Atentie, postare in limba romana si engleza
Warning, post in romanian and english
Bula
ajunge la hotel si intreaba cat este camera. Receptionerul ii transmite:
-
Este 100 Euro camera cu vedere la mare si 50 de euro fara fereastra dar mai
avem decat camere cu vedere la mare.
-
Poftim 50 de euro, ma jur ca nu arunc o privire spre mare.
Doua
femei pe patul spitalului:
- Tu
de ce esti aici? intreaba una dintre ele.
- Din
cauza obisnuintei.
- Cum
asa?
-
Eram in pat cu sotul meu si, auzind un zgomot la usa, din obisnuinta, am strigat:
"Fugi! Repede! Vine barbatul meu!"
Un tanar sta de vorba
cu un domn mai in varsta.
-
Cand ma insor, primul lucru pe care-l voi face va fi sa o trimit pe soacra-mea
doi ani in vacanta!
-
N-ai vrea sa te insori cu fiica mea?
Doua
blonde vorbeau:
-Am
fost ieri la biblioteca...(zise o blonda)
- Ce
culta esti, draga. (ii raspunse cealalta blonda), la care prima blonda ii
raspunse:
-
Culta esti tu cu toata familia ta, nesimtito!
- Raspunde-mi imediat, cu ce l-ai lovit?
- Cu
un ciomag, Dumnezeule!
-
Uite ce e, nu incerca sa ma lingusesti, ca nu tine! Mie sa-mi spui ca toata
lumea: domnule politist!
Î: De
ce au nevoie bărbaţii de reluări la transmisiile sportive?
R:
Pentru că după 30 de secunde au uitat deja ce s-a întâmplat...
Bula
se plimba cu taica-su prin munti. Deodata, taica-su dispare. Bula, agitat,
intreaba:
- Tata, ai cazut in
prapastie?
- Daaaa.
- Si ai patit ceva?
- Nuuuu, se aude din
prapastie.
- Dar e adinca
prapastia?
- Inca n-am ajuns...
O femeie catre un
barbat la o petrecere:
-
Dumneata tare semeni cu al treilea sot al meu.
- Dar
de cite ori ati fost casatorita?
- De
doua ori pina acum.
Un
tip nimereste in rai. Cerul este albastru, soarele auriu, canta pasarile,
gradinile sunt pline de flori.
- Oh,
sunt in Paradis!
Deodata,
isi aude sotia:
- Ai fost!
Politistul in muzeu. Din neatentie, da jos o vaza,
care se sparge. Paznicul, palid, se apropie in fuga:
- Vai
de mine, era o piesa care data de acum 3000 de ani.
- Ce
m-am speriat, credeam ca am spart ceva nou.
Ce
face o blonda la emisiunea "Vrei sa fii miliardar"? Suna un prieten
si intreaba ce sa aleaga: fifty-fifty sau intreaba publicul?
- Mama! Am omorat cinci muste dintr-o
singura lovitura! povesteste Bula. Doua
erau masculi si trei femele.
- Cum ti-ai dat seama
de acest lucru?
- Pai doua erau pe
masa si trei pe oglinda.
Pe o
alee intre blocuri, intr-un cartier, o doamna striga :
-
Madam Popescu ! La un geam isi face aparitia o doamna.
- Da,
draga, ce vrei ?
-
Madam Popescu, sotul meu este cumva la dumneata ?
- Nu,
draga !
-
Madam Ionescu ! striga atunci tipa. Isi face aparitia o alta doamna.
-
Ce-i draga ?
-
Sotul meu este cumva la dumneata ?
- Nu,
draga ! Dar ce s-a intamplat ?
-
Pai, ne-am certat un pic si a plecat furios. Am fugit dupa el si cand l-am
intrebat unde se duce, a raspuns: "La curve!"
Un
tip este atit de ocupat cu afacerile, incit nu are timp nici macar de sotie. Il
insarcineaza pe tinarul sau colaborator sa-i distreze nevasta. Intr-o buna zi,
insa, ii surprinde sarutindu-se:
-
Auzi, ba, eu ti-am spus s-o distrezi pe nevasta-mea, nu sa te distrezi si tu!
