Atentie, postare
in romana si engleza
Warning, post in
romanian and english
Intr-o intersectie opreste un conducator auto strain. Nestiind cum sa
ajunga unde avea nevoie, intreaba un politist in mai multe limbi, insa fara
succes. Vazind ca nu scoate nimic de la politist, pleaca mai departe. Dupa aia un
politist si ii alt politist si ii spune:
- Ai vazut, maica, omu' ala stia atitea limbi straine! La care politistul:
- Si la ce i-a folosit?
- Domnule doctor, va rog, spuneti-mi drept, nu ma menajati, stiti, eu sunt un
barbat puternic desi poate nu par… sotia meu,dupa entorsa asta groaznica la
mana, va mai putea sa spele vasele?
O tanara blonda la ginecolog, doctorul isi spala mainile, fiind cu spatele
la pacienta:
- Culcati-va.
- Cum sa ma culc?
- Asa cum stati, cand faceti sex.
Stergandu-si mainile, doctorul se intoarce:
- O Doamne, unde oare ati
putea face sex in asa pozitie?
- In „Tico”.
Bula intorcandu-se de la scoala:
- Hei tata...
- Cum a fost ora de chimie?
- Bine, am facut niste
explozibil...
- Si maine ce o sa faceti la scoala?
- Care scoala...?!?
La o maternitate din Paris cativa barbati ii privesc pe bebelusi printr-un
geam despartitor. Printre tati se afla si un seic. Curios, unul dintre barbati
il intreaba:
- Care este al dumneavoastra?
- Cele doua randuri din dreapta…
Doua blonde la telefon:
– Draga, ai fost aseara in club?
– Nu fata, am avut 39 cu 1 si m-a durut capul!
- Cum fata, ca si si eu am avut 69 cu 2 si n-am avut nici pe dracu!
Un politist se duce la magazin si intreaba vanzatorul:
- Domnule aveti televizoare
color?
- Da avem!
- Atunci dati-mi si mie unul verde!
Doi politisti:
- Ba, Vasile, ce tremuri asa, ba, ce ai patit?
- Am stat putin in frigider.
- De ce, ba?
- Pai, Sefu', nu ne-ati zis ca politaii trebuie sa aiba singe rece?
Invatatoarea scrie pe tabla: 2 : 2=
- Bula, spune tu care e rezultatul.
- Meci nul, doamna!
Trei blonde intra intr-un bar. Sunt fericite, danseaza si canta. Tot
comanda fiecare cate ceva de baut. Barmanul pana la urma, le intreaba ce
sarbatoresc. Una dintre ele ii explica:
- Tocmai am terminat un puzzle si ne-a luat numai 3 luni sa terminam.
- Si ? Intreba barmanul.
- Pe cutie scria 2-4 ani !
Trei politisti stateau de vorba:
- Asa de proasta este nevasta-mea, zice primul, ca inchiriaza videocasete
si noi nici macar nu avem video.
- A mea, zice al doilea, e si mai proasta, a cumparat detergent de spalat
vase si noi nici nu avem masina de spalat vase...
- Ale voastre nu sint nimic, zice al treilea, eu am fost cu nevasta-mea la
supermarket sa faca cumparaturi si ea si-a luat 20 de prezervative pentru vacanta...
Va dati seama ce proasta, ca eu nici nu ma duc cu ea…
Mama lui Bula primeste un bilet de la profesoara lui: “Bulisor e un copil
cuminte, invata bine, doar ca se gandeste prea mult la fete si la sex.” Mama
citeste biletul si ii raspunde: “Daca gasiti solutie la problema – anuntati-ma!
Taica-su are aceeasi problema!”
- M-am saturat de mania asta a vitezei. E pentru a treia oara cind era ci
pe ce sa ma omori! se rasteste sotul infuriat la culme.
- Iubitule, te rog, mai da-mi o sansa!
Un barbat innebunit de furie intra la asistenta de la maternitate:
- Copilul sotiei e negru,
cred ca s-a intimplat o schimbare!
- Foarte probabil, dar cred
ca schimbarea s-a petrecut cu noua luni in urma.
Q: Cum faci o blonda sa rida simbata?
A: Ii spui o gluma miercuri.
Un tractorist a rasturnat
remorca cu lemne chiar in mijlocul strazii. Un politist care era in preajma
ii zice:
- Ce-ai facut, esti terminat, sa vezi ce-o sa-ti faca seful...
