Bancurile de luni dimineata part XVI/Monday morning jokes part. XVI

Atentie, postare in limba romana si engleza

Warning, post in romanian and english

Trei betivani stateau intr-un bar dintr-o gara.Trenul suna de plecare.Unul din ei zice:
-Mai avem timp de un rind.
Mai comanda ei un rind si pina sa-si dea seama, trenul porneste.Cei trei fug dupa el.Primul se agata,il ajuta si pe al doilea sa se urce.Al treilea se opreste,isi trage rasuflarea si incepe sa rida in hohote.Un om care trecea pe acolo il intreaba:
-De ce rizi omule!Urmatorul tren e abia la 4.
La care omul raspunde:
-De fapt cei doi au venit sa ma conduca la gara!

Un om trece pe langa un betiv si il intreaba:
-De ce bei mai, omule?
-Ca sa-mi inec amarul.
-Si,l-ai inecat?
-Nu, ca al dracului stie sa inoate!!

Un betiv intr-un bar.......
-Doua beri...va rog !!!! La care barmanu .........:
-DA vad ca sunteti singur ............de ce doua?
-Pai una o beau pt mine si una pt prietenul meu din USA
A doua zi iarasi betivul.......
-Doua beri...va rog !!
I se aduc berile........Le bea
A treia zis betivul comanada:
-O bere va rog.........!!
-Pai nu mai beti doua ......ca de obicei?
-NU .....Beau numai pt prietenul meu din USA ca eu m-am lasat de baut......

- Nu po's'nteleg d'e ce am fost adus la pol .. politie ! exclama un betiv , plin de indignare !
- Pentru bautura ! ii raspunde ofiterul de serviciu.
- Pai, de ce nu zici asa ? Adu-mi un coniac !

O femeie mergea pe strada si observa un batranel care statea pe un scaun in fata casei.
-Ma scuzati, nu am putut sa nu observ ce fericit aratati, care este secretul dv. pentru o viata lunga si fericita?
-Fumez trei pachete de tigari pe zi, beau sase sticle de whiskey pe saptamana, mananc numai mancaruri cu multa grasime si nu fac niciodata sport.
-Nemaipomenit, dar cati ani aveti?
-Douazeci si sase.

Cica erau trei tipi rupti de beti la o masa,povesteau ei.
-Ba, io-s trimisul lui Dumnezeu pe pamint!!!
La care altul:
-Taci ma, ca io-s trimisul lui Dumnezeu pe pamint!
La care cel de-al treilea zice:
-TACETI BA CA N-AM TRIMIS PE NIMENI!!!

Un betiv merge pe strada. Se intalneste cu o doamna cu un carucior:
-O, Doamne, iar vad dublu.
-Nu, domnule, sunt gemeni.
-Toti patru?

O tipa rupta de beata intra intr-un bar, se duce la o masa si ii spune chelnerului
-Celnar,ada-mi un visichi ca ma arde ceptul!
Chelnerul o ignora si isi cauta de lucru la alta masa. Indignata, tipa repeta comanda:
-Celnar, ada-mi un visichi ca ma arde ceptul!
Chelnerul o ignora din nou, tipa repeta comanda, cand, super nervos,un alt client o apostrofeaza:
-Cucoana, in primul rand nu se spune "celnar", ci chelner, in al doilea rand nu se spune "visichi", ci whisky, si in al treilea rand scoate-ti tata din scrumiera ca de aia te arde "ceptul"!

Doi betivi plinbandu-se pe marginea unui lac vad un om innecat.
-Vezi ba daca a baut apa?

Un individ vine dimineata pe la 5 acasa. Intra tiptil in camera unde dormea sotia si da sa-si scoata pantalonii.

- Betivule, iar vii la ora asta acasa?
- Nu draga, zice omu' tragandu-si pantalonii la loc, acuma plec.

