalului:

- Tu de ce esti aici? intreaba una dintre ele.

- Din cauza obisnuintei.

- Cum asa?

- Eram in pat cu sotul meu si, auzind un zgomot la usa, din obisnuinta, am strigat: "Fugi! Repede! Vine barbatul meu!"

Un tanar sta de vorba cu un domn mai in varsta.

- Cand ma insor, primul lucru pe care-l voi face va fi sa o trimit pe soacra-mea doi ani in vacanta!

- N-ai vrea sa te insori cu fiica mea?

Doua blonde vorbeau:

-Am fost ieri la biblioteca...(zise o blonda)

- Ce culta esti, draga. (ii raspunse cealalta blonda), la care prima blonda ii raspunse:

- Culta esti tu cu toata familia ta, nesimtito!

-        Raspunde-mi imediat, cu ce l-ai lovit?

- Cu un ciomag, Dumnezeule!

- Uite ce e, nu incerca sa ma lingusesti, ca nu tine! Mie sa-mi spui ca toata lumea: domnule politist!

Î: De ce au nevoie bărbaţii de reluări la transmisiile sportive?

R: Pentru că după 30 de secunde au uitat deja ce s-a întâmplat...

Bula se plimba cu taica-su prin munti. Deodata, taica-su dispare. Bula, agitat, intreaba:

- Tata, ai cazut in prapastie?

- Daaaa.

- Si ai patit ceva?

- Nuuuu, se aude din prapastie.

- Dar e adinca prapastia?

- Inca n-am ajuns...

O femeie catre un barbat la o petrecere:

- Dumneata tare semeni cu al treilea sot al meu.

- Dar de cite ori ati fost casatorita?

- De doua ori pina acum.

Un tip nimereste in rai. Cerul este albastru, soarele auriu, canta pasarile, gradinile sunt pline de flori.

- Oh, sunt in Paradis!

Deodata, isi aude sotia:

- Ai fost!

Politistul in muzeu. Din neatentie, da jos o vaza, care se sparge. Paznicul, palid, se apropie in fuga:

- Vai de mine, era o piesa care data de acum 3000 de ani.

- Ce m-am speriat, credeam ca am spart ceva nou.

Ce face o blonda la emisiunea "Vrei sa fii miliardar"? Suna un prieten si intreaba ce sa aleaga: fifty-fifty sau intreaba publicul?

-        Mama! Am omorat cinci muste dintr-o singura lovitura! povesteste Bula. Doua erau masculi si trei femele.

- Cum ti-ai dat seama de acest lucru?

- Pai doua erau pe masa si trei pe oglinda.

Pe o alee intre blocuri, intr-un cartier, o doamna striga :

- Madam Popescu ! La un geam isi face aparitia o doamna.

- Da, draga, ce vrei ?

- Madam Popescu, sotul meu este cumva la dumneata ?

- Nu, draga !

- Madam Ionescu ! striga atunci tipa. Isi face aparitia o alta doamna.

- Ce-i draga ?

- Sotul meu este cumva la dumneata ?

- Nu, draga ! Dar ce s-a intamplat ?

- Pai, ne-am certat un pic si a plecat furios. Am fugit dupa el si cand l-am intrebat unde se duce, a raspuns: "La curve!"

Un tip este atit de ocupat cu afacerile, incit nu are timp nici macar de sotie. Il insarcineaza pe tinarul sau colaborator sa-i distreze nevasta. Intr-o buna zi, insa, ii surprinde sarutindu-se:

- Auzi, ba, eu ti-am spus s-o distrezi pe nevasta-mea, nu sa te distrezi si tu!

Academia de politie. Examen final. Proba de fizica. Intrebare unica: "Ce este mai mare, viteza luminii sau viteza sunetului? Argumentati".

Primul politist:

- A sunetului.

- Fals, dar argumentati!

- Pai daca dau drumul la televizor, mai intii se aude ceva si-apoi se vede!

Al doilea politist:

- A luminii.

- Corect. Argumentati.

- Daca dau drumul la radio, mai intii se aprinde beculetul si apoi s-aude.

Al treilea politist, geniul grupei, tinara speranta a politiei romane:

- A luminii.

- Corect, argumentati.

- Furtuna!

- Excelent... ziceti!

- Tunet, fulger... intii vad fulgerul, apoi aud tunetul!

- Excelent, argumentati!

- Pai, permiteti sa raportez: ochii e mai in fata decit urechile!

-        Unde lucrezi dumneata? intreaba politistul.

- Nicaieri. Sint somer.

- Si dumneata?

- Eu sint adjunctul dumnealui.