Academia
de politie. Examen final. Proba de fizica. Intrebare unica: "Ce este mai
mare, viteza luminii sau viteza sunetului? Argumentati".
Primul
politist:
- A
sunetului.
- Fals, dar
argumentati!
- Pai daca dau drumul
la televizor, mai intii se aude ceva si-apoi se vede!
Al
doilea politist:
- A
luminii.
-
Corect. Argumentati.
-
Daca dau drumul la radio, mai intii se aprinde beculetul si apoi s-aude.
Al
treilea politist, geniul grupei, tinara speranta a politiei romane:
- A
luminii.
- Corect,
argumentati.
-
Furtuna!
-
Excelent... ziceti!
-
Tunet, fulger... intii vad fulgerul, apoi aud tunetul!
-
Excelent, argumentati!
-
Pai, permiteti sa raportez: ochii e mai in fata decit urechile!
- Unde lucrezi dumneata? intreaba
politistul.
- Nicaieri.
Sint somer.
- Si dumneata?
- Eu sint adjunctul
dumnealui.
Tatal lui Bula e
chemat la scoala, unde profesorul se plange ca Bula e un lenes. Voind sa auda si versiunea
copilului, tatal se duce acasa si il intreaba:
- Bula, cine e cel
mai lenes la scoala?
- Nu stiu, tati!
- Ei nu stii! Cand toti copiii scriu si
rezolva exercitii, cine sta si se uita?
-
Profesorul!
Alegere
dificila intr-un magazin: o doamna timp de mai bine de o ora isi alege o
palarie. Vanzatorul ii aduce palarii tot mai multe si mai multe. In sfarsit
doamna se hotaraste si spune:
-
Cred ca o iau pe acesata. Va rog sa o impachetati. Vanzatorul pune palaria
intr-o cutie.
- Cat
trebuie sa achit?
-
Nimic, doamna. Ati venit cu ea.
Doi
amici, la un pahar:
- Eu
nu cred in povestile astea cu extraterestri… Ce, tu ai vazut vreodata vreo
farfurie zburatoare? zice unul.
- Eu
prevad ca am sa vad chiar in seara asta vreo cateva, dupa ce ajung acasa… Doar
sunt om insurat.
Cite bancuri cu politisti sint? Unul sau doua,
ca restul sint adevarate!
Doua
blonde la cinematograf, una catre cealalta:
-Ai
citit Shakespeare?
-Nu,
cine l-a scris?
Unde mergi Bula?
- La
cor!
- Si
ce faci acolo?
- Bem
coniac si jucam table.
- Si
cand cantati?
- Pe
drum, la intoarcere!
Un barbat da un anunt
la ziar:
Schimb
femeie inalta fidelitate cu femeie inalta frecventa.
O
femeie ii spune indignata si mirata prietenei sale:
-
Draga mea, sotul tau flirteaza cu blonda aia, fara pic de rusine. Au trecut peste trei ore, tu chiar nu ai de
gand sa zici nimic?
- Shhhh, taci, te
rog, vreau sa vad cat poate sa mai stea cu burta supta!
Doi
politisti calatoresc cu trenul. Pentru ca le este foarte sete merg in vagonul
restaurant dar nu gasesc decat apa minerala. Unul dintre ei soarbe o gura si
chiar in momentul acela trenul intra intr-un tunel.
- Cum e? intreaba
celalalt.
- Nu cumva sa bei din
ea! Deja am orbit…
ENGLISH
John enters in the hotel and ask the price for a room.
The clerk :
- It is 100 Euros/room with sea view and 50 euros without window but we only rooms with sea views.
- Here 50 euros , I swear I will not take a look at the sea.
Two women on a hospital bed :
- Why are you here? asks one of them.
- Because of habit.
- How so?
- I was in bed with my husband and heard a noise at the door , out of habit , I shouted : " Run quickly! My husband is coming ! "
A young man talks to an older gentleman .
- When I ll get married , the first thing I will do will be to send my mother in law in a two years vacation!
- Do you want to marry my daughter?
Two blonde spoke :
- I've been in the library ... ( said a blonde )
- You are so cultivating dear . ( replied the other blonde ).
- It is 100 Euros/room with sea view and 50 euros without window but we only rooms with sea views.