Un betiv la un bar comanda primul pahar.Apoi al doilea, al treilea...la al cinspelea se hotareste sa se opreasca. Cand se ridica de pe scaun sa plece cade pe jos.
-Drace, ce m-am imbatat! Ma tarasc pana in strada, dupa care ma ridic si ..
Ajunge la usa, vrea sa se ridice si iar cade.
-Ptiu, hai ca ma tarasc pana acasa, acolo ma ridic si intru in pat. Ajunge la usa vrea sa se ridice si cade. Nervos se taraste in pat, se pune langa nevasta-sa si se bucura ca aceasta nu-l auzise.
A doua zi scandal monstru.
- Betivule, te-ai imbatat de ai uitat de tine!!!
-De unde stii?
-M-au sunat cei de la bar si mi-au spus ca ti-ai uitat iar scaunul cu rotile.

Un infractor este interogat la politie:
-Spune domn'e, ce-ai facut!
-Păi, am furat o cisternă cu vin...
-Si...
-Jumătate-am băut-o..
-Si cu cealaltă jumătate ce-ai făcut?
-Păi, am vandut-o!..
-Si ce-ai făcut cu banii?
-I-am băut!

Leul iese dimineata nervos din casa si da cu ochii de vulpe:
- Cine e regele animalelor?
- Tu, tu, tu esti, maria- ta, zice vulpea infricosata.
Mai merge si da peste lup:
- Ia zi, cine e regele animalelor?
- Maria-ta, zice lupul galben de frica.
Mai merge el si intr-o poiana da peste elefant, care manca linistit niste iarba:
- Ia zi, ma, umflatule, cine e regele animalelor?
Elefantul il prinde cu trompa dupa cap, il izbeste de vreo 3 copaci si-l lasa lat in mijlocul drumului.
Dupa vreo jumatate de ora, leul se ridica anevoie de jos:
- Ei, daca nu stii, nu stii si gata, nu trebuie sa devii violent!

Frizerul il intreaba pe client :
- Cum sa va tund ca sa fiti multumit ?
- Gratis !

Un tip merge la incorporare in marina. In timp ce i se completau actele, este intrebat:
- Stiti sa inotati?
- Da ce, nu aveti vapoare?

Un angajat intra in biroul sefului, smulge cablul telefonic din perete, ii arunca hartiile pe jos, ii toarna cafeaua pe cap si da sa-l bata. Colegii din birou striga:
- Opreste-te, Fanele, noi am glumit, nu ai castigat la loto

- De ce cotcodaceste gaina cand se oua?
- E bucuroasă ca nu a ramas insarcinata.

O baba merge pe calea ferata. Din spate vine un tren 'fluierand'. Ce credeti ca zice baba?
- Fetele cuminti nu intorc capul dupa vagabonzi?'

I:Ce are 1000 de picioare si IQ=10?
R:O coloana de blonde.

Unui tip, dupa ce este analizat de doctor, i se spune ca nu mai are mult de trait. Fara nici o speranta, il intreaba pe doctor
cat mai are de trait.
- 10, spune doctorul.
- Zece ce ? intreaba pacientul. Zece ani, luni, zile ?
- 9, 8, 7... continua doctorul.

- Domnule doctor, va rog sa ma ajutati in legatura cu sotul meu...
- Dar ce anume il supara ?
- Nu-l supara nimic deosebit, dar ii plac ciorapii de dama...
- Bine, doamna, dar asta nu e ceva deosebit... sint multi carora le plac...
- Da, dar lui ii plac ciorapii de dama...
- V-am mai spus, doamna, ca nu e nimic... Si mie imi plac...
- Simpli sau cu mustar ?

- Domne de ce costa un kilogram de creier de savant 120.000 lei si unul de creier de politist 320.000 lei ?
- Dumneata ai idee cati politisti a trebuit sa taiem ca sa strangem un kilogram de creier ?

ENGLISH

Three drunkards were sitting in a bar in a train station. The train whistle for leaving . One of them says :
- We got time for one turn.
They order another row and they realize the train is leaving .The three run after it. The first one catch it and climb aboard, also he helps the second one to climb. The third one stops , draws its breath and began to laugh out loud . A man passing by asks :
Why are you laughing man, the next train is in about 4 hours .
To man replies:
- In fact the two have come to drive me to the station !

A man walks near a drunk and asks him :
Why do you drink so much?
- To drown my sorrows .
- And you drowned ?
-No, meanwhile they learned to swim !