Tatal lui Bula e chemat la scoala, unde profesorul se plange ca Bula e un lenes. Voind sa auda si versiunea copilului, tatal se duce acasa si il intreaba:

- Bula, cine e cel mai lenes la scoala?

- Nu stiu, tati!

- Ei nu stii! Cand toti copiii scriu si rezolva exercitii, cine sta si se uita?

- Profesorul!

Alegere dificila intr-un magazin: o doamna timp de mai bine de o ora isi alege o palarie. Vanzatorul ii aduce palarii tot mai multe si mai multe. In sfarsit doamna se hotaraste si spune:

- Cred ca o iau pe acesata. Va rog sa o impachetati. Vanzatorul pune palaria intr-o cutie.

- Cat trebuie sa achit?

- Nimic, doamna. Ati venit cu ea.

Doi amici, la un pahar:

- Eu nu cred in povestile astea cu extraterestri… Ce, tu ai vazut vreodata vreo farfurie zburatoare? zice unul.

- Eu prevad ca am sa vad chiar in seara asta vreo cateva, dupa ce ajung acasa… Doar sunt om insurat.

 Cite bancuri cu politisti sint? Unul sau doua, ca restul sint adevarate!

Doua blonde la cinematograf, una catre cealalta:

-Ai citit Shakespeare?

-Nu, cine l-a scris?

 Unde mergi Bula?

- La cor!

- Si ce faci acolo?

- Bem coniac si jucam table.

- Si cand cantati?

- Pe drum, la intoarcere!

Un barbat da un anunt la ziar:

Schimb femeie inalta fidelitate cu femeie inalta frecventa.

O femeie ii spune indignata si mirata prietenei sale:

- Draga mea, sotul tau flirteaza cu blonda aia, fara pic de rusine. Au trecut peste trei ore, tu chiar nu ai de gand sa zici nimic?

- Shhhh, taci, te rog, vreau sa vad cat poate sa mai stea cu burta supta!

Doi politisti calatoresc cu trenul. Pentru ca le este foarte sete merg in vagonul restaurant dar nu gasesc decat apa minerala. Unul dintre ei soarbe o gura si chiar in momentul acela trenul intra intr-un tunel.

- Cum e? intreaba celalalt.

- Nu cumva sa bei din ea! Deja am orbit…

ENGLISH

John enters in the hotel and ask the price for a room.

The clerk :
- It is 100 Euros/room with sea view and 50 euros without window but we only rooms with sea views.
- Here 50 euros , I swear I will not take a look at the sea.

Two women on a hospital bed :
- Why are you here? asks one of them.
- Because of habit.
- How so?
- I was in bed with my husband and heard a noise at the door , out of habit , I shouted : " Run quickly! My husband is coming  ! "

A young man talks to an older gentleman .
- When I ll get married , the first thing I will do will be to send my mother in law in a two years vacation!
- Do you want to marry my daughter?

Two blonde spoke :
- I've been in the library ... ( said a blonde )
- You are so cultivating  dear . ( replied the other blonde ).

The  first blonde replied :
- Cults are you with your whole family , asshole !

- Answer me , with what did you hit him?
- With a club , my God!
- Look, do not try to flatter me , it woun t work! You can addres me line everyone : Mr. Policeman !

Q: Why do men need replys in sports broadcasting ?
A: Because after 30 seconds they have already forgotten what happened ...

John was walking with his ​​father in the mountains . Suddenly, his father disappears. John , agitated , asks:
- Dad, did you fall into the abyss ?
- Yeah .
- And are you okay ?
- Noooo , comes from the abyss.
- But it is deep ?
- Don t know, I haven t reached the bottom ...

A woman talks to a man at a party :
- 'You really look like my third husband .
- But how many times have you been married ?
- Twice before.

A guy gets into heaven. The sky is blue , golden sun , singing birds , the gardens are full of flowers .
- Oh , I'm in heaven !
Suddenly, he hears his wife :
- You were !

The officer in the museum. Inadvertently he knock a vase that falls on the floor and shatters in hundred pieces. Guard , pale , approaching the policeman :
- My God, that  was 3000 years old  piece of art .
- What I got scared , I thought I broke something new.

What does a blonde on the show "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire "  do?

Call a friend and ask what to choose : fifty -fifty or ask the audience ?

- Mom! I killed five flies in one shot ! John says . Two were males and three females .
- How do you figure this?
- Well two were on the table and three on the mirror .