- Here 50 euros , I swear I will not take a look at the sea.
Two women on a hospital bed :
- Why are you here? asks one of them.
- Because of habit.
- How so?
- I was in bed with my husband and heard a noise at the door , out of habit , I shouted : " Run quickly! My husband is coming ! "
A young man talks to an older gentleman .
- When I ll get married , the first thing I will do will be to send my mother in law in a two years vacation!
- Do you want to marry my daughter?
Two blonde spoke :
- I've been in the library ... ( said a blonde )
- You are so cultivating dear . ( replied the other blonde ).
The first blonde replied :
- Cults are you with your whole family , asshole !
- Answer me , with what did you hit him?
- With a club , my God!
- Look, do not try to flatter me , it woun t work! You can addres me line everyone : Mr. Policeman !
Q: Why do men need replys in sports broadcasting ?
A: Because after 30 seconds they have already forgotten what happened ...
John was walking with his father in the mountains . Suddenly, his father disappears. John , agitated , asks:
- Dad, did you fall into the abyss ?
- Yeah .
- And are you okay ?
- Noooo , comes from the abyss.
- But it is deep ?
- Don t know, I haven t reached the bottom ...
A woman talks to a man at a party :
- 'You really look like my third husband .
- But how many times have you been married ?
- Twice before.
A guy gets into heaven. The sky is blue , golden sun , singing birds , the gardens are full of flowers .
- Oh , I'm in heaven !
Suddenly, he hears his wife :
- You were !
The officer in the museum. Inadvertently he knock a vase that falls on the floor and shatters in hundred pieces. Guard , pale , approaching the policeman :
- My God, that was 3000 years old piece of art .
- What I got scared , I thought I broke something new.
What does a blonde on the show "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire " do?
- Cults are you with your whole family , asshole !
- Answer me , with what did you hit him?
- With a club , my God!
- Look, do not try to flatter me , it woun t work! You can addres me line everyone : Mr. Policeman !
Q: Why do men need replys in sports broadcasting ?
A: Because after 30 seconds they have already forgotten what happened ...
John was walking with his father in the mountains . Suddenly, his father disappears. John , agitated , asks:
- Dad, did you fall into the abyss ?
- Yeah .
- And are you okay ?
- Noooo , comes from the abyss.
- But it is deep ?
- Don t know, I haven t reached the bottom ...
A woman talks to a man at a party :
- 'You really look like my third husband .
- But how many times have you been married ?
- Twice before.
A guy gets into heaven. The sky is blue , golden sun , singing birds , the gardens are full of flowers .
- Oh , I'm in heaven !
Suddenly, he hears his wife :
- You were !
The officer in the museum. Inadvertently he knock a vase that falls on the floor and shatters in hundred pieces. Guard , pale , approaching the policeman :
- My God, that was 3000 years old piece of art .
- What I got scared , I thought I broke something new.
What does a blonde on the show "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire " do?
Call a friend and ask what to choose : fifty -fifty or ask the audience ?
- Mom! I killed five flies in one shot ! John says . Two were males and three females .
- How do you figure this?
- Well two were on the table and three on the mirror .
In an alley between buildings , in a neighborhood , a lady crying
- Mrs. Smith ! When a window is opening and a lady head appears.
- Yes , dear , you want?
- Madam Smith, my husband is with you?
- No, darling !
- Mrs. Lisbon ! scream her again. Another lady made an appearance .
- What is it dear ?
- My husband is with you?
- No, darling ! But what happened ?
- Well, we argued a bit and he went mad. I ran after him and when I asked him where he was going , replied, " To the whores ! "
A guy is so busy with business, so he has no time to take care of his lovely wife . He hires a young collaborator and instructs him to entertain his wife. One day , however, he found them kissing :
- Hey, I told you to entertain my wife not to have fun too!
- Mom! I killed five flies in one shot ! John says . Two were males and three females .
- How do you figure this?
- Well two were on the table and three on the mirror .
In an alley between buildings , in a neighborhood , a lady crying
- Mrs. Smith ! When a window is opening and a lady head appears.
- Yes , dear , you want?
- Madam Smith, my husband is with you?
- No, darling !
