Atentie, postare in limba romana si engleza
Warning, post in romanian and english
O doamna doreste sa cumpere un papagal si la piata se adreseaza unui
vinzator in acest scop:
- Puteti sa-mi vindeti vreun papagal?
- Bineinteles! Va pot oferi acest papagal la pretul de 800.000 lei.
- Oh! Este prea mult! Ceva pentru buzunarul meu nu aveti?
- Va pot oferi acest papagal la pretul de 150.000 lei, dar trebuie sa va
atentionez ca a fost la un bordel si vorbeste numai prostii! Femeia se gindeste
ca il va dezvata de acest viciu si-l cumpara. Il duce acasa si-l pune in
colivie. Ajuns aici, papagalul incepe sa vorbeasca:
- Meserie! Casa noua, matroana noua, e tare aici! Vin fetele de la scoala.
Papagalul:
- Meserie! Casa noua, matroana noua, fetite noi, e tare aici! Seara vine
sotul. Papagalul:
- Meserie! Casa noua, matroana noua, fetite noi... cunostinte vechi...
salut, Vasile!
Trei prietene isi povesteau ce au primit de la Mos Craciun:
- Eu am primit o pereche de ciorapi plasa si o cutie de bomboane fine de
ciocolata!
- Eu am primit o lenjerie de dantela superba si o ciocolata mare cu alune!
A treia spuse fericita:
- Eu nu am primit nimic, dar a ramas pana dimineata.
La ginecolog o blonda se dezbraca dupa paravan.
- Domnule doctor, sunt gata ! M-am dezbracat de toate. Unde sa-mi pun
hainele?
- Aici, peste ale mele.
O blonda vrea permis de conducere si merge la control la oftalmolog:
-Ce litera este asta?
Tace.
-Ce litera este asta?
Tace.
-Dumneavoastra stati prost cu vederea…
-Cu vederea stau bine. Pur si simplu nu-mi amintesc!
Bula in prima zi de armata...
Un plutonier trece prin fata randului de soldati si intreaba:
− Ce-ai fost in viata civila, soldat?!?
Unul brutar, altul macelar, altul electrician, fiecare dupa pregatire...
Ajunge si la Bula:
− Ce-ai fost in viata civila?!?
− Am fost fericit, sa traiti!
De ziua soacrei, Bula se prezinta cu un pachetel intr-o mina si cu o pusca
in cealalta.
- La multi ani, mama soacra! Ti-am adus o pereche de cercei de aur.
- Multumesc, ginerica. Da' cu pusca ce vrei sa faci?
- Pai de gauri in urechi nu ai nevoie?
O sotie merge la statia de politie din vecinatate sa reclame ca i-a
disparut sotul. Politistul cere o descriere:
- Are 35 de ani, 1, 90 m, ochi negri adinci, par negru ondulat, o
constitutie atletica, vorbeste frumos si este bun cu copiii...
- Dar, doamna, sotul dv. are 1,60 m, este scund, chel, gras, are o gura
spurcata si este rau cu copiii...
- Stiu, dar cine l-ar vrea pe ala inapoi?
Un barbat suna la salvare:
- Sotia mea naste. Ce trebuie sa fac?
- Scuzati, asta e primul ei copil?
- Nu cretinule, asta este sotul ei!
La postul comunal de jandarmi se prezinta un individ cu aripa masinii
infundata.
- Domnule plutonier, aveti vaci negre in satul acesta?
- Din cite stiu eu, nu.
- Dar capre negre?
- Nu, nu cred.
- Cai negri?
- Nu. De ce intrebati?
- Inseamna ca am lovit un popa.
Tatal lui Bula e chemat la scoala, unde profesorul se plange ca Bula e un
lenes. Voind sa auda si versiunea copilului, tatal se duce acasa si il
intreaba:
- Bula, cine e cel mai lenes la scoala?
- Nu stiu, tati!
- Ei nu stii! Cand toti copiii scriu si rezolva exercitii, cine sta si se
uita?
- Profesorul!
Doi amici, la un pahar:
- Eu nu cred in povestile astea cu extraterestri… Ce, tu ai vazut vreodata
vreo farfurie zburatoare? zice unul.
- Eu prevad ca am sa vad chiar in seara asta vreo cateva, dupa ce ajung
acasa… Doar sunt om insurat.
Domnule, eu am cumpărat de la dvs acest cascaval ieri..
- Da, şi care e problema?
- Aţi spus că e elveţian.