In an alley between buildings , in a neighborhood , a lady crying
- Mrs. Smith ! When a window is opening and a lady head appears.
- Yes , dear , you want?
- Madam Smith, my husband is with you?
- No, darling !
- Mrs. Lisbon ! scream her again. Another lady made ​​an appearance .
- What is it dear ?
- My husband is with you?
- No, darling ! But what happened ?
- Well, we argued a bit and he  went mad. I ran after him and when I asked him where he was going , replied, " To the whores ! "

A guy is so busy with business, so he has no time to take care of his lovely wife . He hires a young collaborator and instructs him to entertain his wife. One day , however, he found them kissing :
- Hey, I told you to entertain my wife not to have fun too!

At the Police Academy . Final exam at physics. Single question : " What is faster, the speed of light or the speed of sound ? Argument " .
First cop :
- A sound.
- False, but the argument !
- Well if I turn on the TV , first you hear the voices and then see !
The second officer :
- A light.
- Right. Argument.
- If you turn on the radio , first indicator light comes on and then heard .
The third officer , group genius, police hope :
- A light.
- Right, argument.
- Storm !
- Excellent carry on !
- Thunder , Lightning ... first you see the lightning then you hear the thunder !
- Excellent , explain !
- Well , allow to report : the eyes are in front of your ears !

- Where are you working ? asks the cop .
- Nowhere. Are unemployed .
- And you?
- I am a gentleman deputy .

John father is called to the school , where the teacher complains that he's a lazy kid . Wanting to hear the child version , the father goes home and asks :
- John , who is the laziest in school?
- I do not know , Daddy !
- How come you do not know! When all the children write and solve exercises, who sits and watches ?
- The teacher !

Difficult choice in the shop : a lady for more than an hour chooses a hat . Seller brings more hats and more . Finally lady decides and says:
- I think I 'll take this one. Please a wrap it up.

The seller puts the hat in a box .
- How much do I have to pay ?
- Nothing , ma'am. You came with it .

Two friends, a glass :
- I do not believe in these stories alien ... Have you seen a flying saucer ? says one .
- I predict that I ll see few ones tonight when I LL be getting home ...After all I'm a married man .


Two blonde in cinema, one to the other :
Have you read Shakespeare ?
- No, who wrote it ?

 Where are you going Bula ?
- The choir !
- What are you doing?
- We are drink bourbon and play backgammon.
- And when you sing ?
- On the way to the back !

A man giving an announcement in the newspaper :
Exchange high fidelity woman with high frequency one.

An indignant and surprised woman tells her friend :
- Honey, your husband flirts with that blonde girl without shame . They last for three hours , you really are you going to say anything ?
- Shhhh , shut up, please , I want to see how much can he stay with with his tummy tuck !

Two policemen traveling by train. Because it there are very thirsty they went to the dining car to buy mineral water. One of them takes a drink at the moment that the trains enters in a tunnel.
- How  is it? asks the other .
- Don t you even think about drinking ! I am already blinded ...

Bancurile de luni dimineata part. X/Monday morning jokes part. X

- Medicul mi-a recomandat insistent să încetez chefurile.

- Care medic?
- Cel care locuieşte deasupra noastră!

Puradelu' îl întreabă pe Bulibaşa ce este democraţia:
- Atunci când cheltuim ajutorul social în două zile şi apoi mergem şi luăm ce-i al altuia, aia e democraţia.
- Şi ăla nu zice nimic?
- Ba da, dar aia e rasism.

Într-un restaurant select, un muzician se apropie de masa lui Bulă şi-l întreabă:
- Dumneavoastră aţi cerut ceva de Beethoven?
- Nu, eu am cerut pui cu smântână.

Un chimist intră într-o farmacie şi întreabă:
- Aveţi cumva acid acetilsalicilic?
- Adică aspirină?, întreabă farmacistul.
- A, da, niciodată nu reuşesc să reţin cuvântul ăsta!

Soţul către soţie:
- Excepţionale ciuperci. De unde ai reţeta?
- Dintr-un roman poliţist.

Un mare industriaş are o secretară nouă, blondă. Auzind din biroul său că telefonul sună de mult timp şi nimeni nu ridică receptorul, el dă buzna furios în biroul secretarei.
- De ce nu răspunzi, domnişoară?
- Oh, lăsaţi-mă, domnule, eu nu mai răspund. Din zece telefoane, nouă sunt pentru dv.!

Doi scoţieni în compartimentul unui tren:

- Ştiţi, sunt în voiaj de nuntă, fac o călătorie în Italia, spune unul.
- Dar soţia unde este? întreabă celălalt.
- A, pe soţie am lăsat-o acasă, ea a mai fost măritată şi a mai văzut Italia.

La o şedinţă, şeful unei ferme întreabă furios:
- Pentru ultima dată vă întreb: cine hrăneşte porcii cu herbalife?