- Mrs. Lisbon ! scream her again. Another lady made an appearance .
- What is it dear ?
- My husband is with you?
- No, darling ! But what happened ?
- Well, we argued a bit and he went mad. I ran after him and when I asked him where he was going , replied, " To the whores ! "
A guy is so busy with business, so he has no time to take care of his lovely wife . He hires a young collaborator and instructs him to entertain his wife. One day , however, he found them kissing :
- Hey, I told you to entertain my wife not to have fun too!
At the Police
Academy . Final exam at physics.
Single question : " What is faster, the speed of light or the speed of
sound ? Argument " .
First cop :
- A sound.
- False, but the argument !
- Well if I turn on the TV , first you hear the voices and then see !
The second officer :
- A light.
- Right. Argument.
- If you turn on the radio , first indicator light comes on and then heard .
The third officer , group genius, police hope :
- A light.
- Right, argument.
- Storm !
- Excellent carry on !
- Thunder , Lightning ... first you see the lightning then you hear the thunder !
- Excellent , explain !
- Well , allow to report : the eyes are in front of your ears !
- Where are you working ? asks the cop .
- Nowhere. Are unemployed .
- And you?
- I am a gentleman deputy .
John father is called to the school , where the teacher complains that he's a lazy kid . Wanting to hear the child version , the father goes home and asks :
- John , who is the laziest in school?
- I do not know , Daddy !
- How come you do not know! When all the children write and solve exercises, who sits and watches ?
- The teacher !
Difficult choice in the shop : a lady for more than an hour chooses a hat . Seller brings more hats and more . Finally lady decides and says:
- I think I 'll take this one. Please a wrap it up.
First cop :
- A sound.
- False, but the argument !
- Well if I turn on the TV , first you hear the voices and then see !
The second officer :
- A light.
- Right. Argument.
- If you turn on the radio , first indicator light comes on and then heard .
The third officer , group genius, police hope :
- A light.
- Right, argument.
- Storm !
- Excellent carry on !
- Thunder , Lightning ... first you see the lightning then you hear the thunder !
- Excellent , explain !
- Well , allow to report : the eyes are in front of your ears !
- Where are you working ? asks the cop .
- Nowhere. Are unemployed .
- And you?
- I am a gentleman deputy .
John father is called to the school , where the teacher complains that he's a lazy kid . Wanting to hear the child version , the father goes home and asks :
- John , who is the laziest in school?
- I do not know , Daddy !
- How come you do not know! When all the children write and solve exercises, who sits and watches ?
- The teacher !
Difficult choice in the shop : a lady for more than an hour chooses a hat . Seller brings more hats and more . Finally lady decides and says:
- I think I 'll take this one. Please a wrap it up.
The seller puts the hat in a box .
- How much do I have to pay ?
- Nothing , ma'am. You came with it .
Two friends, a glass :
- I do not believe in these stories alien ... Have you seen a flying saucer ? says one .
- I predict that I ll see few ones tonight when I LL be getting home ...After all I'm a married man .
Two blonde in cinema, one to the other :
Have you read Shakespeare ?
- No, who wrote it ?
- How much do I have to pay ?
- Nothing , ma'am. You came with it .
Two friends, a glass :
- I do not believe in these stories alien ... Have you seen a flying saucer ? says one .
- I predict that I ll see few ones tonight when I LL be getting home ...After all I'm a married man .
Two blonde in cinema, one to the other :
Have you read Shakespeare ?
- No, who wrote it ?
Where are you going Bula ?
- The choir !
- What are you doing?
- We are drink bourbon and play backgammon.
- And when you sing ?
- On the way to the back !
A man giving an announcement in the newspaper :
Exchange high fidelity woman with high frequency one.
An indignant and surprised woman tells her friend :
- Honey, your husband flirts with that blonde girl without shame . They last for three hours , you really are you going to say anything ?
- Shhhh , shut up, please , I want to see how much can he stay with with his tummy tuck !
Two policemen traveling by train. Because it there are very thirsty they went to the dining car to buy mineral water. One of them takes a drink at the moment that the trains enters in a tunnel.
- How is it? asks the other .
- Don t you even think about drinking ! I am already blinded ...
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