- Pai stie...
- De unde stie?
- Pai... este sub lemne…
Bula:
- Tata, tata, nu mai merg la scoala!
- De ce, Bula?
- Pai, doamna invatatoare asta nu stie nimic!
- Cum asa, Bulisor?
- Pai, ieri m-a intrebat pe mine cat fac 2+3!
Sotul vine inopinat acasa si-si gaseste sotia goala in pat. In scrumiera
arde un trabuc.
- Ce-i cu asta?
- Nu stiu, se balbaie femeia, speriata.
- Daca nu-mi explici imediat, nu stiu ce-ti fac. Spune-mi, de unde a aparut
tigara asta?
Atunci se aude din sifonier o voce infundata:
-
Din Havana, domnule.
Doi amici, intr-o vara torida, in barca, la pescuit, beau bere, cu
lansetele in apa, fumeaza niste trabucuri ... cand, deodata, unul din ei zice,
din senin:
- Auzi, ma? Cred ca divortez de nevasta-mea! Nu mi-a mai vorbit de o
saptamana!
- Ba, io zic sa te mai gandesti. Femeie buna ca asta e mai greu de gasit
...
Doua blonde povestesc:
- Draga, ieri mi-am gasit
abecedarul in pod.
- Dar l-ai citit?
- Desigur! Stai un pic... Tu nu l-ai citit?!
- Nu! Eu astept sa apara filmul!
Cumpara Bula o sticla de suc si nu poate sa o deschida. Se duce la politist
si ii spune:
- Domnule politist, deschideti-mi si mie sticla.
Politistul o ia, se uita la ea, o cauta pe la dop si apoi bate de trei ori
in ea zicand:
-
Cioc, cioc, cioc… Deschide, politia!
Examen la drept:
- Care este pedeapsa pentru bigamie?
- Doua soacre...
Un tip se duce la o vrajitoare vestita pentru puterea sa de a dezlega
blesteme. Cind il vede asa amarit, vrajitoarea ii spune:
- Ei, acum, ca sa te pot dezlega de blestem, trebuie sa-mi spui exact
cuvintele care te-au legat.
- "Va declar sot si sotie."
Trei tipe stau de vorba. Prima spune:
-Sa vedeti ce am gasit in buzunarele sotului meu aseara! Fotografii
porno!!!
- Si ce ai facut cu ele?
- Nici nu am stat sa ma gandesc, le-am aruncat pe foc direct!
A doua spune si ea:
- Asta nu-i nimic, eu am gasit in buzunarele sotului meu prezervative!
- Si ce ai facut? Le-ai aruncat?
- Nici vorba de asa ceva! Le-am gaurit si le-am pus la loc.
Cea de a treia tipa lesina...
O blonda intra tremmurand din
toate incheieturile intr-un sex-shop. Dupa o jumatate de ora de stat la coada :
-D D D D oaaamna a a a veve ti vi vibratoare?
-Da.
-Si... si cum se o... o... opresc?
Un proaspat politist, de-abia iesit de pe bancile Academiei de Politie, a
fost insarcinat sa ancheteze o spargere. S-a inapoiat la sectie si a raportat:
- Domnule capitan, de la magazinul spart s-au furat doua cartuse de Kent si
trei kilograme de morcovi.
- Si ai vreun suspect?
- Nu, dar va trebui sa caut un iepure care tuseste.
Dupa ce viziteaza mai multe magazine de pompe funebre, voind sa cumpere un
sicriu, la ultimul dintre ele i se cere un pret exorbitant.
- De ce atit de scump? Am gasit si de sase ori mai ieftin.
- Se poate, dar aceea era marfa? E de ajuns sa dai de doua ori din coate si
te trezesti afara!
Bula se insoara si, dupa ceva timp, se intilneste cu vechii lui prieteni,
care il intreaba:
- Bai Bula, cum e nevasta-ta?
- Cum sa fie, este marfa, doar ca este cam somnoroasa. De cite ori iesim pe
strada, cind vede un barbat bine, ea mereu spune: "Mama, ce m-as culca cu
asta".
Ma voi intoarce.
ENGLISH
At a crossroad stops a foreign driver . Not
knowing how to get where he needed , ask a policeman in several languages ,
but without success. Seeing that from the police is not get anything , he leaves .