- Da.
- Am o întrebare: el de acolo a fost importat sau deportat?
În restaurant, după o lungă aşteptare, clientul întreabă:
- Nu vă supăraţi, chelnerul care mi-a luat comanda mai lucrează la
dumneavoastră?
Un algerian cu o barbã mare este asezat alãturi de un francez foarte
occidental într-un avion Paris-Alger.
Dupã decolare, stewardesa începe sã serveascã bauturi pasagerilor.
Francezul cere o cupã de sampanie.
Dupã ce l-a servit, stewardesa îl întreabã pe musulman dacã vrea si el una.
Rãspunsul acestuia, foarte ofensat :
- Prefer sa fiu rãpit si violat cu sãlbãticie de zece prostituate de la
Babilon decât sã las o singurã picaturã de alcool sã atingã buzele mele !
Francezul, înecându-se, dã repede înapoi cupa lui de sampanie stewardesei,
spunându-i :
- Si eu prefer, nu stiam cã se poate alege !
Intr-un cimitir, lîngă un loc de veci, un tip întreabă pe un altul.
- Soţia?
- Nu, soacra.
- Şi mai bine…
La un arabete suna telefonul:
-Alo!
-Nu! Ali!
Vine fiica-mea de 18 ani acasa bucuroasa si-mi zice:
- Uraaa! Am trecut testul de conducere!
- Minunat! i-am raspuns. Pe unde te-a dus?
- Mai intai la o bautura in club, apoi in fabrica aia parasita de la
marginea orasului...raspunse ea.
Atacul de Cord şi Comoţia Cerebrală stau de vorbă pe zidul cimitirului.
Un moş trece prin apropiere. Atacul de Cord zice:
- Ăsta-i al meu!
Atacul de Cord pocneşte din degete, moşul face un infarct şi moare. După un
timp, prin zonă trece o blondă.
Comoţia Cerebrală zice:
- Asta-i a mea!
Şi pocneşte din degete, şi pocneşte, şi pocneşte, şi pocneşte …
Nevasta catre sot:
- Tu nu imi spui niciodata ca ma iubesti.
- Ti-am spus o data. Daca e vreo schimbare, te anunt.
Dacă nu înjuri când conduci, înseamnă că nu eşti atent la drum...
Când soţia tace mult timp înseamnă că are foarte multe de spus.
Orice sistem rigid sfarseste prin dictatura. Orice sistem relaxat
sfarseste prin haos.
Cand esti mort, nu stii asta, dar ii afecteaza pe ceilalti. La fel si
cand esti prost.
ENGLISH
A lady wants to buy a parrot, enters in a pet-shop asks the seller:
- I would like to buy a parrot ?
- Of course ! I can offer this parrot for the priced of $ 800,000 .
- Oh! It's too much ! Something less expensive don t you have ?
- I can sell you this parrot for priced of $ 150,000 , but I have to warn you that it was raise in a brothel and talks ugly words !
- I would like to buy a parrot ?
- Of course ! I can offer this parrot for the priced of $ 800,000 .
- Oh! It's too much ! Something less expensive don t you have ?
- I can sell you this parrot for priced of $ 150,000 , but I have to warn you that it was raise in a brothel and talks ugly words !
The woman thinks he would wean of it s vocabulary and buy it. She went
home and put the parrot it in the cage.
Once there , the parrot begins to speak :
- Cool ! New house , new madam , is cool here ! The girls come home from school. Parrot :
- Cool ! New house , new madam , new girls, is cool here ! In the evening her husband comes home. Parrot :
- Cool ! New house , new madam , new girls ... old acquaintance, ... hello, John !
Three blonds were talking about what they received from Santa :
- I received a pair of fishnet stockings and a box of fine chocolate!
- I got a gorgeous lace lingerie and a big chocolate peanut !
- Cool ! New house , new madam , is cool here ! The girls come home from school. Parrot :
- Cool ! New house , new madam , new girls, is cool here ! In the evening her husband comes home. Parrot :
- Cool ! New house , new madam , new girls ... old acquaintance, ... hello, John !
Three blonds were talking about what they received from Santa :
- I received a pair of fishnet stockings and a box of fine chocolate!
- I got a gorgeous lace lingerie and a big chocolate peanut !
A third said happily :
- I have not received anything , but he remained until morning.
At a gynecologist office, a blonde is undressing behind the courtin .
- Doctor , I'm ready ! I am naked . Where should I put my clothes?