Două blonde priveau cu interes la o pereche de mănuşi din cauciuc aflate într-o vitrină.
- La ce pot folosi oare aceste mănuşi?
- Păi cum la ce?! Cu ele te poţi spăla pe mâini fără să te uzi!

Se întâlnesc doi poliţişti:
- Salut, Ghiţă! Ce înţelegi tu prin vid, frate?
Stă Ghiţă, se gândeşte şi, după o bucată de vreme, spune:
- Am în cap, dar nu pot să-ţi spun...

Ce este impotenţa? Este acel fenomen care apare când forţa de atracţie a pământului este mai mare decât forţa de atracţie a femeii.

Două prietene discută:
- Toţi bărbaţii beau...
- Iar al meu mai şi mănâncă!

  

La tribunal:
- Eşti acuzat că ţi-ai omorât soacra cu sânge rece. De ce ai făcut-o?
- Nevastă-mea mi-a zis...
- Cum poţi să spui aşa ceva, soţia ta îşi iubea foarte mult mama!
- Aşa e, dar, înainte de a pleca, în ziua respectivă, mi-a zis:
"Marcele, dacă, în timp ce doarme, o deranjează vreo musca, n-o trezi, omoar-o!"

- ....şi nu uita, spune bunica, în viaţa fiecărei femei ar trebui să fie doar o singură mare iubire.

- Şi cine a fost marea ta iubire, bunico?
- Marinarii...

Vine soţul mai devreme din delegaţie şi caută în dulap, sub pat, pe balcon... nimic!
Merge în dormitor şi zice:
- Îmbătrâneşti, femeie!

Pe un şantier, vine o comisie în inspecţie. Şeful de şantier le spune lucrătorilor:
- Orice s-ar întâmpla, reacţionaţi în aşa fel de parcă aşa trebuia să fie.
Vine comisia, priveşte. Deodată, cade un perete. Un lucrător, bucuros, se uită la ceas:
- Zece şi treizeci. Exact după grafic!

Într-o casă, sună telefoniul. Soţia răspunde şi vorbeşte cam 40 de minute. Soţul întreabă cu uimire:
- De ce ai vorbit aşa de puţin?
- Au greşit numărul.

Într-un bar, intră un grup de scoţieni. Barmanul îi priveşte şi întreabă:
- De ce toţi sunteţi îmbrăcaţi în kilt-uri, numai unul în pantaloni?
- Ăsta în pantaloni este gay.

- Cum se numeşte nevasta taurului?
- Taurul nu are nevastă, numai boii au.

- Ce este acela un impresar?
Radio Erevan: Este acea persoană fizică, de factură artistică, care transformă curvele în lebede..

O blondă, răvășită şi extenuată, se prezintă la medic:
- Domn doctor, pe lângă blocul meu sunt o grămadă de câini care latră toată noaptea…
- Nici-o problemă, nu sunteți primul caz, luați aici somniferele ăstea, or să vă ajute enorm.
Peste două săptămâni blonda se-ntoarce distrusă total. Doctorul,perplex:
- Nu înțeleg, mă așteptam să vă văd proaspătă și odihnită…
- Odihnită!?… După ce-alerg toată noaptea după câini?… Și când prind câte unul nici d-al naibii nu vrea să-nghită pastila!

 Sotul:
-Ai bagat masina in garaj?
Sotia:
-Partial.

 O femeie era in pat cu amantul, cand se auzira pasii sotului la intrare :
- Apartamentul are o singura iesire. Trebuie sa sari pe fereastra ! , il grabi ea.
- Cum ?! Dar suntem la etajul 13 !
- Sari, sari !! il grabi femeia. Acum nu-i momentul sa fii superstitios !

La stomatolog vine un pacient nou. Doctorului i se pare cunoscut, aşa că se uită mai atent la el, după care vesel îi spune:
- Mă bucur! Dv. sunteţi poliţistul care m-a amendat ieri în parcare, nu-i aşa?

Soțul și soția se ceartă de vreo 2 ore.
Soțul, obosit, îi zice:
- Gata, fie cum zici tu, așa vom face!
- Nu, e prea târziu, m-am răzgândit!

O blondă supravieţuieşte unui accident cumplit, petrecut pe Autostrada Soarelui. Iese cu chiu cu vai (din fericire nevătămată) din grămada de fiare contorsionate şi declară poliţistului:
- Mergeam liniştită când, deodată, în faţa mea apare un brad. Cotesc stânga, acolo un alt brad, cotesc dreapta, ce credeţi? Încă un brad! Din cauza manevrelor bruşte, m-am dat peste cap de vreo 15 ori.
- Stimată doamnă, suntem pe autostradă şi nu este niciun copac pe o distanţă de câteva zeci de km. Ceea ce aţi văzut dv. este odorizantul…

ENGLISH

- A doctor strongly recommended me to stop those party .
- What doctor ?
- The one who lives above us !