After that comes another cop and says :
- Did you see , the man knew so many languages !:
- And it was verry useful for him ?
- Doctor , please , tell me the truth , don t speare me , you know , I am a strong man although I look so frail ... after this terrible sprained hand my wife, will be able to wash the dishes again?
A young blonde went to the gynecologist. The doctor washes his hands being with his bach at his patient :
- Please lay on the bed .
- How?
- As you sit , when you have sex .
Wiping his hands , the doctor returns :
- O God, where could you could have sex in that position?
- In a " Ford Ka " .
Bula returning to school :
- Hey Daddy ...
- How was the chemistry ?
- Okay, I made some explosive ...
- And tomorrow what would you do at school?
- What school ... ! ?
At a maternity hospital in Paris a few men watched the baby through a glass window . Among fathers there was a arab sheik . Curiously, one of the men asks :
- Whitch one is yours ?
- The two rows on the right ...
Two blondes on the phone :
- Honey, were you in the club last night ?
- No , I had 39 with 1 and my head hurts prreety bad!
- How come, as I had 69 with 2 and I had no head pain!
A cop goes to the store and ask the seller :
- Sir do you sell color TVs ?
- Yes we do!
- Then give me a green one !
Two policemen :
- John, what happened to you? You are shaking so bad,?
- I was a bit in the fridge.
- What for?
- Well, the Chief, said that the cops should be cold blooded ?
The teacher writes on the board : 2 : 2 =
- John , tell me the result.
- A tie , lady !
Three blonde walks into a bar. They are happy , dancing and singing . They order a big drink . The bartender, ask them what they are celebrating. One of them explains :
- We just finished a puzzle and it took only three months to finish .
- And ? Asked the bartender .
- On the box was written 2-4 years !
Three policemen were talking :
- My wife is so stupid , says first , she rent videocassettes and we do not even have video player. .
- Mine , says the second is even worse , bought dishwasher detergent and we do not have a dishwasher ...
- Yours are nothing , says the third , I was with my wife to the supermarket to shop and she took 20 condoms for holiday ... Do you realize how stupid is she ,because I am not going with her this year.
- Did you see , the man knew so many languages !:
- And it was verry useful for him ?
- Doctor , please , tell me the truth , don t speare me , you know , I am a strong man although I look so frail ... after this terrible sprained hand my wife, will be able to wash the dishes again?
A young blonde went to the gynecologist. The doctor washes his hands being with his bach at his patient :
- Please lay on the bed .
- How?
- As you sit , when you have sex .
Wiping his hands , the doctor returns :
- O God, where could you could have sex in that position?
- In a " Ford Ka " .
Bula returning to school :
- Hey Daddy ...
- How was the chemistry ?
- Okay, I made some explosive ...
- And tomorrow what would you do at school?
- What school ... ! ?
At a maternity hospital in Paris a few men watched the baby through a glass window . Among fathers there was a arab sheik . Curiously, one of the men asks :
- Whitch one is yours ?
- The two rows on the right ...
Two blondes on the phone :
- Honey, were you in the club last night ?
- No , I had 39 with 1 and my head hurts prreety bad!
- How come, as I had 69 with 2 and I had no head pain!
A cop goes to the store and ask the seller :
- Sir do you sell color TVs ?
- Yes we do!
- Then give me a green one !
Two policemen :
- John, what happened to you? You are shaking so bad,?
- I was a bit in the fridge.
- What for?
- Well, the Chief, said that the cops should be cold blooded ?
The teacher writes on the board : 2 : 2 =
- John , tell me the result.
- A tie , lady !
Three blonde walks into a bar. They are happy , dancing and singing . They order a big drink . The bartender, ask them what they are celebrating. One of them explains :
- We just finished a puzzle and it took only three months to finish .
- And ? Asked the bartender .
- On the box was written 2-4 years !
Three policemen were talking :
- My wife is so stupid , says first , she rent videocassettes and we do not even have video player. .
- Mine , says the second is even worse , bought dishwasher detergent and we do not have a dishwasher ...
- Yours are nothing , says the third , I was with my wife to the supermarket to shop and she took 20 condoms for holiday ... Do you realize how stupid is she ,because I am not going with her this year.
John 's mother receives a note from his teacher : " John is a good kid , learn well ,but he just thinks too much about girls and sex. "
Mother read the note and responds, " If you
find a solution to this the problem please let me know! His father has the same
problem ! "
- I'm tired of this speed mania . It's the third time this month when you almost killed me ! says husband mad.