A drunk in a bar .......
- Two beers ... please ! ! The bartender ......... :
- But I see you are alone ............ why two ?
- Well one drink for me and one for my friend who is in USA
The next day same storry.......
- Two beers ... please !
He gets the beers and drink them ........
Third day the drunk ordered :
A beer please ......... !
- But you usual get two?
- Today I drink only for in the U.S. because I've stopped drinking ......

- I can t understand why was I brought to the pole .. Police station! exclaimed a drunk , full of indignation !
- For drinking ! responds, the officer in charge .
- Well , why didn t  you say so ? Bring me the brandy !

A woman was walking down the street and see an old man sitting on a chair in front of the house .
Excuse me , I could not help noticing how happy you look , which is your secret to a long and happy life ?
- I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day , drink six bottles of whiskey a week, eat only foods with fat and never do sport.
- Awesome , but how old are you ?
- Twenty-six .

Once there were three drunk guys in a bar at a table:.
- First one: I am the Messenger of God on earth !
The second one:
-Shut up, I am the messenger of God on earth !
To which the third says :
- Shut up you fools I haven t send anyone !

A drunk walking down the street . He meets a lady with a go-cart :
- O Lord, now I see double .
- No, sir, they are twins.
- All four of them?

Two drunk walking near a lake  see a man drowned .
- See what happens if you drinking water?

A man comes home around 5 am . Login tiptoed into the room where his wife slept and trys to remove his pants .
- At this hour you come home, you asshole?
- Not dear , 'says the man pulling his pants back on, now I am leaving.

A drunk man in a bar ordering is firs drink, then , the second, the third ... up to the 15^th and he decides to stop. When he rose from his chair to leave falls down .
- Damn, I am drunk ! I crawl up in the street, then get up and ..
Reach the door and wants to rise and fall down again.
- Damn , come home to crawl up there get up and go to bed. Reach the door wants to rise and falls. Nervous crawls into bed , next to his wife and he is happy that she didn t hear him .
The next day scandal .
- You asshole you were to the barr last night and get drunk !
How do you know ?
- I got a call from the bar and told me that you forgot your wheelchair there.

An offender is questioned at the police :
Tell me , what you did you do!
- Well , I stole a tank of wine ...
- And ...
- I drank half ..
- And what you did you do with the other half ?
- Well, I sold it ! ..
- And what did you do with the money?
- I drank !

The lion get s out from his house very  nervous in the morning and meets thge fox :
- Who is the king of beasts ?
- You, you , you're , your haines , says the fox frightened .
He continues his walk and meets the wolf:
- Tell me, who's the king of beasts ?
- You, you , you're , your haines , says the wolf frightened.
He keeps walking and in a meadow come across elephant who was eating some grass
- Tell me, fat boy , who is the king of beasts ?
Elephant trunk catches him by the head, slams him for about three trees and leaves him wide in the middle of the road .
After about half an hour, the lion stood grievous below:
- Well, if you do not know , and you do not know about , you should not become violent!

The barber asks the client :
- How to mow to be satisfied ?
- Free!

A guy goes to the incorporation in the navy. While paperwork he is asked :
- Can you swim ?
- Why, you don t have ships ?

An employee enters the office boss , rip the phone cord out of the wall , throwing papers on the floor,  poured coffee on his head and starts beating him. His colleagues in office shouting
- Stop, John , we joked , you didn t won the lottery


An old woman goes by rail . From behind comes a train ' whistling ' .

- What do you think the old lady says ?
- Well mannered girls don t turn their heads on people whistle after them ? "

Q: What has 1000 legs and IQ = 10 ?
A: A blonde column .

A guy , after being examined by a doctor is said that he doesen t have match time to lie. Without hope , he asks the doctor how much?.
- 10 says the doctor.
- Ten what? asks the patient . Ten years, months, days ?
- 9, 8 , 7 ​​... continued the doctor.

- Doctor , please help me with my husband ...
- But what is upseting him ?
- Nothing much, but he likes women socks ...
- Well , ma'am, but there's nothing out of the ordinary ... there are many people who like that...
- Yes, but he likes women's stockings ...
- As I said , ma'am, there's nothing out of the ordinary... I like them too...
- Simple or with mustard ?

- sir, please tell me why a pound of brain scientist cost £ 120,000 and a pound of brain  from a policeman cost £ 320,000?
- 'Do you have any idea how many policeman we have to cut to get a pound of brain?