A gipsy kid ask his father about democracy :
- Democracy is when we are spending the social income in two days and then go and steal from another .
- And that guy isn t saying nothing ?
- Yes , but that's racism.

In a restaurant , a musician approaches his table and asks :
- Did you requested some Beethoven ?
- No, I asked for chicken with cream.


Husband to wife :
- Exceptional mushrooms. Where did you get the recipe ?
- From a detective novel .

An industrialist has a new secretary , blonde . Hearing from his office that phone was ringing for a long time and no one picks up the phone, he bursts into the office and asks angry his secretary .
- Why do not you answer, Miss ?
- Oh , leave me alone, sir, I do not respond . From ten phones , nine are for you!

Two Scots in a train compartment :
- You know, I am in my wedding moon, and I am taking a trip to Italy, says one .
- But where is your wife ? asks the other .
- A, the wife I left home, she was married and had seen Italy.

At a meeting, a farm boss asks angrily :
- I ask you for the last time: who feeds the pigs with Herbalife ?

Two blonde looked at a pair of rubber gloves  in a window.
- What can you do with these gloves ?
- Well, with them you can wash your hands without getting them wet !

Two policemen:
- Hey, John ! What do you thing the word vacuum mean?
John stands , thinks and after a while, said :
- I have it in my head , but I can not say ...

What is impotence ? It is that phenomenon that occurs when the force of attraction of the earth is greater than the force of attraction of the woman.

Two wiffes discuss :
- All men drink ...
- Mine eats too !

In court :
- You are accused of killing your mother in law in cold blood. Why did you do it ?
- My wife told me ...
- How can you say that your wife said so,  she loved her mother very much !
- Right, but before leaving that day , she said
" John if while sleeping , my mother is bothered by fly, do not wake her , kill her ! "

- .... And do not forget say grandmother in every woman's life should be only one great love .
- And who was your great love, Grandma?
- Sailors ...

Husband comes before the delegation and he starts looking in the closet , under the bed , on the balcony ... nothing!
Then he went to the bedroom and says,
- Your are getting older , woman!

On a construction site, comes a inspection . The boos tells to the workers:
- Whatever happens, you react in such a way as if it was meant to be.
The inspection arrives, and after a while,  Suddenly, a wall falls down. A worker , happy , looking at the clock:
- Ten -thirty .Right on time !

In a house phone rings . Wife pick s up and talk about 40 minutes . Husband asks in amazement :
- Why did  you talk so little ?
- Wrong number .

In a bar enters a group of Scots. Bartender concerns and ask
- Why are all dressed in kilt sites , only one in your pants ?
- The one in pants is gay .

- What is the name of the bull wife ?
- Bulls don t have wife, only ox have .

- What is an agent ?
Radio Yerevan : Is the natural , artistic invoice that transforms bitches into swans ..

A exhausted blond , enters in to the doctor office :
- Doctor , besides my block there are a lot of dogs that bark all night ...
- Not a problem , you are not the first case , take these sleeping pills here , they will help you tremendously.
Two weeks later the blonde comes back totally destroyed . Doctor , was astonished :
- I do not understand , I expected to see you fresh and rested ...
- Rest ! ? ... After running all night after the dogs ? ... And when I catch them, none of them will swallow the darm pill !

 husband:
Did you put the car in the garage?
wife:
- Most of it.

 A woman was in bed with her ​​lover when she heard at the door that her husband steps in the house:
- This apartment only has a single door out . You have to jump out the window ! Hurry up!!.
- What ? But we're on the 13th floor !
- Jump , jump ! the woman hasten . Now is not the time to be superstitious !

A new patient comes to the dentist . The new patient seem familiar to the doctor , so he looked closely at him, then cheerfully says :
- Nice ! You cop who fined me yesterday in the parking lot , is it ?

Husband and wife quarrel about 2 hours.
Husband , tired , he says :
- Okay , whatever you say, we will do it!
- No, it's too late, I changed my mind !

A blonde survives a terrible accident , spent on a highway . Just barely gets out from what is left of her car (thankfully unharmed ) and told the police :
- I was driving normaly on my way, when, suddenly in my face appears a tree. I swerve left, there's another tree, swerve right there was another tree,?! Because of those sudden maneuvers, I rolled up with my car  15 times.
- Madam, we are on the highway and there is no tree for a distance of several miles. What you see was your air freshener ...