- Honey , please , give me another chance !
A crazy man storms into a maternity and shouts :
- My wife 's baby is black , I think someone changed him!
- Very likely , but I think the change happened nine months ago.
Q : How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday ?
A: You tell her a joke on Wednesday.
A tractor trailer loaded with wood overturned in the middle of the street. A policeman who was around it says to the driver:
- What have you done ?, you will see what your boss will do to you after this..
- Well he already knowns ...
- How does he know ?
- Well ... he is under the wood ...
John :
- Dad , Dad , I am not going to school anymore!
- Why ?
- Well, the teacher knows nothing !
- How so ,?
- Well, yesterday he asked my what is the result of 2 +3 !
A husband comes home unexpectedly and finds his wife in bed naked and a burning cigar in the ashtray.
- What's this?
- I do not know , says the woman scared.
- If you do not explain to me immediately , I do not know whatI ll do to you. Tell me, where did this cigarette comme from?
Then a voice is heard from the closet :
- From Havana, sir.
- I'm tired of this speed mania . It's the third time this month when you almost killed me ! says husband mad.
- Honey , please , give me another chance !
A crazy man storms into a maternity and shouts :
- My wife 's baby is black , I think someone changed him!
- Very likely , but I think the change happened nine months ago.
Q : How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday ?
A: You tell her a joke on Wednesday.
A tractor trailer loaded with wood overturned in the middle of the street. A policeman who was around it says to the driver:
- What have you done ?, you will see what your boss will do to you after this..
- Well he already knowns ...
- How does he know ?
- Well ... he is under the wood ...
John :
- Dad , Dad , I am not going to school anymore!
- Why ?
- Well, the teacher knows nothing !
- How so ,?
- Well, yesterday he asked my what is the result of 2 +3 !
A husband comes home unexpectedly and finds his wife in bed naked and a burning cigar in the ashtray.
- What's this?
- I do not know , says the woman scared.
- If you do not explain to me immediately , I do not know whatI ll do to you. Tell me, where did this cigarette comme from?
Then a voice is heard from the closet :
- From Havana, sir.
Two friends, a hot summer , boat , fishing, drinking beer with rods in water, smoke some cigars ... when , suddenly , one of them says , out of the blue :
- I think of divorceing my wife ! She hasen t speak to me in over a week !
- Please reconsider your point of view . Good woman like that are hard to find .this day..
Two blondes stories :
- Honey, yesterday I found my old spelling book in the attic.
- But did you read it?
- Of course ! Wait a minute ... You didn t read it?
- No! I waiting for the movie to come out!
A boy buys a bottle of bubble juice and couldn t open it . He goes to the police and says :
- Officer , could you open this bottle to me .
The top takes the bottle , looked at her, looking at the cork and then beat it three times saying
- Knock, knock, knock ... Open up, police!
Exam at the law school :
- What is the punishment for bigamy ?
- Two mothers in law ...
A guy goes to a famous witch for her power to unravel curses . When she sees him so bitter, the witch asks :
- Well, now for me to unravel the curse , you must tell me the exact words that you were cursed.
- " Now I pronounce you husbant and wife. "
Three girls are talking. The first says:
- What do you think I found last night in the pockets of my husband pants! Porn photos !
- What did you do with them?
- With out thinking , I threw them on the fire, directly !
The second says it:
- That 's nothing , I found condoms in my husband's pockets !
- What did you do ? Have you thrown them?
- Something else ! I punctured them with a needle and put them back in.
The third girl passes out ...
Blonde all shaking up enters in a sex-shop. After half an hour of waiting in line :
-M mm mmaa mmmam do you sell vibrators here ?
- Yes .
- And ... how do you stop it?
A fresh cop just graduated off the banks of the Police Academy , he was assigned to investigate a burglary . Was returned to the precint and reported :
- Captain, from the broken store were taken two cartridges of Kent and three pounds of carrots.
- And do you have a suspect?
- No, but we burglar must be a rabbit with a nasty cough .
John is getting married and, after some time, he meets with one of his old friends , who asks :
- How is your wife ?
- How could she be, verry beautiful, but verry sleepy . Whenever I go out on the street when he sees a good looking guy , she always says, "What wouldn t I give to sleep with that dude"
I ll be back!!!
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