- Here , next to mine.
A Blonde wants to get her driving license and goes to an eye control:
-What letter is this?
Silent.
-What letter is this?
Silent.
- You sit badly with view ...
- My eyesight is ok . I just do not remember the letter!
John on his first day in the army ...
A sergeant passes in front of the row of soldiers and asks:
- What were in civilian life , soldier ! ?
One baker, another butcher , another electrician , after training each ...
Reach and John :
- What were in civilian life ! ?
- I was happy sir !
- I have not received anything , but he remained until morning.
At a gynecologist office, a blonde is undressing behind the courtin .
- Doctor , I'm ready ! I am naked . Where should I put my clothes?
- Here , next to mine.
A Blonde wants to get her driving license and goes to an eye control:
-What letter is this?
Silent.
-What letter is this?
Silent.
- You sit badly with view ...
- My eyesight is ok . I just do not remember the letter!
John on his first day in the army ...
A sergeant passes in front of the row of soldiers and asks:
- What were in civilian life , soldier ! ?
One baker, another butcher , another electrician , after training each ...
Reach and John :
- What were in civilian life ! ?
- I was happy sir !
Mother in law birthday , John presents himself with a package in one hand and a rifle in the other.
- Happy birthday , mother in-law ! I brought a pair of gold earrings .
- Thanks, John . But what do you want to do with the shot-gun?
- Don t you need holes in your ears ?
A wife goes to the nearby police station complaining that her husband has disappeared . The officer asks a description :
- He's 35 years old, 1, 90 m tall, deep black eyes , curly black hair, very athletic, talk nicely and is good with kids ...
- But , ma'am, your husband is 1,60 m tall, is short, bald, fat, has a potty mouth and is bad with kids ...
- I know , but who would want that guy back ?
A man calling 911 :
- My wife is giving birth. What should I do ?
- Sorry , this is her first child ?
- No moron , this is her husband !
In a village police office enters a driver with his car wing clogged .
- Sir sergeant , do you have black cows in this village ?
- As far as I know, no .
- But black goats ?
- No, not really .
- Black horse ?
- No. Why?
- It means that I hit a priest .
John 's father is called to the school , where the teacher complains that he's a lazy kid . Wanting to hear the child version , the father goes home and asks :
- John , who is the laziest one in school?
- I do not know , Daddy !
- How come you do not know! When all the children write and solve exercises, who sits and watches ?
- The teacher !
Two friends, having a beer :
- I do not believe in these alien stories ... Did you have seen a flying saucer ? says one .
- I predict that I will see a couple tonight after I get home ... I'm a married man .
Sir, I have purchased from you this cheese yesterday ..
- Yeah, what 's the problem?
- You said it's Swiss .
- Yes .
- I have a question : from there it was imported or deported ?
At a restaurant, after a long wait , the client asks
- Excuse me, the waiter that took my order is still working here ?
An Algerian with a large beard is sitting next to a Frenchman in a plane fling on the route Paris-Algiers.
After takeoff, the flight attendant began to serve drinks to passengers.
Frenchman required a glass of champagne .
Once served, the stewardess asks ithe muslim f he wants one .
This one answer very offended :
- I'd rather be kidnapped and brutally raped ten prostitutes from Babylon than to let a single drop of alcohol touch my lips !
The frenchman , drowning , quickly give back the cup of champagne to the flight attendant , saying:
- I did not that you have such an option. I would like the same as my colleague !
In a cemetery , near a grave, a guy asks another.
- Wife ?
- No, my mother in law .
- Even better ...
A phone rings at an arab house :
- Allo !
- No! Ali !
My 18 years old daughter comes home happy and say s :
- Hooray ! I passed the driving test !
- Wonderful ! I replied . Where have you gone?
- First a drink in the club, then that abandoned factory on the outskirts ... she replied .
The heart attack and concussion talk on the cemetery wall .
An old man passes by . Heart attack says :
- That's mine!
The hart attack snaps fingers, and old man has a heart attack and dies. After a while , in the area passes a blonde .
Concussion says :
- That's mine!
And snaps fingers and snaps and snaps, and snaps ...
Wife to husband :
- You never tell me that you love me.
- I told you once . If there's a change, I ll let you know.
If you don t swear what you drive , it means that you are not watching the road ...
When your wife is silenced for a long time, it means she has a lot to say .
When you're dead, you do not know this, but it affects the others. Same
thing if you are stupid.
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